Saturday, August 13, 2011

It's Off Grain, Bitch.

Well, we've survived the unconventional challenge; no one came out flea ridden or is host to heartworms (although Fallene and Julie are looking a bit mangy), so it's time to move on to something a little more traditional. Like 8' models. Just think of it as another version of plus size. You'll be good to go as long as you have a barrel or two for your dress form to perch. On top of the stilts, this is also going to be the first outdoor runway open to the public and press. So press your dress shorts, Viktor and scoop on an extra dollop of Dapper Dan, Joshua; you're about to be all up on a fangirl's iPhone.

They'll have one day. $500. Channel Paris Couture. And Lady Gaga has a new idea for her next public appearance. (Bryce, you should already be inspired. *Foreshadowinggggg*)

Annnd...It's a team challenge. So let's break out the dreaded velvet bag and discover the Island of Misfit Toys' fate.

*Bert and Viktor: The Un-Ambiguously Gay Duo.
*Joshua and Julie: The League of Extraordinary Gender Swappers
*Danielle and Cecilia: Team Melba Toast
*Anya and Oliver: The Too Distracted By Our Accents to Design Anything Twins
*Kimberly and Becky: Team Passive Aggression
*Anthony Ryan and Laura Katherine: The Southern Balls (My bad, "Ball")
*Bryce and Fallene: Team Anemia and Abhorrence aka Oops I Shit My Pants

Partners and cringes established, the kids are finally off to Mood. They're so excited to actually use real fabric that the trip's relatively uneventful. Except for...

Bum da da dummm--The return of Swatch the Wonder Dog. Missed you lil buddy!

As the lil duos get off to draping and pleating, I can't help but notice that we have some look a likes in the workroom. We've already established Joshua (who I've moved into the "I dig ya" category, because "You are [not] rockin' my nerrrrves.") as the Queen Mary version of Ryan Reynolds, but there are some less fortunate doppelgangers in the mix:

Miss Julie. You better start combing your hair and work a little eye liner into the mix because right now you're channeling Smeagol and Anna Nicole's Cousin Shelly's love child.

Bryce on the other hand hails from the BBC because he's actually Mr. Rumbold from Are You Being Served. (Find that long lost PBS station around 10pm on the weekends [guess it's too racy for prime time] and you'll see what I'm talking about.)

The workroom is so not a happy place this week. We needed to feng shui the manikins or burn some sage or something because man, were people in a mood. Bert is pretty atrocious (As are his tapestry fabric choices. Woof.), and being a little snot nose, know-it-all. "Marlene Dietrich never wore pants and you're thinking Queen Ann not Queen Elizabeth; what are you? A complete fucktard?" Wowza, Bert. How bout you take off the ass hat and pop on a cheery chapeau. Preesh, cranky pants. Cecilia works in a constant grimace. Kimberly and Becky just seem to scowl at each other. I think Kimberly doesn't dig Becky's jean jacket and Becky can feel her hatred. Finally, Bryce must've interned on a farm or something. Maybe he wrote his thesis on fibrous wheats, because he seems particularly concerned about grain for some reason. Get the kid a box of Kix. One bowl comes with two servings of whole grains. Will that make you feel better? On a serious note, Fallene is self-taught, which means she cut her fabric off grain, essentially raping it in front of all the designers causing it to fall funkily and feel a world of shame. Grain. Grain, motherfuckin grain. Off grain. Fallene responds by being a big, big weepy squishy face, scraps her top, let's Bryce make a tube top (two words that should have no place on Project Runway), makes a hat and cries some more. There. Now you're all caught up.

It's time for the runway show folks. The special stilt walker models get Garnier'd and TRESemme'd and the whole motley crew head down to the docks to strut their stuff. (And Fallene cries some more.)

And I've gotta confess: I couldn't really form a reaction to any of the outfits because, um, all of the models look and walk as if they've shit themselves. I find it off-putting and distracting.

We Have Accents and Immunity. Send Us To the Waiting Room

Anya and Oliver: There's really not much to say, is there? It's a dingy nightgown and patchwork vest. Whatevs.

*Heads* Above the Rest (Get it? Because they're on stilts.)

Kimberly and Becky: Would it be off color to make a cerebral palsy joke about the model right here? Thought so. Ok, I'll just say this: The model's gate and Geri Jewell's have a few distinct similarities. Ok, that's done. On to the outfit. Everything's well-tailored and executed. Becky's pop-of-color collar isn't a big hit, but that's nothing to really hate on. Safe. Proceed to the donuts and bottled water room.

Danielle and Cecilia: Oh good Lord. I was not OK with this. Congratulations on pleating three miles of chiffon in a day. It's very Joan "No Wire Hangers" Crawford on casual Friday. I'm sorry but the ass is Goldie-Hawn-Death-Becomes-Her-Frosting-Out-of-the-Can huge. The neck is bedazzled and the hair. Excuse me, BAH!, is absolutely tragic.

The Winners!--Anthony Ryan and LK: Definitely my pick for favorite too. Good job this week, judges! The color, the flow, the hot glued feather shoulder pads...All awesome. I hate that LK took the win, but Uniballer was a bona fide Southern gentleman and gave it to her on a silver stilt. And she didn't say anything offensive this week, so I guess the other double-named of the crew was a good influence on her.

Thar She Bloooows

Oh Josh and Julie...At least you gave the judges a chuckle, right? I must say, the most tragic part of the garment wasn't the Ringling Brothers pant, but the horrid, shiny dance wear tank top. I didn't even think Mood would carry that fabric. Good Lord at the shine. But really, all I could think while this was stomping down the runway:

(Except replace "head" with "legs.") You know you did, too.

Viktor and Bert: Um, Bertrude is an evil queen, and I don't know who he blew to get on Heidi's good side. (Seal? Did you get a kiss from a Rose?) Anyway the whole thing's a giant curtain with a gold mesh napkin tucked into the bust. Boo.

Bryce and Fallene: Gah, don't these two kids just look clammy? And let's face it: It's a giant storm cloud tutu on bottom and a tube top upstairs. It's the nothing. Like, Neverending Story-worthy the nothing. Yeah the headpiece adds something, but Fall...A headband does not a lifesaver make. You go home now.

And thank goodness. The little pixie I once dug is long gone. All that's left is a squish, squish, leaky, mushy face that I desperately want to scrub down. Fare thee well, Country Mouse Coming Off a Bender. We won't really miss you.

Y'all stay seated. It's all good.

Next week: Designing for Nina Garcia. Two words: Holy. Shit.

This is gonna be good.

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