Found my solution:
The terrified tourist’s money belt.
Not only is it a godsend for the paranoid traveler with an obsessive need to keep hand-on-cash-and-passport at all times, it’s the perfect fit for my iPod, phone and set of keys. Plus, it sits flat under my workout shirt without an awkward tumoric lump. Winner. Granted, I still can’t carry an umbrella, but ya know what? If I get caught in a rainstorm I’ll just run for it. For like 45 seconds. Then I’ll huff and puff it back to my house drenched. It’s fine.
Sidenote: I’ve walked at least two miles for the last 14 of 15 days. Winner numero dos. Now, to some that may not seem like a big deal, but, um. I’m lazy. And am quite often, “le tired.” And like naps, so… That’s what we call success, my friends.
P.S. Know how many fanny packs are featured in Diane Von Furstenberg’s Spring collection? FOUR. Cuatro. Un less than cinq. Craziness.