Tuesday, August 9, 2011

I had rabbits. But they all died.

Oh Oliver. That’s right: Oliver. As in “And Company” or “Please, sir, may I have some more.” You lost the extra “i” when we found out you lived in Ohio until you were 16. Accents or non-accents are well developed by the time one is in his mid-teens. That is unless you were a deaf mute until you moved to Paris. If that is indeed the case, my apologies and your superfluous “i” will be replaced. But I’m gonna need that in writing and notarized by your physician, Dr. CitizenoftheworldmyassIgrewupinColumbus.

Anyway, Monsieur O leads us into the challenge of the week: Hello unconventional materials!

Timmy's excited.

This season the designers are foregoing car parts, Gristedes, Party City and the Hershey Factory for... Duh dum da duhhhh: Petland SuperStore! Yes. I would like to see a garden snake cuff and Frontline hair bows as accessories please. Go! (Time out. Wouldn't a Swatch cameo have been perfect this episode? Yes. Yes it would have. Time in.)

The work room hasn't been declared an official drama zone yet. Viktor is making terrible Bring it On comebacks (That's all right. That's OK. You're gonna pump my gas someday. Really? That was lame in the 90s, man. Get more fabulous!). He does however coin, "This isn't fashion. It's trashion." Gotta say it like a bitchy queen though or else it loses its punch. Laura scraps her cone skirt idea. Guess the model could still chew on her ass, thus defeating its purpose. Julie is designing a Corto seat belt coat knock off. Bert is totally phoning in this challenge. He might as well have dressed his model in an extra large puppy sweater and called it a day. Anthony hasn't mentioned ball cancer or color blindness once-You go Glen Coco!

Eventually the 12 hour hot glue binge had to come to a close and now it's time for the runway. Let's see what the cat dragged in, shall we?

Winning's for the birds. We're safe, motherfuckers!

Viktor: Congratulations for making wee wee pads not look like wee wee pads. And screw you for making us all say wee wee pads so much this episode. The dying came out really well. It's a shame the dress is way way too simple. Michael Kors is right. You only need crazy accessories when the outfit's a bore. (Cough, cough giant necklace, faux hawk hair *cough* studded belt.)

Laura: It's not awful. But I think it's stiff (guess that's what a cardboard skirt gets ya) and the gaping in the weaving drives me nuts. I still hate you.

Kimberly: She tried real hard. But to me it's totally reading Jillian's Twizzler dress. Except sloppier and I'm gonna guess it doesn't smell like cherries.

Julie: Oh good lord. What a walking mess this dress is. This. This right here is the definition of "trashion," people. And that poor model's gotta smell like Alpo, right? That smell doesn't just go away because you dump the food out. Double woof to you, poor man's Corto.

Danielle: I hate this look. The top resembles a fish net being cast to catch sad, lumpy aubergine carp. Paired with Kelly Kapowski's acid wash denim skirt makes this outfit completely tragic.

Cecilia: Coloring in the skirt's not bad. Well, not bad for hamster bedding. But let's face it, the shape and design is uber-simple. Makes me wanna curl up in the leftover bedding and have a nap. (Oh, but color-me-happy that she didn't go through with using dog food on the actual outfit. My god at the potential, smelly tragedy.)

Bert: Bertram. We have a problem. Scaasi would kick your ever-loving ass for parading this down the runway. First of all, I love how Bertie says he's gonna leave the clowning around for this challenge to the kids, yet he was the only one to incorporate a Bozo the Clown ruffle into his design...Secondly. Take this coloring book and go sit in the corner. The grownups have work to do and people to judge. Be ready to play with the big boys and girls next week, would ya?

Becky: It's Toucan Sam's mistress, man. A den mother dressed for Carnival. (But I still dig ya, Becks because ya called Josh out for putting puppies on the puppies. Now that's true talk.)

Anya: Again, props to a chick who doesn't know how to sew. Good thing this challenge involved a lot of hot glue. The top looks pretty similar to what came down the runway last week, though... I'm anxious to see what she does when she can't hem with Gorilla Glue.

The Cocks of the Wok

Joshua: Ya know, mad props for creating that pattern and not sending down a gyno-skirt, but the styling's atrocious and that top is screaming Gretchen at me. Don't make your clothes say such horrible things next week, mmk? You're the best, hugs and kisses.

Anthony: Yes. Yes. Yes. Love this dress. It's like edible tweed. It'd make Tippi Hedren flip her shit, but it'd be totally worth it. And I'm sorry. I don't see her ass cheeks or lady bits so it's totally not too short. Screw you Garcia.

Oliver: The Victorious. Ok. I don't dislike this look. I think the design is really chic and the ombre on the skirt is fab. I don't mind that he used bedding, a "conventional" material on the top. He did enough work making hamster shavings look fashionable. BUT. How can the judges not mention the fact that his model looks three times her actual size. If anyone looks like they're nursing in this challenge, it's this chick. And the mulch eyebrows creep me out. It's well-deserving of 2nd place, but for once the panel should've listened to Heidi and given the win to Mr. Rock One.

The bottom of the litter box

Bryce: There's really not much to say on this Depends for Pups inspired dress, is there? When Heidi wants to piss on your garment, there's not much rock bottom left for you to hit. Fab up, Bryce.

Fallene: B-b-b-boring. Styled horribly and let's face it. It's the runner up outfit from the Miss Horn O Plenty Festival. It probably should have just been "safe" and Julie should be going home for her Iams-inspired bullshitness instead of...

Josh: Dooohhh Joshie. So so sad. I still don't know why he changed his top and shortened the skirt from the original design.

Way cuter, right? I actually thought he'd be safe all during the workroom scenes. And I'm sorry, I don't consider an umbrella to be "conventional materials." because it's an umbrella and not a fucking table cloth. Just sayin. But what I'm most upset over...

The Joshes will never get to consummate their love on national television. Oh the unbeknownst passion. You know you feel it too!! No woman will ever make you feel the way Joshua's bronzer does!!

Look at that face. Tim Gunn does not get weepy for just any one. Only bow tied Mormons who have yet to figure out that they haven't met the right boys yet can bring Sir Gunn to tears. (But he has. And his name is Joshua. He over plucks and accessorizes, but you could have had such love!)

That's right. Take comfort in curling next to Papa Tim's ascotted bosom. We shall miss your destined-to-be-bottomed bubble butt and potential flamboyancy. Ahh...We weep for what could (and should) have been.

For once I agree with your face.


T. Nance said...

So while I was in Tuscaloosa this weekend, Danielle and Miranda decided they would be putting this on the TV while I was in the living room. I turned it into a drinking game - drink every time the words/phrases, "chic," and "wee wee pad," are uttered. True story.

Mellie said...

Best. True. Story. Ever. Bet you were shitcanned, weren't ya? Project Runway's dangerous that way.

T. Nance said...

I was not, actually. Didn't start the game until around the middle of the show. Plus, it was Natty Light, so not much in the way of alcohol content, yanno?

Mellie said...

Natty? We're grown ups now, sir. Weak sauce...