Saturday, August 27, 2011

Her Demographic is 40 to Death.

Ok kids, we're keeping it short and sweet this week because Sister is in town and we have horrible movies to watch and delicious homemade oatmeal creme pies to eat. So in the words of our friend, Mr. Marvin Gaye, let's get it oooonnn. WAAaaahhh...

Welcome back to the New Balance challenge. AKA the one from last season that we all forgot about except for the knockoff Lululemon winner. I think I blocked it out because of all the gray and drawstrings. Anyway, Heidi needs some looks to sell on to match her denim tennis shoes, so get to work minions!

And now a speed recap!

Becky should really consider keeping a spare comb in her bedside table. Po' 'ol Becky.

Cecilia might actually be dead. This scares me. If a mouth breather doesn't breath...What does it do?

For some reason, even though this is Heidi's fucking line, she still gets to wear her Louboutins while dear Dame Gunn, Lady of Wingtips, is forced to wear fucking sneakers. You know his toes must feel so squishy and he doesn't like it.

Cecilia is a mondo asshole crybaby who doesn't wanna run around the New Balance track. Oh, she doesn't want to be on the show anymore either. You know, the show you tried out for. Sorry you had to actually, you know, compete once you got on. GFY, Cece.

Oliver fall down go boom. BAH. BA-HAHA.

So lazy eye went away, but the designers got to choose who shall return. Since most of the departed are sallow face no-funners guess who got the bid...


And now their true love can continue on course as planned. YES. First Project Runway wedding? Lord willing.

Oh, Bert's a major asshole. Joshua made Becky cry in a bathroom, but at least he's sassy and well-plucked. Bert. You are a sad, sad, little curmudgeon and I want to kick you. A lot.

Someone who looks like an emaciated Rumor Willis with a chin sharp enough to open a tin can was the guest judge. I fear her.

Oh, and there were clothes. And teams. What? That's an important part of a recap? Woops.

Team Who Cares Joshie's Back, Bitches!




Oh my. Oliver made a sad, sad little number that a Duggar wouldn't even wear. I don't know where this woman is going. Because she's probably homeless and mentally ill, so I don't want to follow her. Fuck Yeah Joshie made a sneaker appropriate outfit. Nothing spectacular, but at'll do, pig. At'll do. Viktor kicked major ass and took home Win #1. For real want to own that outfit.

Team 40 to Death




Joshua picks up Win #2 by managing his team so well through tears and forced servitude. Anya's dress, sewn by Becky and inspired by Josh's eyebrows will be available to the masses and bought by people that look like Anya. Becky's poor short and tight and lumpy number will look on it longingly, wishing it, too, could have been worn by a beauty queen and near porn star. Wah wah I'm not dowdy wahhh. Joshua's outfit says fuck you all. I"m a netted vest, bitch. I don't care what you say.

Team Bert's a Dick


Laura Kathleen

Anthony Ryan

Oh Anthony Ryan. Baby. One ball. It served you well in the race (being more aerodynamic and such), but perhaps it has also caused you to believe that flying squirrel camel toe is on trend. Woof McWooferson, I don't think I've seen anything more unattractive. More aesthetically not pleasing. More so so sad...Than this. Oh, LK made a strange vest, but I didn't think it was as horrid as pointy chin did, and Bert made a pillow case top for a slutty cocktail waitress in 1994. Oh, and I hate you Bert.

Team Bryce Looks Weird (as in Normal) Without Glasses



Meeky Mouse

Bryce made a shiny potato sack dress with darts that looked like they were stapled in that for some reason the judges creamed for and found acceptable to wear with tennis shoes. (Huh?) No qualms with Kimberly's outfit except for the strange, built-in FUPA/GUNT pouch. Weird. And the dismissed...Meeky Mouse. A sad, floppy, chiffon tank top and unflattering (and bor--sl(*)kdfjalkdsfj. Woops fell asleep on the keyboard--ing. Take your teeny bow, your teeny mouth and ginormous braid and excuse yourself.

All in all, a fabulous episode. Meth bedroom eyes Cece and Meeky Mouse Danielle are auffed and bubble butt Joshie is back in the game and lookin' for love. Break out your best ascot and womanly chenille sweater and WORK IT!

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