Why is Barbra Wawa not going to do her pre-Oscar show anymore? If you want more time you should probably drop a project that, you know, actually takes time to do. Like the View. No one will miss it. I promise. Keep your one night a year gig!
Stephen Spielburg makes me cry. Or more appropriately his mother and how much he loves his mother makes me cry. If you watched the Oscars special you’d understand. I don’t even care what he did to Indiana Jones. All is forgiven.
What the eff, ABC. Kathy Ireland? Holy painfully awkward, Batman. I watch ABC red carpet coverage instead of TV Guide and E! to avoid interviewers like her and lo and behold you produce the worst one ever. Joey Fat-one could do better.
Why the eff were they there?
-Miley Cyrus (Um. You don’t even have a song nominated this year. Go home.)
-Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart (Seriously? Come on. Twilight is the last movie the Academy should be highlighting.)
-Zac Efron (Did 17 Again get an Oscar nod? Must’ve missed that one.)
-Jennifer Lopez and Mariah Carey (Seriously. How are Gigli and Glitter at all relevant to this event?)
Why the eff weren’t they there?
Brad Pitt and Angelina. Um, hi, Brad? You were in a nominated picture. One of your co-stars won. You need to be there. Loser. Hope you're having fun with your 27 kids.
The show’s about to start! Ok, first off Adam Shankman (hello, I love you and the night’s producer) promised to keep the show short this year. Someone’s a big fat liar. Who didn’t even try. And I know this because…
Pointless stuff that should have been cut:
Best Actor/Actress nominees on display: Was the Academy boasting that all the nominees were present and alive this year? Did you want to give their seat fillers an extra couple of bucks and pay them to be their escorts down the stairs as well? Who knows…I just know it took up a good five minutes of my time.
Horror tribute hour: First off it would have kept Taylor and Kristen at home for the evening. Secondly, Twilight, Young Frankenstein and Edward Scissorhands are not horror flicks. Yes, Twilight is in fact “horror”ible…but that’s another film category entirely. Keep them out of the montage. Third, um…Exorcist wasn’t the last horror movie to win any Oscars. Hello, Academy. Forget Silence of the Lambs? Pretty much swept the awards. And not exactly a comedy. Pretty sure this counts. Finally, even though Taylor said so horror is not the most popular genre. It might come in fourth after oh, I don’t know…Comedy. Drama. Action. Buh.
Best musical score dance tribute: Seriously Shankman? I know you’re a choreographer and God bless ya, I love you for it, but come on!!! Way too long. Irrelevant. Just kinda stupid.
As much as I love John Hughes…And I do. I really really do. That was the longest tribute ever. And I’m pretty sure the other dead people feel bad about themselves now because they only got about oh…three seconds of screen time. If they got any at all (ahem, Bea Arthur and Farrah Fawcett. I don’t care if they were mainly TV stars and their few movies include Mame and Man of the House. Show some respect.)
Exhausting short film and sound intros: Two of the most lackluster categories of the evening. It makes sense to spend half an hour on each category then, right? Oh m’gah make it go away. I should be respectful. Appreciate these guys. But come on. I know in a few years they’re both going to be moved to the pre-Oscars techie Oscars show. I mean, do you see how far away they seat these people? They lose half of their speech time rappelling down from the balcony. Cut the crap and just chunk them their award out of one of those t-shirt guns.
As far as the actual awards:
I love that we’re starting the show off with a musical number! (I mean, really-Is there any better way to do it?) And you can’t go wrong with NPH. Especially when NPH comes in a sparkle tuxedo that would make Liberace say, “That might be a little much.” Sadly, I don’t really remember it. I’m still singing, “The Reader. I haven’t seeeeen the Reader. Went down to the theater but there was a line, of all the people watching Iron Man a second time. The Reader,” in my head a year later so…Yeah. Retention is possible.
Steve and Alec aren’t that funny. Boo. There are moments of funny, but with two (count em, two) hosts, that on their own should be funny, “moments of funny” just doesn’t cut it.
…I was right!! Yes, I guessed the most obvious winners of the night (i.e. Monique, Christoph Waltz, Jeff Bridges and Up). Eh, whatev. It makes me feel special when I’m right. Even if pretty much every one watching was right too…
The documentary short winner totally got Kanyed by some bitch even less coherent than Kanye. Poor fella.
Best Presenters: Tina Fey & Robert Downey Jr., Steve Carrell & Cameron Diaz, Ben Stiller
Most Awkward Presenters: Miley Cyrus and Amanda Seyfried, Penelope Cruz (bless her, she still doesn’t have the English down yet. But she does have Javier Bardem so…Still a winner.), Anna Kendrick & Zac Efron and Tyler Perry
The Oscars hate dolphins. But I hate gratuitous “text for money” banners at AWARDS SHOWS. So I call it a draw. Gratuitous give us money pleas are what acceptance speeches are for. Use them in that manner.
Ellie badge buttons make me cry. I’m still very sensitive thanks to Spielburg and John Hughes.
I wish I could type how Jeff Bridges says “man.” I guess the closest would be “maenuh.” Regardless, that’s how I’m gonna say it from now on.
Despite my love of Meryl, Sandra wins best actress. Enjoy it hun because I bet it won’t happen again, you will however make 17 more movies that I’ll probably love though.
The biggest eff you of the evening goes to Avatar. Because of Sister I won’t elaborate, run around singing “nanny nanny boo boo!” or even say, “Bah ha!! Guess it does still take good writing and acting to win an Oscar. Boo yah!” Nope. I won’t do any of that at all. Heh, heh, heh…Go speak Na’vi to someone who cares Jimmy.
And poor Kathryn Bigelow. First woman director to win an Oscar. Tiny distribution movie taking home the grand prize. And you show up in a horrid bridesmaid gown. Oh whatev, you know she’s too happy to care.
Overall, happy-tired-bored-content-relieved. That’s pretty much how it went.
I still wanted Basterds to win…
At least it wasn’t Avatar.