Saturday, August 20, 2011

Joan Crawford's St. Patty's Day Party. I'll bring the acorn squash puree.

I'm afraid my critique this week may come out a bit *stilted*; I'm still on such a *high* from last week. That challenge really *towered* over anything that's been done in the past. The designers really *teetered* between fashion genius and sheer shit. (Ok, just joshin' about that last one. There was no fashion genius last week; I just really wanted to make that pun work. Although there quite literally was a ton of sheer shit, danke to Cecilia and Danielle.)

And that bit's a wrap! Let's move along to the challenge for this week:

It's Nina Motherfucking Garcia, bitches. Oh, I am in love. After last week's ridiculous, drape-a-flight-of-stairs-in-charmeuse challenge, designing a work to evening look for Nina, Dame of Taste and Quick Tonguedness is just what we needed. Get it to it!

Snips of Snark from the Workroom Floor

Oh m'gah, Cecilia is rockin' my nerrrrves. Plus she's the first person in the history of history to not find fabric at Mood. And really? In a moment of panic, the two colors you choose are in hues of grey poupon and silver skin? What is wrong with you?

Plus, we've found the mouth-breather of the season. Pair it with the least seductive pair of perma-bedroom eyes known to man and you get my least favorite person ever. (Can you believe she's beating out Laura Kathleen aka Too Pretty to be Poor? Me neither. But she hasn't said anything offensive to my ears since Episode 2. It's weird.)

Becky shops at Kohls. #1 I totally have this belt:

#2 I totally tried on this top. (Not flattering. It was a bad shirt. Asshole.)

I say this because I gotta let Becky in on a tidbit of information that would be beneficial to her self-discovery. One who shops as Kohls should not consider him or herself as "alternative" (as you tend to do, Becky). Do you know how many sweater sets I've picked up at Kohls? TONS. Oh, and you own a denim blazer. Lo siento Beckita, but strange feather earrings do not "alternative" make. Stick with quirky. Quirky is your style. Own it. And burn those Choctaw earrings, mk?

Ok, this isn't the least bit snarkful, but I gotta say...Dawwwhhhh! How effing cute are Anthony Ryan and fiance? So much adoring. Did the call serve any sort of purpose? No. Did it make me want to marry a gay Southern man swathed in cerulean tank tops? Hells yes.

Bryce wants to put Nina Use My Full Name Garcia in a cowl neck. Go fuck yourself. Dismiss yourself from the competition. You don't deserve to be here. Why don't you just go ahead and design her a velour sweatsuit. Get one of the crazy clown models from last week to make you some balloon animals and dress them instead. Helium and latex seem more your speed.

I'm gonna put $100 bucks on Oliver making NMFG a grey jacket and boxy skirt in a similar muted palate. All I've seen is the muslin (And thank you, Viktor for that design PSA...) and Oliver's vague expression, but that's all we really need to predict the fruits of his labor, yes?

And finally, good God, Danielle.

"My style easily transitions from day to evening, so I got that goin for me, which is nice." Shut it Spakler. That teeny tiny gob of hers is driving me nutso. From henceforth I shall refer to her a Meeky Mouse.

It's runway time and Tim Gunn, Earl of Earl Grey and Sucrets enters into an abandoned workroom. Wuh oh. Suddenly the pits and small of the back of his Zegna suit dampen. As he storms into the sewing room he gently and dapperly reminds the designers to pull their collective heads out of their asses and not screw this up. He will not look like a Welsh Pony's ass in front of Lady Nina G.

Now, since TG warned the designers not present a parade of grey on the runway, of course the grey contenders were safe. Huh. That makes sense. Let's judge them further, shall we?

The Muted Middle


I. Am a genius. Replace "skirt" with "cigarette pant" and my prediction was dead on. And maybe Viktor explained to us the concept of muslin so we could all recognize it in Oliver's jacket. Weak sauce, O. Plus it looks sloppy awful. Two words that Nina Garcia abhor.

Laura Kathleen

If Nina were heading to a Feliz Navidad party, then yeah this would be suitable. That being said, it's cute enough. Well made. Essentially, what one should do when one has immunity (*cough* Bert *cough*). Plus, isn't her model the worst walker ever? Dumper McDumperson.


Actually like this. And look at it: It's not covered in rhinestones and the shoes are sans flotsam. Our lil Joshie listened to the judges. I give Gypsy Rose Lee mad props for putting something clean and pretty down the runway.


Bryce's attempt at a safe outfit. We get a boring dress with an atrocious hem. He should be reamed with a Singer sewing machine for that hem. Woof.


So. Fucking. Boring. Just go away, Bert. We're done now.


Um. It's all right. Again, the tiniest sliver of lime green piping isn't alternative. Bluughghh.

Anthony Ryan

A little Juniors Section for NMFG, right? So glad they didn't acknowledge the twin fabrics during judging because these two outfits really don't deserve to be talked about. (Sorry, kids.)

The Praised


Like the shoulder treatment. Simple. Clean. Don't think the fit is awesome, but it gets the panel's seal of approval. Kerry Why Am I Here Washington takes it a little far by referring to the suit as a "piece." Sorry babes. This is gonna be in Macy's by the end of the year. And we're not at an art installation. Don't call it a piece. Let Joanna Coles talk for you.


Ok, so LK helped her finish the collar. Whatevs, I didn't piddle myself like you know Viktor did when she received her props, but I'm not gonna fawn over her sewing skills (the chick's gotta figure out how to construct an attractive crotch. Yeah, I said it. I am going to say--Yay you for not putting Nina in mustard, but instead dying the fabric (first time that I can recall designers manipulating Mood fabrics since Korto bleached denim back in the day.) Yeah, I'm pretty sure Dapper Dan and Uniballer suggested it, but she listened and did it. Muy bien.

Kid Tested, Nina Approved


Yeah, Nina pretty much creamed herself as this came stomping down the runway. And I don't blame her. The top is fab (a little shiny for me, but I don't work at Marie Claire), and the pants are wicked awesome. Plus she styled it to NMFG perfection, down to the one signature cocktail ring. Brava. Enjoy that win, lady.

Purse of the Lips

Meeky Mouse

Good glory to all that is sad and boring. Michael Kors sees his 1980s Aunt Mildred Pierce and Joanna Holy Shit Coles thinks she should be in the kitchen making acorn squash puree. I enjoy how she puts so much specificity and detail into her judgments. I like this woman and think she should be added onto the panel permanently.


Oh it's just a sad Holly Hobby baby vomit dress, isn't it? Shake a can of pennies at it and make it go away.

The Shunned


Oh Julie...This is the anti-Nina outfit. Know why? Because Kors imagines its pockets chock full of Kleenex, and obviously Nina La Serpentina Garcia uses Marie Claire interns as her tissues. And it's a fucking housecoat. Can you imagine her in a housecoat? Surrounded by cats? Shuffling along in heel-worn Birkenstocks? I. Think. Not. And so we bid adieu to Dog Chewed My Face (and droat) Julie. We shall miss your pueblo creations.

Next Week: Designers must race to be team leaders. Was the black velvet bag getting too boring? And. Um, designers aren’t athletes. Gatorade is not going to become a sponsor of Project Runway. Why oh why are they running? Are they designing a track team’s uniforms? Thy didn’t even have to do this when they designed Olympics Opening Ceremony outfits. What does Becky-Kohl do to piss off Dapper Dan? Does Oliver have a heart attack? Oh the confusion!

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