Friday, September 9, 2011

Tim Gunn Thinks You Need Jesus.

Welcome back to another week of Project Runway and the 73rd group challenge this season! The producers have found a gold mine in these group dynamics, haven't they? Eat it up while you can, sirs. We're also reincarnating the "Design your Own Textile" challenge from a few seasons back that brought us the illustrious and brilliant "ES hearts SA" print that finally allowed Emilio Sosa to declare his love for Seth Aaron in Comic Sans. Wasn't that lovely? I sure hope I get to see another overly used and tacky font grace the runway this season... (Forshadowiiiing...)

So we're shaking things up this team challenge by being sans leader (first time on PR? Think so. Maybe.), and that can only lead to perfect, harmonious goodness or... Mutiny. Once we see how the teams break down, you'll know I'm totally right.

Team Holy Shit the Other Guys Don't Stand a Chance: Anthony Ryan, Anya, Viktor, Oliver and Bryce

Team Holy Shit We Never Stood a Chance: Joshua, Laura Kathleen, Bert, Kimberly and Becky. Woof.

Both teams must design a five piece collection after choosing the three best new textiles from the group--Oh, and you have to produce the video to run in the background and check off which sound clips you want while neither will really matter in the final judgement, but Betsey Johnson will be brought in to entertain you with cartwheels. (Sadly, she's not returning to guest judge--That spot's filled by the tiny mouthed Rose Byrne. Shame Meeky Mouse isn't still there. They could have bonded over their inability to open their lips wide enough for words to spill out in a natural, unaltered form.)

Brainstorming!! The Golden Girls all shout "Chaos!" in unison and congratulate themselves by rolling through a field of daisies and give each other Eskimo kisses. And then there's Team Crazy Pants...On one side we've got Joshua wanting a collection inspired by the Village People ("Stop saying 'fireman,' LK--Now that's all I can think of!!" Baby, I'm pretty sure you've always got hoses on your mind. just sayin.) And LK is feeling sea amoeba. Suddenly those two ideas morph into clocks and the kids start drawing gears and an array of big hands and little hands. That made my brain hurt a little.

And poor Team HSWNSAC. There was just so much anger. Bert mutters something. Joshua scolds him for using inappropriate, rude, crude and socially unacceptable language. Blah, blah, grar, roar. Dapper Dan sends the loser trio off to Mood so he can spend time putting their video for the runway show together with LK. LK puts on lots of shoes and get in and out of lots of cabs. This is supposed to have something to do with clocks. Just hand over what you've got to the editing department; they'll figure something out, don't you worry.

Waxed Ryan Reynolds calls his pops and we find out it's just been dead mom's birthday and WRR didn't get to see her one last time because he was out in the big N.Y.C. trying to make his dreams come true. Stop playing with my emotions, Bunim/Murray! Anyways, Joshua returns to the work room and makes an apology with grand hand gestures of Evita-like proportions. Let's get on with the show. And by show, I mean critiques.

Pastor Tim of Bryant Park Parish enters to high five and motorboat Team Cream Filled Chaos, because they're collection is awesome and most obviously the winner. He essentially says that as long as the clothes stay on the models, they're a shoo in. And then he wanders over to the sea of chartreuse, cerulean and cogs and immediately shites himself. A quick wardrobe change later and he forces the designers to clamp their clammy hands and channel whatever spiritual energy they can muster in order to exercise the demon from those dress forms.

Now, we all know Pastor Tim is one of the holiest of holies, but sometimes there's just no fixing ugly. And now it's time for the obvious winners and obvious losers to stomp down the runway, and Joshua has decided to come in costume: a nice combination of Uncle Jesse's cousin Stavros and anyone from the Birdcage (the lesser known 7th Village Person).

Team Chaos, What Chaos?

The Swatches (Calm down. Not the pup. He lives at Mood.)

Anthony Ryan

I love this little look. And Tom and Lorenzo have totally turned me on to the pussy bow. I say it's so effing cute. Detail on the skirt is adorable and works fabulously with the print on the top.


The model's face may be reading "stink eye", but that dress is reading "hells to the yes." How freaking pretty was that? Ridiculously stinkin pretty--That's how much.


By George, he's got it. I think he's got it. Professor Higgins must have come in, slapped that flower girl around, shoved some marbles in her mouth and showed her who's boss, because I'm finally seeing something awesome from Vaguely European Oliver. Bout damn time.


And then there's Bryce. Nothing terribly offensive. Nothing terribly deserving of chatter, so I'm just gonna leave it at that.


Because everyone on Team Smell the Roses is ever-so humble and voted for themselves as the best of the best of the pretty (except for poor Bryce who couldn't even fool himself so he voted for the one he felt most understood grain), Anya won. I'm still not quite sure why. I think her dress is adorable, but this should have been AR's win for all of his input in the concept or Viktor for that kick ass gown. It's just true talk man.

Anyway, I loved their entire collection. Want everything. And their textile designs were great, and there wasn't a Lucida Corsiva font in sight, so I automatically approve. Polite golf clap to all you, kiddos.

Team Nuts and Bombs

The Swatches

We're not starting off well, are we? Gears and Felt Tipped Roman...Buh.


Can anyone actually pull off that hem length? I just don't think it's in the cards. Either make it cocktail length or maxi. Weird calf-cutting dresses make me sad. And at some point in the evening, is she going to feel the need to unzip her boobs? Give the girls a little air? Are gears just far too confining for mammaries? The world may never know.


I do like his interlocking jacket. The pants are what they are (far too chatty), and the top's a throw away. And I do believe he put his model in snow boots. What the hell has he done?


Kimmy was smart in staying away from the new textiles, but man oh man at that "curtain raising for an encore" skirt. Woosh. I give her credit for making a a skirt with some real interest rather than the black gyno tube skirt that's become oh so common this season, but yeah...need a couple more inches tacked on to this one. If the length were appropriate for outside of a gynecologist office, I'd so want this in the closet.

Laura Kathleen

I didn't hate her jumpsuit. Actually thought it turned out pretty well. Although, I would have said, "Eff you, Felt Tip. Get away from my belt." Guess I'm not as good a team player as LK. Woops.


Oh come on. It's the Nothing... (said in whispered breaths)

By the way, I love that this is the second time in my blog's history that I'm getting to reference the Nothing. And both have been perfectly appropriate.

Yeah. There's absolutely nothing to this outfit. The vents in the sleeves of the jacket gave a teeny bit of interest, but come on. Come on! Were you expecting to be praised for a home ec skirt and Cato clearance blouse? I. Think. Not. Go on home, baby girl. I'll miss what could have been...

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