But I so want your bag, so I'll forgive you momentarily for your Danny Downer-ness.
Anyways, let's get to the challenge at hand, because I am giddy with anticipation. Yes, giddy. Let's break it down.
1. TWO day challenge
2. Avant Garde (made with real Mood fabric and not paint trays or Chinese takeout boxes)
3. Inspired by wicked talented Harlem art student paintings
5. Lord Timmy Gunnfordshire CHASING SWATCH!!
Come on, there's no way this episode can't be a big big winner, right? Plus, I'm pretty sure I know what Bert's design is going to be:
It's an imitation Scaasi!
(If you get and love that reference as much as I do, we're soul mates.)
So the challenge really starts out at Harlem School of the Arts. Once the designers realize they'll just be using the students' artwork as inspiration and not actually designing their Halloween prom dresses, they lighten up and enjoy themselves. Except for Oliver who's burrowing under canvases to listen to his real depressing music on his walkman. (Walkmans are still the music vehicle of choice for faux Europeans, right?) Anywhooo, the students whip together some crazy awesome inspiration with Bob Ross speed and the designers head off to Mood. Joshie picks up faux fur. Anya finds some $5 fabric in the basement (It might be there for a reason, m'dear...). Now let's go all Trick Daddy and take it to da house. Or the workroom, whatevs.
Any drama that might have been production-prodded last week has been swept under the dress forms, because everybody seems pretty honky-dorey and whatnot. So let's give a quick drama-free rundown:
*They're trying to make me like Bert. He gets a video call with his family. And dog. And he talks about his dead lover. Don't make me like you, Bert! My mind's made up. I think. Crap.
*Joshua lost his mommy and gets teary. His bronzer's running and so is mine. (Not really, I'm not fabulous enough for bronzer. But I do get a little red-eyed and puffy-faced.) I lurv him.
*Bert is making MC Hammer pants. (Guffaw)
*Laura Kathleen used to burn her Barbies. (Eff you, Project Runway; Now I'm starting to like LK, too? I don't know what to do with myself.)
*Tim Gunn, Patron Saint of Watercress and Finger Bowls tells Kimberly to lay off on the feathers...You don't want to give Michael Kors the chance to reference Hiawatha on the runway. (Oh m'gah Notorious T.F.G., you are so dead on! [OK, so I don't know Tim's middle name, but taking my dirty mouth into account, what do you think it is in my head?]).
*Anya wears far too many bracelets.
*"I just don't want to blow it again." -Joshie- (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!)
*"Then it always stretches out and then I cry." -Bryce- (That's what she said?)
*Ok, so when did Oliver become Irish? He's been "British" for the first few episodes, but his mouth is totally channeling Lucky Charms and shillelaghs this challenge...Weird.
*Speaking of the Mouth Melting Pot, I love when Tim Gunn shuts folks down in the workroom. "Whyyyy are you gluing? That is a construction issue that can't be mitigated by gluing. It's against the rules, Fuckwad." Oh, it's just delicious.
*Joshua sweetly strokes the small of Joshie's back. Ok, maybe he was just picking lint, but that's not what was happening in my head!!
And before we move on to the runway, let's enjoy a bit of snark from:
Viktor's a Funny Bitch Corner
"Oh my Lord of the Rings"
"I hope it doesn't look like a House of Dereon dress..."
"Who does a gown out of denim? And all those little boxes over here like FedEx just shipped em and left em there."
"Looks kinda like...Carmen Miranda and a vampire."
Ok, with Nina's absence the judges went a little cray cray. Was this not the most confusing breakdown of top, bottom and mediocre, ever? Kenneth Cole (aka Anti-Kors...You know, with the white jacket and all), I don't think you're going to be allowed back.
The "TJ Maxx Sell-outs and Victoria's Secret Model Say You're not Avant Garde Enough"s
What? You know you've seen those Kenneth Cole Reaction purses and tacky MK t-shirts hanging in the racks.
Um...It's a selection from the Dusty African Boudoir Collection. Not crazy about it. (But I guess it does channel the painting, blah blah blah)
Oh Becky. I love that to you, avant garde means a denim gown with asymmetrical hem and fuzzy dice tacked to the shoulder. God love ya.
Ok Bryce. You've got the cray craziest painting of the bunch and you somehow give me a booooring "straight jacket gown." If you're gonna make a straight jacket, make a straight jacket. You just made really long sleeves. Because I have the arm length of a T-Rex, I understand this concept with nearly all of my sweaters and long sleeve t-shirts, and it's only reinforced by my mother rolling up my cuffs whenever she sees me. And that's just what I want to do to your model. Step up, man!! Gaga would never go for this!
I actually thought this deserved a little praise. It was interesting, well-made and well-inspired.
This too--Now, I don't dig the vag fringe she's rocking, but his fabric manipulation and all the pleating and what not... Deserves some recognition, man.
The Most Avant Gardey
Joshua wasn't thrilled about having an evil eye tree to work with, so he tweaked the inspiration to include Mom (swoon), by "carving" his and mom's initials into his neoprene hand-painted skirt (double swoon). I'll ignore the fact that the top looks like the inside of a CanCan skirt. I lurv him today, and that's all that matters.
Ok...No...I mean, it's really well made, but I'm getting a melted butter feel. Not that I don't love butter. Just not on my dress. And I'm sorry, but when you've got to provide an outline including footnotes to the judges explaining how the dress and the painting are related, well, in the words of Melvin Udall, [they] can shampoo my crotch.
Anthony Ryan--The Victorious
Not that I don't lurv AR. We know I do. But it's a craft project, no? Something one might sell on Etsy. With the same neck as his birdseed dress. I like the brush stroke "inspiration," but he could have at least shot for using the same color palate right? Fuck. Colorblind. I'm an asshole. Oh well, congrats One Ball Baton Rouger. (It was really worth him winning just so I could hear him squeal, "I’M SO EXCITED!!! I’m not a bridesmaid anymore. I’m an official bride; my groom can take me on my honeymoon; I have won." Lurv.
Oh come on. Zero inspiration from the painting. And ugly. And poorly made. (I have no idea where the judges were seeing this "well made corset." I'm pretty sure the right half was made from a pair of St. John knit khakis.) It was sloppy, and I see his model's g-string. Eww. You do indeed make Valium clothes. Go. Home. Rabbit. Killer.
BAH! She's a pregnant clown whore. BAH! Something a Teletubbie would wear to a party. (Marry me, Michael Kors?)
Joshie--The Auffed. Again.
Oh no...Poor lil buddy edited too much and ended up with a Victorian cocktail waitress in Las Vegas with Faster Pussycat Kill boots. (No seriously--Marry me, Michael Kors?) It's obvious Joshie should be going home (for the terror of that skirt alone). If he'd kept it long and--dare I say it--with the fur, he may could have scraped by and Ollie would be outta here. Oh I'm sad. Please go make out with Josh before you leave, OK?
Oh Tim, I muffed it up again
You know that's the only time he'll ever say "muff".