Wednesday, September 28, 2011

He is...quite large.

Ok, let's keep it short and sweet since the new episode is on tomorrow and I had the rare opportunity of watching this episode with Sister, so let's face it: I was selfish and sucked up all the funny the night of and now the snark well is dry. (Ok, nearly...) To begin, let's start with the transcription of Oliver's one on one interviews.

Camera Guy: Tell us how you feel about this challenge.

Oliviiiiier: Well. I don't like it. Because my man is quite large. Massive, really. I don't have enough money for bolts of fabric. And even if I did our mannequins aren't equipped to handle the weight of that amount of textile.

Camera Guy: Is he really that big? He seemed sort of average.

Olivurieoruer: Oh no, he is ginormous. I'm quite surprised he was able to fit through the door to the workroom with those Shrek like shoulders. It frightens me. His guitar is actually seven feet long to appear in proportion to his Sequoia-like torso.

Camera guy: At least this is a menswear challenge. Menswear is your specialty, yes?

Olivaaaarlirrirrr: Well. Sort of. You see, I design for myself. And like my accent, my gender is a bit muddled. So really I design for flat people (Flat. Not fat. Fat scares me.)

Camera Guy: Well this should be a good learning experience. Not every client is going to be Barbie.

Olivooouuier: Oh Barbie would be a terrible client. You see, she has boobs. And those are unsettling. They just hang off one's chest being aesthetically unpleasing. And they're also filled with fat.

Camera Guy: Ok, we're done here.

Oliviiiiiiaur: But I haven't even talked about that band man's hot dog fingers. I just want to spread them with mustard. They stare at me and I find it unnerving.

Camera Guy: Seriously. Go away.

Oliviureousr: You're fat.

Oh, and there was a challenge (aka 90 minute Garnier commercial). Make the Sheepdogs, an unsigned rock band, stylish and what-not for their Rolling Stone cover debut. They were split into two teams but that was only for logistic's sake since each designer designs for each band member and there are four members, not eight. So each Sheepdog gets to try on two horrible outfits. GO!

First up the drummer. Good lord this poor man should have never said "tunic," because each of these ladies went dashiki crazy.



There's no need to review them individually because they're the same terrible muddy-brown, Shaggy-Greg-Brady-Bowler-Chicken-Shack costume. Sooo sad.

The Bassist (I think...) By the way, this guy is totally channelling Riding in Cars with Boys Steve Zahn, the coked out years.

Sorry, man...

Anthony Ryan


There's just fringe and tacky. Fringe and tacky everywhere...And I'm with Adam Lambert. I dig the "Check out my Wang" zipper Joshua installed. The front row fans are gonna be looking for it anyway, might as well give 'em easy access.

Guitarist a la Laura

Relatively well made-ish. Those bell bottoms are excessive and none of the seams popped a la Anya, so... Whatevs.

Lead Singer Rock Star According to Bert.

What the hell, man? And WHY oh WHY is this being praised. 1. He gave a grown man pigtails. 2. It's a total Maude outfit. Tell me. Just tell me that Bea Arthur wouldn't throw this on to head down to the (gasp) abortion clinic. COME ON!

Lead Guitarist (Thank you, Viktor, for making one non-fucktarded look)

Hello obvious winner. Took pleather to a new level, made fringe not tacky and gave him real jeans that one wouldn't be embarrassed to wear in public. You rock, sir. Do work, son!

How Oliver the Douche would dress a Rock God

Ok, so maybe lead singer Sheepdog isn't an Almost Famous Golden God yet, but come on. Swans? Giant leisure suit front pockets? 3/4 length sleeves. GFY, Oliviiiiiier. We all hate you. Excuse yourself. No one will miss you.


Tuesday, September 20, 2011


Yes this post is horridly late. Excuse? None. Just le tired. And distracted by pirates (more on that another day). And Oliver Bumble Bumble No Boobs Bumbleson totally irked me the wrong way. But more on Horse Hair later.

It was the real women challenge, y'all! Which started with a fake out "Real Men" challenge. Oh they were so scared. This gang of misfits doesn't know how to sew for a crotch. With junk. And poor Anya would have tried to stick her man in a silk sarong (Forshadowiiiiiing for next week [aka this week. Oh semantics.]. Man that'd be sweet.) Obviously the most lady shaped (in terms of leanness, not man boobs) were cherry picked first, and the kids come to find they'll actually be designing for the wives or girlfriends of the misters.

What came next? Boobs. Boobs everywhere. Did you know women have boobs? And that Oliviiiiier hates boobs? And clients. And would ideally design for boobless feral cats. And then there were more boobs. And the men that loved boobs. Because they're men. Men who like women. Women who have boobs. One dress form motorboat later and I've officially stopped paying attention. Who knew the Project Runway Workroom could turn into a frat house so quickly?

Oh, Laura's also turned back into More Money Than God Barbie with the emergence of her "I wish I were More Money Than God Barbie..." Client. And Bryce is dying pink things pinker. And missing his boyfriend. And crying. And getting screen time. And obviously going home... And Ryan Reynold's sassy cousin Josh is desperately wanting to have a glitter explosion all over his dress. But is determined to follow the ways of the Sequin Kama Sutra and withhold.

And enough foreplay. Let's just get on down to the nitty gritty, shall we?

The Boob Wranglin' Mediocre


Ok. Here's my beef. Squinty Pants acted like one of Cruella Deville's kicked spotted puppies when he had to actually design an outfit for a woman with her own set of pups. And throughout the consultation his glazed-over expression portrayed him as someone from a vague non-English speaking European nation, and not OHIO. Motherfucker, don't act like you have a language barrier. Your ass is Midwestern. Don't play. And then he made this outfit.

Um. How has no one said anything yet.

It's a more poorly made Kimberly-for-Nina knock off. The top's not sparkled and it's apparently designed for a woman's who's nursing...But tell me that's not the same outfit. Tell me. Send Raggedy Androis home.


Again, I wish Kimberly had gotten a little shout out or soemthing for this one. She doesn't necessarily need to be in the top, but Heidi could at least give a "Work that shit!" catcall as the girl walks off, right?


Tinkerbell made a bridesmaid dress.

Cocks of the Wok


I am so not on this train. And I love the prints. (As in, prints in general. Not this strange African moo cow print.) But there's just too much. All the fringe and the one sleeve. And the ugly. Just...No.


Absolutely effing adorable. I need this in my closet. And if this is over-accessorized, I'd hate for MK to run into me come winter when I've got a bag, sunglasses, necklace AND a scarf on. Throw in a hat, and he may just pummel my ass.

Winner of the Golden Bedazzler


Way to go, buddy! He was damn near charming this episode (thank the good, waxed lord), and he showed restraint. The man who in not-long-ago time decorated shoes with dog toys, produced this. An adorable, perfect, little black dress. You go, Glen Coco!

The Wah-wah-waaaaaahs

Anthony Ryan

Get this boy some birdseed; he needs to be inspired! I will say I thought this was kind of adorable. Is it slightly reminiscent of a Cheerios uniform? Perhaps. But I love kitsch and I love Glee, so I'd totally wear this dress.


His new name shall be, Buh-ert. Shiny, short and decolletaged (that's nice speak for "Tits McGee's dress"). No likey.

The Shunned


Bless him. From where this dress started, he knocked it out of the ball park (Did you see the first draft? A pink re-working of his sad Nina dress. He came a long way, baby.) The pink worked, loved the big pockets (But they should never be used as feed bags, dear.), but the fit was off and was over-worked. He tried real hard though... So farewell, Mr. Rumbold. Go with Gaga.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Tim Gunn Thinks You Need Jesus.

Welcome back to another week of Project Runway and the 73rd group challenge this season! The producers have found a gold mine in these group dynamics, haven't they? Eat it up while you can, sirs. We're also reincarnating the "Design your Own Textile" challenge from a few seasons back that brought us the illustrious and brilliant "ES hearts SA" print that finally allowed Emilio Sosa to declare his love for Seth Aaron in Comic Sans. Wasn't that lovely? I sure hope I get to see another overly used and tacky font grace the runway this season... (Forshadowiiiing...)

So we're shaking things up this team challenge by being sans leader (first time on PR? Think so. Maybe.), and that can only lead to perfect, harmonious goodness or... Mutiny. Once we see how the teams break down, you'll know I'm totally right.

Team Holy Shit the Other Guys Don't Stand a Chance: Anthony Ryan, Anya, Viktor, Oliver and Bryce

Team Holy Shit We Never Stood a Chance: Joshua, Laura Kathleen, Bert, Kimberly and Becky. Woof.

Both teams must design a five piece collection after choosing the three best new textiles from the group--Oh, and you have to produce the video to run in the background and check off which sound clips you want while neither will really matter in the final judgement, but Betsey Johnson will be brought in to entertain you with cartwheels. (Sadly, she's not returning to guest judge--That spot's filled by the tiny mouthed Rose Byrne. Shame Meeky Mouse isn't still there. They could have bonded over their inability to open their lips wide enough for words to spill out in a natural, unaltered form.)

Brainstorming!! The Golden Girls all shout "Chaos!" in unison and congratulate themselves by rolling through a field of daisies and give each other Eskimo kisses. And then there's Team Crazy Pants...On one side we've got Joshua wanting a collection inspired by the Village People ("Stop saying 'fireman,' LK--Now that's all I can think of!!" Baby, I'm pretty sure you've always got hoses on your mind. just sayin.) And LK is feeling sea amoeba. Suddenly those two ideas morph into clocks and the kids start drawing gears and an array of big hands and little hands. That made my brain hurt a little.

And poor Team HSWNSAC. There was just so much anger. Bert mutters something. Joshua scolds him for using inappropriate, rude, crude and socially unacceptable language. Blah, blah, grar, roar. Dapper Dan sends the loser trio off to Mood so he can spend time putting their video for the runway show together with LK. LK puts on lots of shoes and get in and out of lots of cabs. This is supposed to have something to do with clocks. Just hand over what you've got to the editing department; they'll figure something out, don't you worry.

Waxed Ryan Reynolds calls his pops and we find out it's just been dead mom's birthday and WRR didn't get to see her one last time because he was out in the big N.Y.C. trying to make his dreams come true. Stop playing with my emotions, Bunim/Murray! Anyways, Joshua returns to the work room and makes an apology with grand hand gestures of Evita-like proportions. Let's get on with the show. And by show, I mean critiques.

Pastor Tim of Bryant Park Parish enters to high five and motorboat Team Cream Filled Chaos, because they're collection is awesome and most obviously the winner. He essentially says that as long as the clothes stay on the models, they're a shoo in. And then he wanders over to the sea of chartreuse, cerulean and cogs and immediately shites himself. A quick wardrobe change later and he forces the designers to clamp their clammy hands and channel whatever spiritual energy they can muster in order to exercise the demon from those dress forms.

Now, we all know Pastor Tim is one of the holiest of holies, but sometimes there's just no fixing ugly. And now it's time for the obvious winners and obvious losers to stomp down the runway, and Joshua has decided to come in costume: a nice combination of Uncle Jesse's cousin Stavros and anyone from the Birdcage (the lesser known 7th Village Person).

Team Chaos, What Chaos?

The Swatches (Calm down. Not the pup. He lives at Mood.)

Anthony Ryan

I love this little look. And Tom and Lorenzo have totally turned me on to the pussy bow. I say it's so effing cute. Detail on the skirt is adorable and works fabulously with the print on the top.


The model's face may be reading "stink eye", but that dress is reading "hells to the yes." How freaking pretty was that? Ridiculously stinkin pretty--That's how much.


By George, he's got it. I think he's got it. Professor Higgins must have come in, slapped that flower girl around, shoved some marbles in her mouth and showed her who's boss, because I'm finally seeing something awesome from Vaguely European Oliver. Bout damn time.


And then there's Bryce. Nothing terribly offensive. Nothing terribly deserving of chatter, so I'm just gonna leave it at that.


Because everyone on Team Smell the Roses is ever-so humble and voted for themselves as the best of the best of the pretty (except for poor Bryce who couldn't even fool himself so he voted for the one he felt most understood grain), Anya won. I'm still not quite sure why. I think her dress is adorable, but this should have been AR's win for all of his input in the concept or Viktor for that kick ass gown. It's just true talk man.

Anyway, I loved their entire collection. Want everything. And their textile designs were great, and there wasn't a Lucida Corsiva font in sight, so I automatically approve. Polite golf clap to all you, kiddos.

Team Nuts and Bombs

The Swatches

We're not starting off well, are we? Gears and Felt Tipped Roman...Buh.


Can anyone actually pull off that hem length? I just don't think it's in the cards. Either make it cocktail length or maxi. Weird calf-cutting dresses make me sad. And at some point in the evening, is she going to feel the need to unzip her boobs? Give the girls a little air? Are gears just far too confining for mammaries? The world may never know.


I do like his interlocking jacket. The pants are what they are (far too chatty), and the top's a throw away. And I do believe he put his model in snow boots. What the hell has he done?


Kimmy was smart in staying away from the new textiles, but man oh man at that "curtain raising for an encore" skirt. Woosh. I give her credit for making a a skirt with some real interest rather than the black gyno tube skirt that's become oh so common this season, but yeah...need a couple more inches tacked on to this one. If the length were appropriate for outside of a gynecologist office, I'd so want this in the closet.

Laura Kathleen

I didn't hate her jumpsuit. Actually thought it turned out pretty well. Although, I would have said, "Eff you, Felt Tip. Get away from my belt." Guess I'm not as good a team player as LK. Woops.


Oh come on. It's the Nothing... (said in whispered breaths)

By the way, I love that this is the second time in my blog's history that I'm getting to reference the Nothing. And both have been perfectly appropriate.

Yeah. There's absolutely nothing to this outfit. The vents in the sleeves of the jacket gave a teeny bit of interest, but come on. Come on! Were you expecting to be praised for a home ec skirt and Cato clearance blouse? I. Think. Not. Go on home, baby girl. I'll miss what could have been...

Friday, September 2, 2011

I like real depressing music.

Of course you do, Oliver... (deep sigh and shakes head)

But I so want your bag, so I'll forgive you momentarily for your Danny Downer-ness.

Anyways, let's get to the challenge at hand, because I am giddy with anticipation. Yes, giddy. Let's break it down.

1. TWO day challenge
2. Avant Garde (made with real Mood fabric and not paint trays or Chinese takeout boxes)
3. Inspired by wicked talented Harlem art student paintings

5. Lord Timmy Gunnfordshire CHASING SWATCH!!

Come on, there's no way this episode can't be a big big winner, right? Plus, I'm pretty sure I know what Bert's design is going to be:

It's an imitation Scaasi!
(If you get and love that reference as much as I do, we're soul mates.)

So the challenge really starts out at Harlem School of the Arts. Once the designers realize they'll just be using the students' artwork as inspiration and not actually designing their Halloween prom dresses, they lighten up and enjoy themselves. Except for Oliver who's burrowing under canvases to listen to his real depressing music on his walkman. (Walkmans are still the music vehicle of choice for faux Europeans, right?) Anywhooo, the students whip together some crazy awesome inspiration with Bob Ross speed and the designers head off to Mood. Joshie picks up faux fur. Anya finds some $5 fabric in the basement (It might be there for a reason, m'dear...). Now let's go all Trick Daddy and take it to da house. Or the workroom, whatevs.

Any drama that might have been production-prodded last week has been swept under the dress forms, because everybody seems pretty honky-dorey and whatnot. So let's give a quick drama-free rundown:

*They're trying to make me like Bert. He gets a video call with his family. And dog. And he talks about his dead lover. Don't make me like you, Bert! My mind's made up. I think. Crap.

*Joshua lost his mommy and gets teary. His bronzer's running and so is mine. (Not really, I'm not fabulous enough for bronzer. But I do get a little red-eyed and puffy-faced.) I lurv him.

*Bert is making MC Hammer pants. (Guffaw)

*Laura Kathleen used to burn her Barbies. (Eff you, Project Runway; Now I'm starting to like LK, too? I don't know what to do with myself.)

*Tim Gunn, Patron Saint of Watercress and Finger Bowls tells Kimberly to lay off on the feathers...You don't want to give Michael Kors the chance to reference Hiawatha on the runway. (Oh m'gah Notorious T.F.G., you are so dead on! [OK, so I don't know Tim's middle name, but taking my dirty mouth into account, what do you think it is in my head?]).

*Anya wears far too many bracelets.

*"I just don't want to blow it again." -Joshie- (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!)

*"Then it always stretches out and then I cry." -Bryce- (That's what she said?)

*Ok, so when did Oliver become Irish? He's been "British" for the first few episodes, but his mouth is totally channeling Lucky Charms and shillelaghs this challenge...Weird.

*Speaking of the Mouth Melting Pot, I love when Tim Gunn shuts folks down in the workroom. "Whyyyy are you gluing? That is a construction issue that can't be mitigated by gluing. It's against the rules, Fuckwad." Oh, it's just delicious.

*Joshua sweetly strokes the small of Joshie's back. Ok, maybe he was just picking lint, but that's not what was happening in my head!!

And before we move on to the runway, let's enjoy a bit of snark from:

Viktor's a Funny Bitch Corner

"Oh my Lord of the Rings"
"I hope it doesn't look like a House of Dereon dress..."
"Who does a gown out of denim? And all those little boxes over here like FedEx just shipped em and left em there."
"Looks kinda like...Carmen Miranda and a vampire."

Ok, with Nina's absence the judges went a little cray cray. Was this not the most confusing breakdown of top, bottom and mediocre, ever? Kenneth Cole (aka Anti-Kors...You know, with the white jacket and all), I don't think you're going to be allowed back.

The "TJ Maxx Sell-outs and Victoria's Secret Model Say You're not Avant Garde Enough"s

What? You know you've seen those Kenneth Cole Reaction purses and tacky MK t-shirts hanging in the racks.


Um...It's a selection from the Dusty African Boudoir Collection. Not crazy about it. (But I guess it does channel the painting, blah blah blah)


Oh Becky. I love that to you, avant garde means a denim gown with asymmetrical hem and fuzzy dice tacked to the shoulder. God love ya.


Ok Bryce. You've got the cray craziest painting of the bunch and you somehow give me a booooring "straight jacket gown." If you're gonna make a straight jacket, make a straight jacket. You just made really long sleeves. Because I have the arm length of a T-Rex, I understand this concept with nearly all of my sweaters and long sleeve t-shirts, and it's only reinforced by my mother rolling up my cuffs whenever she sees me. And that's just what I want to do to your model. Step up, man!! Gaga would never go for this!


I actually thought this deserved a little praise. It was interesting, well-made and well-inspired.


This too--Now, I don't dig the vag fringe she's rocking, but his fabric manipulation and all the pleating and what not... Deserves some recognition, man.

The Most Avant Gardey


Joshua wasn't thrilled about having an evil eye tree to work with, so he tweaked the inspiration to include Mom (swoon), by "carving" his and mom's initials into his neoprene hand-painted skirt (double swoon). I'll ignore the fact that the top looks like the inside of a CanCan skirt. I lurv him today, and that's all that matters.

Laura Kathleen

Ok...No...I mean, it's really well made, but I'm getting a melted butter feel. Not that I don't love butter. Just not on my dress. And I'm sorry, but when you've got to provide an outline including footnotes to the judges explaining how the dress and the painting are related, well, in the words of Melvin Udall, [they] can shampoo my crotch.

Anthony Ryan--The Victorious


Not that I don't lurv AR. We know I do. But it's a craft project, no? Something one might sell on Etsy. With the same neck as his birdseed dress. I like the brush stroke "inspiration," but he could have at least shot for using the same color palate right? Fuck. Colorblind. I'm an asshole. Oh well, congrats One Ball Baton Rouger. (It was really worth him winning just so I could hear him squeal, "I’M SO EXCITED!!! I’m not a bridesmaid anymore. I’m an official bride; my groom can take me on my honeymoon; I have won." Lurv.

Avant Tarde


Oh come on. Zero inspiration from the painting. And ugly. And poorly made. (I have no idea where the judges were seeing this "well made corset." I'm pretty sure the right half was made from a pair of St. John knit khakis.) It was sloppy, and I see his model's g-string. Eww. You do indeed make Valium clothes. Go. Home. Rabbit. Killer.


BAH! She's a pregnant clown whore. BAH! Something a Teletubbie would wear to a party. (Marry me, Michael Kors?)

Joshie--The Auffed. Again.

Oh no...Poor lil buddy edited too much and ended up with a Victorian cocktail waitress in Las Vegas with Faster Pussycat Kill boots. (No seriously--Marry me, Michael Kors?) It's obvious Joshie should be going home (for the terror of that skirt alone). If he'd kept it long and--dare I say it--with the fur, he may could have scraped by and Ollie would be outta here. Oh I'm sad. Please go make out with Josh before you leave, OK?

Oh Tim, I muffed it up again

You know that's the only time he'll ever say "muff".
Just sayin.