Lesson Learned.

A few weeks ago I wrote on the phenomenon that is Lady Gaga. I considered making her a part of my life, or at least a part of my musical lineup. I mean, even the broadway collection has to take a break sometime, right? (Enough with the musical theater. You wish you had song and dance talent. Now you're overcompensating. We get it.) Anywho...I changed my mind. Yeah, yeah, Gaga represents good things like creativity and equality, but you know what else she's come to represent? Ridiculousness.

I present to you, the Telephone video:

If you're not one of the oh, 18 million people who have seen this already, take a gander because I'm about to host a snark-a-palooza that requires about nine minutes and 32 seconds of research.

First off, I watched this video of my own accord with zero intentions of disliking. Just call me, Tabula Rasa, my friend. Gaga effed this one up all on her own. (Well, on her, Beyonce, Tyrese Gibson and Jonas Akerlund's own)

And so:

10 Lessons Learned from Gaga's Telephone

1. Lady Gaga does not have a penis. Really, she doesn't. She's going to prove it to all of us with full-on-crotch-shot-can't-be-shown-before-9pm-look-at-my-vagina-galore. We get it. You're not packin. No Crying Game featuring LG in our future.

2. Honey Buns are now dirty things. I've never felt more uncomfortable watching someone eat a breakfast pastry as in this video. Buuhh.

3. LG doesn't listen to her songs before she makes videos. In interviews she's said that she wanted to create a video that is a commentary "on being overfed communication, advertisements and food in this country." Seriously? The song's about being out at the club, "sippin that bub" and not wanting to take her baby's calls. That's it. Subtext on society? You're dancing and don't want to answer your phone. That's the subtext.

4. If you want a video with a message, write a song with a message. Interpretation sucks ass. And having to explain interpretation sucks even more.

5. Sponsors (be them paid or unpaid) should sooo not be excited to be in this video. Straight from Gaga herself, "By the end of the video, it became so much more as we explored each scene it became about transsexual women and it became about making fun of American hallmarks like soda cans and cigarettes and mayonnaise and bread." Nice run-on sentence, Gaga... But more importantly, Wonderbread, Miracle Whip, Virgin Mobile, Diet Coke and PlentyofFish.com, hope you didn't pay much for that screen time because Gaga was making fun of you. She said it, not me.

6. Gaga will never be considered a "musician gone actress."

7. Beyonce should never have been a "musician gone actress."

8. Gaga kills people for no good reason. Ok, in Paparazzi she killed Skarsgard (uncool), but he did push her off a balcony, so...Fine. She and Beyonce kill Tyrese because he smacks waitress's asses, and is kind of a dick. But you could just break up with him, so...Kind of uncalled for. Then they poison everyone and dance around in red, white and blue. Is this the new American way? If so, I'm moving to Canada. They only have Alanis Morissette to deal with and she hasn't even been relevant since 2002. Much safer environment.

9. Even with a hell of a lot of money and only nine minutes of screen time there are plot holes. Seriously? Why is Beyonce in a hotel room by herself screaming into the phone? Thought this song was about not answering the phone...Just sayin. Plus, why is she there? I'm pretty sure anyone with outfits like Beyonce's character would not live in a room with cement walls. Come on.

And then there's Gaga dancing in a Shania Twain inspired leopard ensemble in the dead of night. Um. A. Where'd Beyonce go? She in the bathroom during this portion of the trip? B. The "story" never made it to nighttime. When is this happening? Come on, Gaga. If you're gonna be weird you at least have to explain yourself.

10. Lady G don't drive. What is this, Driving Miss Gaga? Beyonce spent the whole video carting her ass around. Wonder if she had to ask permission to go make water during the shooting...

And there it is. Rant complete. Served with a side of, let's face it, the truth.