Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Way too early for realizations.

I don't have a good relationship with the snooze button. I don't trust myself with its giving nature. I'd take advantage and smack it over and over; just call me Chris Brown. (Too soon?) Getting to the point, I set four alarms in lieu of the snooze, and between each interval I'm in various stages of wakening, flopping back and forth, moving my phone/alarm from bedside table to that glorious empty side of the bed, so it's just that much closer for me to reach and turn off.

And that's when it happened. After Alarm #2 at 7 am, I realized that someday, I'm going to have to share my bed with somebody else. There is going to be a body on my spare side. That's my side. That's where I roll over when I want to find a new, cool spot (and not cool like, "Hey this is a hip joint, do you come here often?" No. I get hot when I sleep and I like it cold.). And that brings up the issue that there's going to be a mass of 98.6 degrees soaking up all the cool air and I'm going to be hot. And sad. Not to mention, where will my phone go? I won't be able to throw it in the middle of the bed, right next to my face because a person will be there. And I don't think he'd appreciate that. Then there is the issue of the pillows. If they are on my bed, they are mine. I sleep on the ones on my side and hold the ones on the other. Yes, I use both. I trade out during the night. And I don't want to hear that my sleeping partner w
ill become my new pillow. That's not gonna happen. The last time I checked, my pillows were soft and cool and I could fling one away and replace it with another if I felt the urge. So, unless I find myself a bedmate with the same size, texture and emotional range as a My Buddy, I'm totally screwed.

But here I am, complaining that someone, someday is going to interrupt my sleep pattern, when Lord knows what I'm going to do for his. He's going to grow tired of waking next to a woman resembling a fish out of water, undoubtedly kicking and slapping in the process and leave me for someone who doesn't look and act like a cavewoman in the A.M. (Time out. Seriously, whoever started the rumor that women are most beautiful when they first wake up totally effed me over. Time in.), and I will be alone. But, I'll have my glorious, spacious bed to comfort me. So. Yeah, I'm OK with that.

Biddy and the Bachelor: Part Deux

I never intended for this blog to be an outlet for all things reality TV, but I've come to find that, well, my life is boring and the Bachelor is hilarious. So...There ya go. This week the ladies find out they are hitting the road. In RVs. Hello Bret Michael's Rock of Love Bus. Jake I thought you were better than that. Are hair extensions and cowboy hats next on the list? Are you going to walk into a giant moving prop at the Tony's? Oh we shall see. So the girls pack away the hot rollers and bumpits in their Barbie Dream Suitcases and away they go. They also introduce a new character this week. Hello, flannel. Meet Jake. Together you shall form the Brawny Man. I'm not complaining. I'm a sucker for flannel in all forms.

There are lots of aerial views of buses and coastline and Jake vrooming on his motorcycle and I can't help but think with a little editing, just a smidge, we could cut this show down to an hour like it belongs. Seriously, I'm a biddy. I don't stay up late and these two-hour shows are cutting in my my lying-around time. Ok, so Gia gets the solo date. Yeah, yeah you're a swimsuit model so I shouldn't like you, but you've got a little bit of a lisp so I'll forgive you for it. Their very grown-up-in-a-vineyard date starts with a rousing game of "hide-and-seek" aka "go-one-row-of-grapes-over-crouch-slightly-don't-forget-the-exorbitant-amounts-of-running-and-giggling." By the way I-love-to-type-like-this. Might want to get used to it... But back to more important subject matter, God bless you Gia, you might as well have put your hands over your eyes and
legitimately believed that since you can't see you, he can't see you. Ok, so the date goes on to reveal that Gia was picked on in school (Jake. Stop laughing. Insensitive much?) and Jake's buddies called him "Mr. Dateless," which made Sister go on to say, "Yeah...I see his classmates were as original and edgy as he." Good call, Sister! Touche! They play spin the bottle and go "all the way," which for our buddy Jake means closed mouth kiss, head tilt, neck nuzzle, moan "uhh." What? That's how it went.

Then there's a group date, they play in the sand, dune buggies. I'm stuck. Jake got us out. He's so strong. Of course he is, didn't you see the flannel?

Jake, the ever easy-to-please, is delighted to see the girls clean sans sand and the one-on-ones commence. Ali, you're fine. I don't even have to pay attention to you. Vienna wants the last meeting because she's a tool. Tenley, we might as well call off the show now and arrange for a PG honeymoon, (maybe Lego Land?) because you're going to win. Jessie (had to actually look up her name because to me, she's just been Mrs. Ray Ramano. What? Hello, Patricia Heaton 20-years ago. You're on the Bachelor.), didn't even get footage shown. Did he even talk to her? Have they chatted? Since I have no idea who the eff she is, I'm gonna guess no. Ashleigh, you're an embarrassment. I can see your c-u-next-Tuesday and you're chatting about leg room on the RV. You honestly can't think this is good. If you say "How are you?" more than once in a one-on-one, go ahead and pack your bags. You're done.

Kathryn (who I always forget) and Ella have the discount bin, two for the price of one, date and one will definitely be going home. Kathryn calls Jake out for never talking to her (Hey, I forget about you, but you speak the truth lady. Don't let him get away with having favorites by saying he gets lost in your eyes. You're a flight attendant. You get that bullshit all day), and Ella pretty much says she's cool to take a kid vacation to stay and let him fall in love with her. Her acrylics are too long. Jake's not gonna marry you based purely on your manicure. In the end, both go home. Eh. Whatever. Figured something like that would happen. I do think they should have waited a while before Jake met the kid though...Isn't that a single mom faux pas? Introducing their kids to men too early? "Where's Uncle Jake, Mommy? Don't I have a new pilot daddy?" "No baby. Uncle Jake loves 6 20-somethings more than us. Go enjoy your feeling of abandonment."

Blah blah blah, rose ceremony cocktail hour. Ray Ramano gets her first bit of screen time when she tells the Bach he should get rid of Vienna, because she...who he's bonded with soo much...knows that Vienna's not good for him. Babes, just because you pulled out the green eyeshadow and the too 80s for comfort velvet dress doesn't mean he's going to keep you. Holla.

Congrats Ali and Corrie, you got your roses before it went hella awkward. Jake doesn't want to give out all of his roses so he gets his daddy, aka the host guy to break the news. Adios "Everybody Doesn't Love Raymond" and "I Can Make You Love Me with a Flash of Thigh." Everybody is shocked that Vienna is still there, but apparently they're not watching the same show I am...

At this rate, I'm pretty sure the finale will be week after next because there are what, four girls left? Until then...Happy TV watching!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


I've been watching the Bachelor. Now, typically I have very good taste in television (with the exception, of course of all of my Vh1 guilty pleasure shows. And Jersey Shore. Yeah. But other than that the taste is impeccable.). But what’s a girl to do when nothing good comes on Monday night and my recent employmenthood has forced me into a life of tired, hermit-like solitude and the episode premiere is on? And so the shame-fest began.

Let’s start with Jake, the bachelor. Loves Jesus and flying planes. Undoubtedly a Texan Republican. But he’s a very nice boy with lovely teeth. I of course could never think of dating him. Not because he’s a douche (i.e. More to Love Mike or the Ass Bachelor Jason), he’s just so pretty. And vanilla. The sickly sweet Ken doll.

And the girls. Oh, no. Sorry, the “bachelorettes.” Now, I’m not going to talk about all of them because half have been kicked off without me even knowing who they are (i.e. Valisha. She got auffed this week and I swear, when the camera panned to her at rose ceremony, I thought some poor girl had wandered in off the street, because I swear, I’d never seen her before in my life). Camera time is important, ladies...

But speaking of Valisha, apparently she was a mom and homemaker. And single. How does that happen? Does daddy own a money factory? Because I’m pretty sure to “make” a “home” and feed a kid and all you need a paycheck. Just guessing.

Vienna: Can not stand this girl. Neither can anyone else. Apparently she’s “mean” to the other girls in the house. I just think she’s stupid. That’s all. Jake likes her though, reinforced by the fact he took her bungee jumping. And I’m sorry, but I’ve got to say: Jake, you are a complete ra-tard. You’re afraid of heights and you took a girl bungee jumping. Voluntarily. You made yourself look like a giant puss. Voluntarily. Congratulations. If it were me, the show would’ve been over right there. “Thanks, Jake. You have a lovely jaw line but you just peed on my leg. I gotta go.”

Then there’s Ali. She started strong with the private Chicago concert…Poor Chicago. I feel bad for them. She wore her Converse to the rose ceremony. Seemed like a normal girl, but things have taken a turn for the bitchy. I’m sorry you don’t like Vienna. I don’t either. But don’t be a tattle-tale. You’re a grown woman. Snot.

Ella: Country hairstylist with a kid. Pretty sure she’s the token minority (ya know, a mom) in this group of ladies and he’s keeping her around for that fact (not that I don’t like her…she’s fine. I’m just sayin). I guess Channy would have held that title had she not gone all, “Me love you long time.” On the first night. Come on. He’s a nice boy. This is not Vh1. We don’t make Cambodian landing strip jokes on day one.

Tenley: Sister and I have decided she’ll be the one. She’s just a sickly sweet, butterscotch pudding as Jake. They’ll have sparkling teethed babies with six-packs. She’s not my favorite (well, none of them are), cries a little too much, and again is a little too vanilla, but whatev…At least she’s not:

Michelle: Crazy. Flat out ridiculously, certifiable crazy. I am proud of Jake for taking his balls out of the mason jar and kicking her out though. Interaction went something like this:

Crazy: I think I need to go… [subtext: tell me not to go] Jake: Yeah. I think you should.

Yes! Score, Testicles: 1 Crazies: 0. Holla!


Elizabeth: Started out seeming normal. Pretty. Then she read Jake her letter. (Time out: Least favorite thing to see on any reality program: Letter reading. You seriously couldn’t just chat? You couldn’t retain that much information? You had to write it down like a 14 year old? Good for you. Time in). She says she doesn’t want Jake to kiss her until he picks her to be the last one. Ok. That’s fine. You’re that kind of girl. I like you less, but as long as you fly low on the radar I’ll forget all about it. Fast forward 20 minutes later and she’s taunting him. “Do you want to kiss me. I want to kiss you. Tell me you want to kiss me. I’m a good kisser. You’re not going to kiss me? Good. But you want to, right? Me too.” Shut. Up. Don’t be that girl. Now just replay that interchange about four more times and you’ll be caught up to speed. It finally clicked with Jake that this girl is just playing games and he doesn’t put up with that. He confronts her, she thinks he’s mad because she hasn’t kissed him. She’s officially a ra-tard. Guess who gets knocked out of the game next?

Yes! Score, Testicles: 2 Crazies/Teases: 0.

She leaves delusional. Much like she arrived and I’m perfectly fine with that.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Clearance section, Why hast thou forsaken me?

(Disclaimer: Please read in the style of hilarious desperation and not jaded consumer. I usually RSVP “No” to the Bitter Ball)

Little things make me happy. No frost on my windshield, flannel shirts, painted nails…sales racks. But not any more. Target, you have ruined my love for discounted goods. (Sister, my bad, but you’ve heard this already. But you know—it needs to be documented.) I guess I should preface this with, I jump the gun when it comes to errands. With the recent move, I’ll discover-one by one-things I need or have forgotten, and instead of making a list and one big trip, I go as they pop into my head. Being settled in is a big thing with me. When I lived in the dorms, I didn’t sleep the first night until my room was how I wanted it; my apartments never saw boxes for long and when I moved back home, my room looked lived in the day I got back. So, yeah—I didn’t want to wait until the next day to get connector cables for my DVD player, surge protector or over-the-door towel rack. Thus the late night trip to Target commenced.

Fast-forward five minutes and I’ve found everything I need and as I’m leaving the electronics section I notice the discounted Christmas aisle…I love red tags so I’m all about it. BUT…as I’m giving the section a look-see I wonder, “Who the hell would buy these Christmas rejects?” The once bright red sugar cookies have turned the color of rust, poor chocolate Santas sport melted faces and everything else is either dented or covered in glitter. I walk away, somewhat saddened.

Time to check out and get back home. Of course it’s 20 minutes til closing so there are only two lines open, and guess which one I pick? My my my. This woman should have been put down. Her cart was loaded to the brim with candy canes. Candy canes. The throw-away Christmas tradition. “Hey look. I’m not just giving you a card. There’s a candy cane attached. You can throw it away as soon as I turn to leave. Or save it in your purse for three months until you’re in desperate need for a mint. You’re welcome.” Was she intending on saving these until next year? Not only will it be a candy cane…It will be a chewy candy cane. With a slight taste of nickels. Oy vey. On top of the candy cane mountain we have the 23 rolls of blue, sparkled ornament wrapping paper that you can’t imagine next Christmas without. Dear Lord Baby Jesus help me. And mugs! The mugs. Did you know that Target employees are required to wrap breakable items? I do. Because I saw her do it to 14 ceramic reindeer mugs. Once again, a Christmas token that no one will ever want.

This whole time I am texting Sister furiously. Judging this horrid woman with her pointy red lips, ribbed turtleneck and ankle boots. And then we reached a new level of exasperation. I’ve never thought poorly of the dollar section until this woman entered my life. If it was a dollar and heart-shaped, this lady was buying it. Did you really need those pink spoons, heart-shaped measuring cups and cupid ice cube trays? It looked like My Little Pony’s kitchen. And then came the inevitable, “Am I stupid for buying all this? I mean…I like it, but should I have gotten all this wrapping paper?” The answer, of course, is yes, you are indeed a ra-tard. But if I have to watch the cashier cancel this monstrosity of a purchase, I’ll know that this is Armageddon and the world is in fact coming to an end. So I bit my tongue, looked down at my shoes and paced my breathing until it was my turn to leave, one bag in hand, knowing with full certainty that no one will ever think these thoughts about me…

What? This post is irrelevent now? Eh.

We heart Christmas movies. It’s what the family does. Some vacation. Some make ornaments out of popcorn and clothes pins. We watch movies. So this year I decided to share the love and do a Christmas Movie Quote Countdown on Facebook. I don’t know if all my “friends” took joy or found it ridiculously annoying but I loved! And now I shall share them here for posterity’s (And Christmas spirit’s…Bah ha cheese) sake. Enjoy :)

#25: Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word! –A Christmas Story

#24: “Scott, what was the last thing you and Charlie did, before you went to bed Christmas Eve?” “We shared a bowl of sugar, did some shots of brown liquor, played with my shot guns, field-dressed a cat, looked for women...” –The Santa Clause

#23: Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho. –Die Hard

#22: You sit on a throne of lies! You smell like beef and cheese, you don't smell like Santa. –El

#21: Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, an...d I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell himwhat a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, fore-fleshing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tyl...enol? –Christmas Vacation

#20: (opening his tampered advent calendar…) “Candy corn?” “Well they all can't be winners!” –Bad Santa

#19: “Look, Daddy. Teacher says, every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.” “That's right, that's right—Attaboy, Clarence.” –It’s a Wonderful Life

#18: Well, happy birthday Jesus. Sorry your party’s so lame. –The Office

#17: “Why the hell did you take your shoes off?” “Why the hell are you dressed like a chicken?” –Home Alone

#16: “Loitering around the jewelry section, I see!” “No. I was just looking around.” “Don't worry, my expectations are not that high after 13 years of Mr. "Oh-but-you-always-LOVED-scarves"!” –Love Actually

#15: “And, lo, the Angel of the Lord came upon them...” “Shazaaammmm!!!” –The Best Christmas Pageant Ever

#14: First we'll make snow angels for a two hours, then we'll go ice skating, then we'll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse cookie dough as fast as we can, and then…we'll snuggle. –Elf

#13: Faith is believing when common sense tells you not to. Don't you see? It's not just Kris that's on trial, it's everything he stands for. It's kindness and joy and love and all the other intangibles. –Miracle on 34th Street

#12: Now look, Hallie, you can ask for toys, parakeets, hair care products, I don't care. But you may not ask for anything to do with interpersonal relationships! Got it? This is Santa Claus, not Dear Abby. –All I Want for Christmas

#11: Every time Catherine would turn on the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour. –Christmas Vacation

#10: Merry Christmas, movie house! Merry Christmas, Emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan! –It’s a Wonderful Life

#9: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! When I get home, I'm getting a CAT scan! –The Santa Clause

#8: He puzzled and puzzled til his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more! –How the Grinch Stole Christmas

#7: Phoebe: What happens to the old Christmas trees? Joey: They go into the chipper. Phoebe: Why do I get the feeling that's not as happy as it sounds? –Friends

#6: Charlie Brown, you're the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem. Maybe Lucy's right. Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Browniest. –A Charlie Brown Christmas

#5: When you've got a hit like we have, Patch, the people don't wanna wait a whole year, they're dying for a sequel! A sequel. That's it. We'll bring it out on March 25, and we'll call it... Christmas 2! –Santa Claus The Movie

#4: If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion…love actually is all around. –Love Actually, so…God bless us, everyone. –A Christmas Carol

#3: A toast to my big brother George: The richest man in town. –It’s a Wonderful Life


#1: I can’t put my arms down!! / I triple dog dare ya! / Be sure to drink your Ovaltine. Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch. / Fra-gee-lay. That must be Italian. / He looks like a deranged Easter bunny—He does not—He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare. /... Sons of bitches! Bumpuses!!! –A Christmas Story.

Forget me? Hope not...Because that's sad. But I'm back!

So it seems the only sort of blog you’ll ever get from me will be of the catch-up variety. Many apologies. I’ll work on it. So last time we covered getting the internship, Thanksgiving food and the tragedy that is New Moon. Since then…

“No Money for Christmas” 09 was pretty sweet (literally and figuratively). Our house was filled with fruit cake cookies (promise they’re awesome), fudge, caramels and elf food (aka the Swiss Colony cornucopia of goodies). If you’re in need of a beef log, I’m pretty sure there are still four in the Bassett fridge. And I’ve got to say, I love to be in a family where the “kids” are mid-twenties and presents still magically appear Christmas morning. Oh the delicious anticipation. Sister blessed me with the wondrous gift of Sephora and Ed Helms (a la The Hangover), and am now in possession of the perfect brownie pan. It was one of many fabulous presents from the parents, but I’m extra excited to use this one. I love As Seen on TV products. And when I say love, I mean, LURV. I think I could classify infomercials as one of my favorite childhood programs (and let’s face it. They still are.). Pretty sure the night I won my Magic Bullet was one of the most exciting. It doesn’t matter that I don’t use it on a regular basis. What matters is that it was on TV and now it’s mine. And I can make 7 second guacamole if I want to.

Sadly, I spent December 26 putting Christmas back in boxes (because I would be moving in three days, and if I didn’t it would still be Christmas at the Bassett home in mid-June). And speaking of moving…I moved! I now reside at the Residence Inn in Birmingham, right down the road from my grown-up-big-girl-still-don’t-have-insurance-but-I-get-a-paycheck job. Some folks have wondered what sort of set up the RI provides [insert concerned face here], but I actually really like it, and the concerned face tends to fade when I mention the free breakfast and daily housekeeping service. Boo yah! . It’s a studio set up and is plenty of room for just me (although I miss my cat Jack. I vowed I wouldn’t blog about my cat, because what’s more lame than that? But he at least deserves to be mentioned. He’s living with his grandma and pa since he’s socially awkward and takes about a month to adjust to living anywhere. Ok. No more cat talk.). Anywho, welcome to my temporary home!

And so now here we are. I’m finishing my first week of work. It’s been a little slow since everyone’s getting back in the groove themselves, so I gone from filing, to shredding to creating my first media schedule proposal. Very exciting. Love the people and the atmosphere. It would be great if they could take me on permanently. *Hint. Hint. I really like you Lewis Communications. Hint*