Friday, September 10, 2010

Oo-ee, oo-ee, baby. Won't you let me take you on a sea cruise?

I dedicate that golden oldie to my silver fox, Tim Gunn, Duke of Furrowed Brow and Werther's Originals. But before we get to see him shake out his mane, apply copious amounts of zinc oxide to the tip of his button nose and crawl into perfectly pressed linen board shorts (ah, to dream), we've got to sit through the "designers waking up routine"... Back to you in a few, Tim!

Michael C's still sad that no one congratulated his win, (Me too, sir!) and Andy doesn't care. This kid's got to grow a personality. A mohawk and inappropriately deep V tank does not interesting make. Just sayin. Since we had to say adieu to Peaches last week, April has to move into the other apartment with the clan of trolls. Sorry, Val. Troll by association. They don't trust her as a designer because of how young she is, blah, blah blah *cough Christian Sirano cough,* but whatevs. I'm distrated because I recognized that rug from Ikea. Now I want it even more because it's been on TV. Sister...Could ya pick that up for me, k thanks.

Time to meet Heidi on the runway! In genie pants. Huh? Is it Hammer Time? Are you too legit to quit? Who let this happen to you? I can't trust your judgement. She sends them off to Michael Kors' boat so he can peddle his new sunglasses, feed them blocks of cheese and slam down mimosas. Oh, and be inspired by the waves (and the booze) to design a resort wear outfit. Ah, something new. Mellie like.

By the way, jorts abound among these designers. Michael D's would make a Gator proud, but Mondo...There's just no excuse for that. Those not in their tweens are not allowed to shop in the tweener department. And if you have a penis, well, there's just no justifying those Miss-Terious daisy dukes you have there, sir.

As the designers are sketching/HPing away and scrambling for fabric, I start so hear some worrying things...April's talking about vacationing at an asylum; Mondo says "windbreaker" and "visor." Yikes; Ivy has once again run straight towards the Whites Only section of Mood for her ever-surprising fabric choices. But Swatch, the Mood mascot, is back and that makes me happy.

And then the tide turns. Oh, does it turn. Sir Tim pulls out the velvet bag and announces that he's about to go all Emeril on their asses and kick it up a notch. Now, they have to play designer AND sample maker. Oh, yes. The designers are put into pairs and each have to hand over their design to the other to complete its execution. Oh, how I love the new-ness of it all! Now if only it weren't a one-day-challenge. Grr. Anyway, the pairs break out as such:

Gretchen and Casanova
Valerie and Andy
April and Christopher
Mondo and Michael C (Uhhhh. Booo. I don't waaant Michael C. Waaahh.)
Ivy and Michael D

Everyone seems to be relatively content. Except for two illustrious pairs: Ivy doesn't want to play with Michael D because she doesn't trust his capabilities or his aesthetic. (And I don't trust your scrunchy little stink eyes.) And Mondo got stuck with the short straw that is Michael C (Even though he's won two challenges. And has never been in the bottom. Except for a team challenge. One in which he provided for zero of the suckiness. Huh. Whadda ya know.), and seriously how did funny-like-a-monkey Mondo transition to an assholic fashion martyr so quickly? He's an angry elf...

Gretchen plays ESL instructor to dear dear Casanoooova, and we get the sound clip of the night from our Puerto Rican dear heart: "Gretchen makes me sketches * this * big. I have no problem with my eyes. I can see very well. Oh my gosh--she believe I’m a retard.”

So. Much. Love.

Ooo a special workroom treat. [Enter Michael Kors] I love him. And I love him haranguing the designers both on and off the runway. Casanova and Gretchen have been deemed Team Granny Pants. Nothing but "matronly" comments are coming from the Gunn-Kors duo. Although, my favorite critique moment came when Kors was at Ivy's station and literally pisses all over her design, he R Kelly's it, if you will. Oh, it was just glorious.

Ivy keeps: berating Michael D for not knowing her Parson's School of Design vernacular, passive aggressively teaching him how to top stitch, dumbing down her design so he can manage to construct it without the aid of Elmer's glue and duct tape...and sticking pins in her MD voo doo doll when he's not looking. MD's poor sensitive soul can feel her anger and frustration and calls himself a doo doo head.

Poor, little, 6-year-old, doo doo head in jorts.

After Michael C constructs Mondo's stupid lil windbreaker perfectly, Menudo realizes he's been a dick. I don't forgive him yet. That'll teach you from being a first class douche: you get scoffed at by amateur bloggers such as myself. Chew on that for a while, sir.

And now I declare it...Runway time!

The Unacknowledged

Took Michael's advice and stayed away from the cerulean top to avoid the color palatte he's come to hate so fiercely. I think the shorts are actually pretty adorable and really like the back of the top. Yeah, it makes her ass look a little wide, but if she vacations like I do, it's destined to look like that when she gets back anyway, so...Go on and embrace it.

Michael C
Woo. Didn't have to worry about winning this week and having the other designers loathe him further. That is one shiny, shiny jumpsuit. I couldn't even pull that off with the aid of a cardigan. But I guess you can get away with alot when you're on vacation so, safe it is.

Oh good God what a sack. The models boobs are literally floating around her midsection. Once again, Gretchen, your design has offended me. Woof.

Lovely top. Not much to report on the shorts. They're not denim, so I guess that's a step up. Casual. Cute. I like. Safe.

The Shipwrecks
Oh. Oh my. Major day-glo and looks more Barbie’s kid sister Kit spends a day by the wading pool than “resort wear.” This is not $150 worth of clothes. Not at all. At judge's table Mondo reminds us (for the second time this episode), that his resort wear is hanging out in his living room in his underwear. Buh, mental image, buh.

So, um. Ivy decided to design a nightgown this week in shades of grey. gtui049lskdj f*(ASFdlsf lsdfk )(* Oh, sorry about that. It's so. Fucking. Boring, that I fell asleep on my keyboard. My bad. She really is so horrid. Don't tell the judges this wasn't your fault. Your design. Your fault.

The Big Kahunas

Michael D
It's pretty. It's interesting. It's shiny linen. That's all I can really say on it with any authority. The judges went ape shit over it. All right...Whatever floats your boat, man.

Now this, my friends, is a winner. Should have been a winner. Only piece that was obviously resort wear. Perfectly executed and looked killer going down the runway. Boy don't have much of a personality but he was pretty much sucker punched for not winning.

The Victorious

Not that I didn't like hers...The psych ward beach party outfit actually turned out pretty well. I'm 100% on the top, but south of the border it turns lingerie. And this is not a lingerie challenge. And I'm sorry, there's more diaper with that bottom than those judges care to realize. Had they been not as high-waisted and there was maybe another layer of sheer...I think I'd feel better about it. But way to go, April. I'm starting to warm up to you after all.

Although, I would like her to take a break from the Black Panther Party and branch out to, I dunno, a color. Just once. Your model's getting depressed.

Adios Pobrecito...



I mean, come on. I thought it was kind of lovely. Granted, it's not really "resort wear," but this shouldn't have been the "send me home" outfit. The judges really have to lay off this whole, grandma thing. They apparently have different seniors in their lives, because my Pooh would never wear something with an open back. Honestly, Gretchen's burlap-grapefruit-in-the-knee-sock-boob jumpsuit deserved to be in the bottom more. And Mondo or Ivy should be going home. Take that back. Ivy should be going home. Because. She. Sucks.

And you know what, judges? You're not supposed to refer to past work, are you? ARE YOU? Then you shouldn't even be bringing up the belly dancer outfit, should you? No. You. Shouldn't. And if you are doing that, shouldn't you also throw out the fact that he won two short weeks ago? Yes. You. Should.

Hello, my name is grumpy pants.

Know what I think? This is what I think:

Take it. You take it and you like it.

Next week: Sir "Leggings are not pants" Gunn says, "Jackie Kennedy would not have camel toe." This is how Project Runway gets guaranteed ratings.


Katie said...

This recap was FANTASTIC! Seriously, I laughed out loud so many times. I think reading this was better than actually watching the show. You are amazing. I lurv.

Mrs. Apple said...

Mellie, that is hilarious!! I am thinking all of that when I watch the show, it is one of my favorites, and I 100% agree about Casanova, IVY SHOULD GO HOME!

Lacey said...

I have to agree with Katie, this might be better than watching the show. I literally laughed out loud so many times while reading this! I love it and love you!!

Mellie said...

Aw thanks, m'dears! This is why social media was created. So we could all be snarky towards and giggle at reality competition programming :)

Jennifer Eolin is The New Old Biddy said...


Remember to submit your recap to! :)

Mellie said...

Thanks so much, Original Biddy! I'll definitely check that out :)