Friday, September 24, 2010

Well...Swatch Looked Good

Oh dear-hearts, what is this show coming to? First of all, the producers totally screwed up the timing of the episode because apparently it was Halloween on Project Runway this week.

Gretchen came as Pippi Longsucking

Andy showed up as Mulan.

And Mondo dressed as a six-year-old lesbian.

Oh, and Swatch came to the party disguised as adorable num nums.

But seriously…Back to the show. We have a crazy unique challenge to unfold (*cough*yeahright*cough*). Collier Strong is in the workroom and that can only mean one thing: L’Oreal has new eyeshadow to peddle and this is where that nifty makeup room gets paid for. Hey, 90 minute commercials cost a lot, yo. Each designer has to pick a type of shadow finish, design a “high fashion” look based on that finish (Time out: You’re on a design show. Do you really ever want to produce anything that’s low fashion? Or moderate fashion? Just sayin… Time in.), and the winner will have their design featured in a L’Oreal advertorial (Ad speak for “having to pay for a story to be published in a magazine because the pub won’t actually write an article about you based on their own free will.”) and $20,000. Now, the cash is nice. Winner, winner.

We come to find that all the designers are poor (Um, surprise surprise?). Gretchen has collection agents hounding her. Maybe she should stop buying python leggings. That would save some cash.

April just wants a little pony. God, I love her more and more each episode.

Anyway, the designers pick their eyeshadow inspiration and that’s the last time that choice is relevant or referred to for the rest of the competition.

Mondo and Ivy go for “bright.” Christopher and Valerie opt for “crystal.” April wants “matte” (and a little pony). Michael (aw. “Just Michael”.) and Andy pick “metallic,” and Gretchen is the lone designer to fall for “velvet.” They've got two days (TWO DAYS!) to make it happen. Then the Lord of Textiles declared his mignons go forth and make shit. And it was done. And it was shitorious.

With $300 bucks in hand, the designers storm Mood in search of their vessels of couture horror. Ivy has actually decided to use color. *Gasp* Well clutch my pearls...But she's worried about it. Because it's not the hue of margarine. Ugh. Valerie has chosen silk. But. "Silk is hard. Cutting silk is hard. Everything with silk is hard." And all I can think is..."I keep taking the test over and over again. But I'm all like, this is hard?"

Sir Duke of Windsor Knots and Magniloquent Vocabulary enters the workroom and...Is it just me or was it a whirlwind critique? I didn't pick up on too much. Valerie's was "ambitious." He told Mondo to "go big." Andy had a talking head over April's Tim Time, so I don't know what was said about hers. Gretchen's caftan (Who wants to wear a caftan anyway? Do you also have 18 cats and house shoes to go with that massive mistake?) looks like a robe. Because it is.

But it doesn't really matter if Sir Gunn's critiques were quick this week because I got to see this:

The "I think your lackluster dress-made-of-waves story is full of horse shit, Ivy" Stink Eye. *Swoon*

It seems just as Tim left the room he returned; He has an annoucement that has even taken him aback. Uh-uh-uh there's a twist?? Who'da thunk it. Of course there's gonna be a twist. Have they seen this show before? In addition to their high fashion look, they most also provide a corresponding ready to wear piece. (Hey, Project Runway. Christian Siriano called. He wants his season back.) I mean really...They should have been ready for this all along.

In the midst of the mouths-agaped-workroom-crisis, Valerie has a meltdown. Her dresses suck. The waterworks kick in. She escapes to bathroom. Wah, wah, wah. She's gotta put on her big girl pants or I'm gonn sock her in the mouth.

Anway, whether the designers like it or not, runway day is upon them and it's time for the weekly parade of crap. And oh, it is indeed spectacular this week.

But first. Um. Andy? What troll at Garnier gave you stick-in hair extensions? Between that and the gloves he looks like Michael Jackson meets Asian Reporter Tricia Takanawa meets Boy George meets Avatar.

Tell me it's not true. No, seriously. Try. Ya can't, can you? Told you so.

Alrighty enough jibber jabber. On to the runway.

The Forgotten


Oh good God. So so many things ran through my head as this aberration came down the runway. Ballerina! Ice dancer! Toilet paper! Kleenex coozie! It's nothing but a swaddled, horrific disaster. The R2W is a nothing sort of a dress. It's channeling Ivy. It might as well not exist. This should have been bottom-bound and I'll fist fight with anyone who disagrees.


I actually really liked April's dresses this week. I would have liked them a lot more had I not already seen them in six other challenges, but whatever. I mean, is that R2W look not an exact replica of last week's dress? The answer, in case you're searching for it, is yes. April, you shall be deemed to mediocre-hood if you don't branch out, and you better do it soon.

The Lowly Bottomfeeders

Yikes. It's just sad. And boring. And derivative. And boring. Plus, um. How are these two looks at all related? They look like they wouldn't even come in the same Sear's line. You have some major ground to cover next week, Val, because after the past two catastrophes and your wimpy reality show martyr speech, I'm *this* close to being A OK with you going home.

Just Michael

That hem. And that train. Are. Wack-a-doo. The rest isn't that bad. They're both well made, and he actually stuck to his "metallic" theme. Oh, and his R2W dress is pretty cute. Heidi's critique of the R2W was that you can't have both legs and boobs. She doesn't know where to look. You must pick one as to not confuse her eyes. Heids...You are not allowed to speak.

What up Legs-Boobs McGee.

The Contenders


Shut your face. It is dumpy and once again, offensive. To. My. Eyes. She looks like a flapper grandma. And her ready to wear is not at all related to the high fashion piece. Ugh. She has designed for Maude. Loathe.


It's as if his model has walked through a minefield of Chinese lanterns. His boots have flippers.

Um, he just stole one of April's dresses for his ready to wear. What of it?

Winner, Winner. So Nice They Named it Twice


Look at you, Like-a-Monkey Mondo taking home a second win! I'll say somthing about Mondo. His stuff always looks a little wacky. But I like it. The wack works. Oh, and it looks like Phillip Treacy isn't the only one who can make a hat. Although, I will say there is no forgiving that black panel in his high fashion look. It's too short and sloppy looking. But his R2W is adorable. Love. Again, this was an obvious win. You enjoy that $20,014 in your bank account, buddy!

The Cancelled

Bah ha! YES! Looks like the Ivy Show could only make it through half a season. Hope you and your ill-fitting-awkward-bust-line bridal wear like the taste of defeat. I'm not even going to elaborate. I'm just going to sit back and bask in the fact that PR is one wench down. Only one more to go. We shall prevail!

I hope April gets her little pony.

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