Tuesday, March 2, 2010

UFC: Vienna Sausages v Hostess Twinkie

Well. In the words of Porky Pig, “Th-th-th-th-that’s all folks!” The least surprising season of the Bachelor has come to a close, and from the proposal to the announcement of the new Bachelorette, we were left in a haze of “Yeah, I figured that would happen”ness. But before we get into this, I just want to share my evening with everyone, in order of events:

1. Gym

2. Tomato soup

3. THREE hours of the Bachelor

4. Diligent note taking

5. Parent Trap II (The most awesome, cheap, childhood-centric movie purchase ever).

6. Sleep

Am officially kind of a loser. Eh, it doesn’t really matter, does it? Good. Ok, so on with the show! We finally meet Jake’s family and man, when they’re not crying they are givin that stink eye. Look it!

I’m pretty sure they coined that facial expression. Jake goes on to describe the girls to his family, and normally my eyes would just glaze over as he talks about how different they are. How Tenley and Vienna are night and day. Completely different. Opposites. I get it. You heard it too, right? Well, apparently Jake doesn’t understand what those words and phrases mean because I happen to read this earlier that day, where he stated that, “Everyone says they’re apples and oranges, but they really aren’t. They are more like an orange and a tangerine. The way they express love is very different but when you get them down to their cores, they’re exactly the same girl.” He goes on to say when it gets down to the end we’ll all see it too. Jake is officially a ratard. Because lo and behold. It’s the end. And you’re the one saying how different they are. Jake also goes on to say that he loves Vienna because she makes him feel like he’s the only guy in the room. Um. Jake. You are the only guy in the room. Literally. She doesn’t have to try that hard. I can’t take this guy and his inability to form coherent thoughts anymore. Buh.

By the way, did we all catch that Jake’s first descriptive adjective of Vienna was “smart.” Heh, heh. Really? Yeah. That Hooters education really did her good. And speaking of Hooters, apparently there’s a chicken wing shortage in the state of Alabama. And that’s the top news story at 10. I don’t even need to elaborate.

Ok, Tenley’s the first to meet the folks, and she comes in bright eyed and bushy tailed with flowers for mom. Points for Tenley! And I gotta say, working in college admissions has done her good because she kicked that family interview’s ass. I mean, there were water works within the first 30 seconds of her talking. The chick may shit rainbows and live in a cartoon…but she’s good. Mom wants Tenley to be the glue to hold the family together, Dad can’t even say anything because he’s still crying. I have a feeling this family is going to adopt her anyway.

Jake worries that he hasn’t showed Tenley his playful/rough side. Well Jake, whose fault is that? It’s not her fault that you give her all the boring picnic, sit on the side of a mountain dates and you take Vienna bungee jumping. Eff. You can tell even after an impromptu family swim, that he’s not gonna pick her. Stupid cow.

Vienna’s next to meet the family. And she brings a fruit basket. Uhhh.

Well, I just thought you'd be getting tired of the same old stuff…Yes, truly, a little bribe never hurt

Bless her and her nine-year-old mentality. She can’t even express why she loves Jake sooooo much. “He’s sweet.” It’s ok, Vienna. I get it. Vocabulary is hard. We’ve established Tenley lives in a cartoon, and I live in a musical, so it was natural that all throughout Vienna Sausage’s jibber jabber I was singing in my head:

How do you solve a problem like Vienna?

How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?

How do you find a word that means Vienna?

A flibbertijibbet! A will-o the wisp! A clown!

She’s got all of the quirks and none of the charm of Frauline Maria. She does not deserve Captan Von Trapp. She can have Rolfe, the little Nazi errand boy. Bless her though, she ain’t nothing but a poorly spoken, cockeyed flibbertijibbet. At some point in the evening the family starts to “warm” to her. One of the sisters-in-law cries for judging her…We can give a big “danke” to the producers for all but forcing the family to pretend to like her. Without this little intervention, the show would have ended in an even larger uproar than it did when he ended up picking the canned meat product..

Guess we can say adios to the family and move on to the last dates. Vienna and Jake mud wrestle. Bet she’s used to that…She seems like the type well-versed in establishments that cater to Mud Wrestle Mondays, 2 for $2 Jello Shot Tuesdays and Midget Wrangler Wednesdays. Anyway, I can’t pay attention to the rest of the date because of the horrid blur job done by ABC. Did anyone else see this??

Pretty sure she’s not wearing boyshorts. Congratulations for not even being able to keep your bathing suit out of your own ass.

End of the date arrives and Vienna lures Jake back to her room with the promise of a cheese platter. She greets him at her door with that ever so classy, I’m-not-wearing-underwear look in her eyes and proceeds to use the cheapest move in the book and give her promise-not-to-run-away-and-get-married-again ring. Ugh. I know she’s gonna win. Tenley’s shadow box can’t live up to that. Bluhhhh.

Jake has a date with Tenley the next day, but he’s too much of a grumpy puss to enjoy it. He’s “tired” aka Vienna performed fellatio on me and that doesn’t happen often, so it makes me quite sleepy. He tells Tenley he doesn’t think there is physical attraction (and he can’t explain what that means), and that bruises poor little Tenley. She compares him to her ex…Which means…Jake. You’re officially a dick. Even Ten thinks so. Despite all that, Tenley wants to prove they have physical chemistry which means the Disney princess is gonna take you to Funky Town. Prove that she’s a super freak, super freak, super freaky, and is in fact a brick…house. She’s gonna be livin it up when you’re goin down with love in the elevator, and any other sexually obscure nomenclature covered in “not quite oldies, but old nevertheless” hits.

Jake wakes up the next morning covered in what anyone else would consider physical attraction and I gotta say. Damn you, crazy hot St. Lucia. I miss his brr-it's-cold-in-here-flannel, because I can see bulge in those pj bottoms. Jake needs more substantial clothing. Yikes.

Vienna needs more beach wear, because if I see that ruffle bottomed bikini one more time I’m gonna scream, and what tha—Since when do we film Vienna in the shower? I thought that was Jake’s schtick. When was Vienna initiated into that soapy fraternal brotherhood. Guess that’s just one more thing that makes them soooo right for each other.

Sidenote: Jake has horrible taste in ties.

Time has come to propose to Vienna, so obviously Tenley’s helicopter arrives first. Her poor little heart won’t be full of joy in a minute. Somebody’s about to figure out that she’s gonna be dancing alone for a while. As soon as they see each other, you can tell she knows. Then they cry a lot. She hates you. She gets quite squeaky. We’ve established that Jake’s just a douche bag that would rather have Hooters and Chuck E Cheese cater his wedding reception. How do these people cry without getting blotchy?? I’m a complete mess if I even think I’m gonna cry. It’s TV magic.

Tenley’s off in her Escalade to a recovery consisting of Sleeping Beauty, my little pony and cookie dough. I wish her well.

Blah Blah Blah, Vienna’s out of the helicopter. Oh m’gah I love you so much. We’re gonna be sooooooo happy. Jake and I’s relationship is sooooo awesome. And by the way. You’re stupid. Jake, you are too. Every other girl that has ever said Jake and I’s is also stupid. “I” is not the fancy version of “me.” There’s a time to use it and a time not to, and I’m going to pull a quote from a Bachelor Blogger (who I can admit now that the season is over as to not lose readership) way way funnier and wittier than I.

Vienna shows us her long face—oh, and she appeared sad too—and we cut to an out of sequence interview with a dolled up Vienna telling us that she’s not going to let Ali “break up Jake and I.” Nice grammar, Vienna.

“I” is the first person singular subject pronoun, which means that it refers to the person performing the action of a verb. For example:

I want to go hot tubbing with Jake or;

Boring, vapid men are the ones I like; or

Ali and I are going to fight to the death.

“Me” is an object pronoun, which means that it refers to the person to which the action of a verb is being done or to which a preposition refers. For example:

When I threw myself at him, Jake told me to leave; or

Ali gave me a dirty look; or

Chris Harrison needs to talk to Ali and me.

And they said my English degree would never come in handy. Take that, people who never hired me.

Grammar lesson done. Insert cheesiest theme ever that I can’t hear without imaging a touching moment in a dramatic episode of Bosom Buddies.

I think Jeffrey Osborne should pop out of the mountain and give them a personal concert like Chicago did, but oh. Had I only known that was actually about to happen…I feel so sorry for that guy. But hey, at least he’s getting a paycheck.

Final thought: EFFFFFFFFF.

After the Final Rose comes on. Buh. And it starts up with Tenley looking back on what just happened. No no no no no no no. NO. We literally just saw this. Enough is enough, Bachelor. All I can think is that Hoarders is on, and I’d way rather watch that than Jake’s dribble.

By the way. Definitely won’t be watching Dancing with the Stars (like I ever do…), just hearing Kate Gosselin and Jake (with the promise of Vienna’s horse face in the front row each week) made me throw up in the mouth a little, so….I vote no.

Sister calls on her way home from work (Boo end of month closings!!!), to talk about the travesty so I ignore the happy couple, but I do get to witness the stunning-what-I-can’t-believe-it-that’s-crazy announcement that Ali will be the next Bachelorette. Buh. Whatever. And you know what Chris Harrison (yeah, I’m using your whole name host man; I mean business), apparently I’m not American, because I sure as hell didn’t fall in love with her. Girl couldn’t even comb her hair for the big announcement. And I think she’s had her lips done. Gia’s are still better. Team Gia! Buuuuuh. Not watching.

And so it comes to an end. What ever will I blog about now? I'm taking suggestions. What deserves a heaping dose of snark? Until we figure that out, I continue to wish you lurv, peace and tacky TV!

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