Friday, September 17, 2010

If Jackie O came back as a tranny...

...She’d totally be all up in this cluster of a runway. Holy moly. Well, let us begin where all past tragedies have begun: At the beginning. In the Atlas apartments…

The morning wake up routine ensues. Michael C is still talking. Andy is still bored. Once again, he does not live up to his hairstyle. The chicks want more boys to go home. Annnnd scene. Let’s go meet Heidi!

Mrs. Seal has all the designers arrange themselves in folding chairs, commands their utmost attention, and promptly dismisses them. Wait, what? “Hello designers. You have a challenge. Tim will tell you about it. Thanks for letting me waste your time. Goodbye. No seriously, get the hell off my runway.” No model swapping. No hints. No flower girl dresses or car parts waiting in the wings. Nothing. And you wonder why you don’t win the Best Host Emmy. Fore shame, Klum...

Anyway, after the commercial break the Grand Poobah of Smoking Jackets and Hard Candies fills them in on their actual challenge. Design American sportswear inspired by the ever-classic Jackie Kennedy Onassis. Ooooo. It’s bout to get classy up in here, dawg. Maybe. BUT. It’s another one day challenge. Actually, not even: They have until midnight. With a trip to Mood and Chinese craft service dinner thrown into the mix. They’ll have 8 hours if they’re lucky. Boo. Boo hiss boo. Anyway off to Mood.

Ivy loads her gangly, peckish arms with white and black fabric (surprise, effin surprise); Mondo’s talking to fabric again (Looks like we’ve found the John Nash of fashion); No Swatch the Mood dog. Downtrodden :(

Back in the workroom Michael C confuses Jackie O with his bubbe. His interpretation will not only wear giant sunglasses but also stuff you with gefilte fish and matzah balls.


Somebody's mental for Yentl.
I wanna be Jewish a lil bit.
Ok, maybe I just wanna be fluent in Yiddish. Is that too much to ask?

Anywho, just as I catch a glimpse of a black shroud on April’s dress form (Blast, you woman! But you do go on to call Andy’s pants saggy saddle bags that go right up her ass. Oh, I just can’t stay mad at you.), Tim saunters into the room to spread wisdom, vocabulary lessons and Broadway references. Quick recap:

*Valerie—Admits old fartatude, but still thinks your legging pant will be vulgar.
*Michael D—Annie Get Your Gunn (Get it? Tim. Tim Gunn. Hrmph.)
*Christopher—Blasé.
*Andy—Camel toe (YES! Screw Chicken Soup for the Soul. All I need to perk me up is to hear Lord I Hate Anna Wintour say “camel toe.” My cup runneth over).

After the check up, I know April and Gretchen will be safe because they got zero screen time. And I know Gretchen’ll be pissed. Because, well, she’s Gretchen. And I have a feeling Michael D is gonna be in trouble because he’s gotten all the best quips:

“I don’t know whether she’s gonna harvest wheat or smack me with it.”
“If you took Jackie Kennedy to the desert and gave her some mescaline to eat, then you would have Jackie Kennedy and Mondo.”
“I’m designing sportswear for the first American. The Puritan.”

And I know the instant I start to love someone, they are about to be taken away from me. Maybe I should start liking Ivy…Yikes. Nope. Not gonna happen. Designers sew, sew, sew and then Valerie chirps up. What on earth could she want to quack about? Michael C. We have gone a whole seven minutes without bringing him up, so yes, yes let’s hear what you’ve got. Val doesn’t know who MC is. I don’t know his aesthetic (they’re making me hate that word. That and “skill set.” Shudder.) Val also thinks his dress is looking very Donna Karan. SQREEECHHH. That’s me hitting the brakes. Wha? First he can’t sew. And now he can sew. But-but his stuff looks like a Donna Karan. Give. Me. A. Break. Shut your gob. Win your own challenge.

Uncle Timothy instantly deflates my tude by strutting into the workroom looking nothing but dapper in his seersucker and Easter plaid tie. And the cherry on top…This is officially a two-day challenge!! It’s finally happened. They’re heading back to Mood to prep for making an outerwear piece to go with their Jackie-O-buddy-that’s-a-lot-of-ugly creations. (Time out: Think the judges saw the dailies and went, “Good God what a train wreck. Think we can just make them cover it up.”? I vote: Plausible. Time in.)

Mood Take 2: Christopher heads straight for the dead animal section. Woof. Ah, but there’s Swatch! Hooray for his valiant return. Ivy grabs some dirty grey organza. Blargh. Back in the workroom Christopher gives his wrap a buzz cut and Valerie makes a jacket to put over her jacket. No bueno.

Let’s go ahead and get to the Parade of Unfortunates, err, I mean the runway. Vamanos!

SQREECHH Part Deux: Mondo. Whatcha wearin buddy? It's ventriloquist dummy meets mime meets street performer monkey meets a gothic yodel-odel-odeler. Wack-a-doooo.


Um, yeah. Back to the runway. January Jones is guest judge. Because she obviously makes good fashion choices... (And they really don't reference Mad Men style at all? Really? Is that in her contract or something?) Whatevs, to me, she'll always just be the chick that can't afford pajamas from Love Actually.


And just one more thing. A precursor, if you will: Anybody remember this little outfit from season three? They designed with inspiration from a fashion icon. Michael made the killer Pam Grier short shorts? Kayne made the modern slinky Marilyn Monroe? And lil Mattel-designing Robert came this close to being auff'd with his Jackie O reimagination? Yeah. Pretty sure this would've been in the top this last week. Yeah. Ok, on with the show!


The Not as Horrid as the Most Horrid


Gretchen
Guess who offended my eyes again? What the hell happened after the first two episodes? What we have here is something lumpy and sloppy and brrooowwn. Give up on Team Luxe; like "fetch," camel is never going to happen, Gretchen. Go peddle your Pocahontas jacket somewhere else, kid.


Michael C
Apparently Michael thought it would be a good idea to design a cocktail dress for a sportswear challenge and pair it with a dingy denim wrap sweater. I got nothin. Not a thing to say.


April
Absolutely nothing about this says sportswear or Jackie O. It says, "April likes to design it tight and black. And methinks Mrs. Kennedy needs a pre-coitus Blanche Devereaux bedroom jacket. Holla."

The "Top"


Ivy
Gag me. No seriously. Gag me. Think the pants are huge and the jacket is dingy. The giant sunglasses are a Jackie cop out and yeah. This kid can say it better than me:


You're tacky and I hate you.
Suck it.
Ok, I added that last little bit on my own...


Christopher
It's a lovely little cocktail dress. The color's close to dirty dishwater, but when someone other than Ivy designs with it, I hate it a little less. The "wrap," however, might as well be a down comforter thrown around her shoulders. It looks cheap and strange and ridiculous. So, yeah. It's hit and miss: But this just goes to show: the original outfit and the outerwear piece are so not weighted equally. Even though they got the same amount of time and money for each. Will reference this again soon. Just let that stew for a few. You'll know what I'm gonna say.

The Tragic


Valerie
I mean. In all seriousness. Did she think she could get away with a lycra tube skirt? I cringe to say it, but good Lord, a legging would have been better. It's just a depressing kind of outfit. And I do love Nina calling her (and muchos of the other designers) out. "Extraneous zippers and pleating do not fashion make." I, like Tom and Lorenzo, can't stand to see one more butt zipper. Maybe that'll nip em in the bud, so to speak.


Andy
Um. Come on. This? This is supposed to be for Jackie? You think that woman would wear your ill-fitting parachute pants and butter churning boots? No amount of Foster Grants and Hermes scarves could make that Jackie chic, and we all know it. You and your 'hawk should've been outta here, mister. Then Michael C could move to the other apartment and maybe have someone talk to him. Appalled.

The Best of the Worst


Mondo
Well folks, funny-like-a-monkey finally takes home a win. Sister and I have debated this, but I think we finally came to an understanding. Yes, the prints are juxtapowacky. Yeah, the pieces individually are kinda simple. BUT. They're each extremely well made, and I could picture a modern-day Jackie putting this together when she's feeling a little kitschy. And, much like the designers and their shoe selection this season, the judges were literally pulling the best from a basket of crap this week. In the end, I like it. Is it the best there could be? No. Is it the best of the group? Clearly, yes.

The "Worst" (*cough*bullshit*cough*)


Michael D
Oh, Mylanta, this makes me sad. Ok, so the skirt is not flattering. Accordion pleating and Pilgrim grey. Not a good combo. It makes her look wide, and the top is kind of a throw away. But. The jacket. It's pretty adorable. (You see where I'm goin with this? You following me camera guy?) It's cute. Very Chanel. Very Jackie. How is it that Christopher can get in the top with a good dress and a horrid outerwear and Michael D can go home with a bad dress and a pretty kickin outerwear? Something has gone awry on Project Runway, and I. Don't. Like it. Andy, you bore, this. Should. Be. You. I shall miss your quips and adorable self-degradation, sir. Lurv.

4 comments:

Katie said...

Worst runway I've seen in a long time. Jackie would be so disappointed. But as always, a fabulous critique. I figure the only reason they kept Andy is because they knew they robbed him last week. That's all I can figure because those pants are offensive to my eyes.

Jennifer Eolin is The New Old Biddy said...

HAHAHHAHAA! Brilliant. Thank you! :)

Ana said...

I just found your blog via Southern in the City and I feel as though we are kindred internal dialog spirits....L-O-V-E love this post!

Mellie said...

Sister, it was indeed quite the crapfest. Yikes.

Danke, Biddy! I do what I can to entertain :)

Welcome aboard to the Snark Wagon, Ana-Hope you enjoy your stay!