Sunday, September 5, 2010

The Bridesmaid of Frankenstein

Another week, another runway chock full of hot messes. And what did the producers pull from their wheelhouse this week? The re-purposing challenge. What all have they done before? Weight loss, wedding dress, designer’s own clothes, the designer next to them’s own clothes…Guess it was time the dreaded bridesmaid dress made it into the mix. Although, if I may say so…none of the dresses screamed bridesmaid. All I heard were wails of cheap, late 90s prom dresses. But to each his own. In the end, each designer must rip these unnatural fabrics at the seams and reconstruct a monster of a dress that Mary Shelley (or at least Michael Kors) would be proud of.

Blossom and Rosie the Riveter join the wacky cast of characters this week and the divvying up of polysatin blend begins.

The immunity-clad Casanova could care less about the fabric. He goes for the hot chick. It's long and blue. Like it even matters.

Andy opts for the short periwinkle bossom bow number.

April chooses the silver pleated monstrosity that seemed perfectly suitable for the nuptuals of Rosie of the Jetsons to Tin Man of the Oz.

Valerie: Jolly Rancher. Watermelon. Abrassive.

Poor little Mondo is hoodwinked and picks the pepto pink floor-length number with a surprise, lace up skunk stripe down the back. Oh that look of realization and disgust was just priceless.

Michael C gets the black and white, floor length with cubic zirconia hip starburst. Popular across Dillard’s and winter formals circa 2001.

Gretchen: Something maroon and brocade

Christopher's original blue and shiny model drops out and ends up with long and mossy. But the new model is hotter so...I'm sure that's not why he ends up in the top at all.

Ivy picks the white one. Of course. Think she’s fabrically racist. If there was any challenge to expand her color palate, this was it. (Sidenote: Who in the world has white bridesmaids dresses? David’s Bridal wouldn’t even carry those based solely on principle.)

Peach: Tea length and sea foam green. A glorious combination.

Michael D gets the "one pair of gloves away from Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend" pink ensemble.

The workroom is relatively calm...I really wish one of the designers would perfect a Tim Gunn impression or steal someone's chiffon or ruin their dress with a steamer...After last week, I need some drama. You can't just introduce something that wonderful and take it away. Gretchen, you couldn't even throw a hissy fit during your Tim critique? You're just going to accept his compliment toward your ombre work and that's it? Boring. So anyway, people work on their dresses and talk about how crappy Michael C is. The end.

We shake up the runway by adding in a designer's showcase before going before the judges. Instead they're gonna be judged by real people. Like me. Winner. Quick recap: Mondo is relatively non-anti-social. Michael D gets one button. Ivy only get like four buttons so she claims Michael C is telling everyone that she's a bitch (Um, dur da dur, you are). Gretchen's outfit has major side boob issues. And she's wearing a denim boustier dress. And should be put down.

Real runway day comes, and we find our little Mondo got the most buttons at the showcase. Way to go funny-like-a-monkey Mondo! Ok, let's get it started:

The Safe, Ignored and Delusional


Oh dear Lord. That pant is tragic. What have you created? A white tuxedo legging. You go sit in the corner and be ashamed now. And I'm sorry, but I've seen far too many tops this season whose shape is created by a belt, and enough is enough. Without it, it'd be the top of a muumuu and that should be acknowledged.


I. I just. I just don't get it. It's a wonky tank top over a shortened version of her bridesmaid dress. It's offensive to my eyes and I don't appreciate it. By the way, what did she do to deserve to call her mommy via Oprah's plasma screen video phone? Grr.


Ew. What a horrid horrid pant. It's like she plays on Little Bo Peep Show's rec softball team. I actually think the top is a winner, but the shoe's atrocious. Piperlime, I do not trust your footwear. Not one little bit.


I actually enjoyed our little April this week. Maybe because she literally let her hair down. Maybe because she didn't take any crap from her model...And I'll say it, had she used more of the original dress, I think she could've gotten herself a place in the top this week


Andy dyed his dress and made hot pants. Totally belongs in the middle.

Let me just say the middle of the road kids this week are a bunch of snotty pants. Ivy, you have no right to be offended by judge's choices. You've never won. Nor come close. Gretchen, you made a tank top. Get over yourself.

The Always a Bridesmaids, Never a Brides


Eh. Not a fan of the half-drape-faux-bra. The bottom just isn't the right proportion. I just don't think there's too much special about it. Like I said. Eh.


AKA, who probably should have won. He did it. He made a cute dress with zero hint of bridesmaid. It's mod and cute. Give me a cardigan and I'd wear it in a heartbeat. The pony and curled bang though...Yikes.

By the Skin of Their Teeths...

Michael D

I mean, he literally used curtain fabric as an overlay. He had to know that couldn't be good. It's poofy and boobularly ill-fitting. Tim Gunn thought the top looked like a giant bra. You should listen more to Tim. And never touch mesquito netting ever again.


Oh poor little Val. Your campy monograms couldn't save this crazy, colorblocked, tennis dress. Seriously, hand her a visor and a racket and she's ready to take on the badmitton at the classiest of country clubs...Guess we all have our off weeks, and m'dear this was yours. Just don't do it again, ok?

Adieu, Adieu, to You and You and You

Oh, my dear little Peachykins...It just wasn't good, was it? When Tim winces at the mention of peplums it's for good reason. Because with them, you get Michael Kors talking about dinner napkins and avacado goiters. No bueno. But she was just the lovliest loser. I don't care if you wear toile pants or sweaters with teeny sunglasses embroidered on the chest. You shall forever be our Fairy Dragmother and we love you for it. Go Peaches

The Once Again Victorious

Michael C

And once again, I'm a might bit confused...Not that this dress didn't deserve to be in the top three. Not that he's not a good designer (Although according to the bottom/middle feeders, he's apparently paying one of the food service guys to do his sewing for him...Losers.). But I just think this is a little Working Girl. Tess so would have seduced Jack Trainer in this little number while "Let the River Run" is played on loop in the background. I guess it's a winner because obviously a lot of work went in to it and it was better styled than Mondo's. And maybe Kors and Klum wanna piss Gretchen and Ivy off. They need a nickname. Grivy? Ivchen? Bitches? Anyway, he probably shouldn't have won but he took the title wearing a killer "Thank You Mood" shirt that I totally want and it pissed pissy pants off, so...You enjoy it, kiddo.

Mondo, raincheck.

Until next week, when the gang hops on the Love Boat for a three-hour tour, I leave you in bated breath to guess which one will play Captain Stubing to another designer's Gilligan. Maybe the Harlem Globetrotters will show up. Should be awesome.


Jennifer Eolin is The New Old Biddy said...

Great re-cap!!!!!

Katie said...

Mondo was robbed! He so would have won if his model had had decent hair. But I'm fine with Michael C winning just to see the outrage on Ivy's face. Bah ha! Her fabrically racist it!