This week the gang is in San Francisco, which everyone is referring to as the "city of love", the "most romantic place on earth", the "place where my heart is exploding with love for my Flannel-Endorsed Brawny Man". I don't get it. Last I checked, San Fran was the home of cable cars, sourdough bread, the gay rights movement and earthquakes. The "City of Love" is Paris. The "City of Dirt, Subways and Broadway" is New York, and the "City of Rice" is San Fran. Ok, so let's look to the movies for guidance. Coming to mind we've got the Bachelor (aka, "No the other Bachelor. The one with Chris O'Donnell. Yes, before he was Robin to LL Cool J's Batman). And I do believe he runs down the streets of San Fran to escape the clutches of hundreds of brides.
Oh. Yep. I'm right.
Well, that seems to be right on target for this show, isn't it producers? Yikes...
Ok, then we've got Milk. That was in SF. Oo could this be foreshadowing ABC? Is next season going to be Bachelor on Bachelor? I'd support. Yay for all love!
And then we've got Zodiac and Copycat. Those are about serial killers. Very romantic.
But wait! I totally forgot. Full House. DJ and Steve were the all-time greatest love story. Ok. I get it. San Fran, you are indeed the city o love.
This week Tenley gets the first one-on-one date, and I can't believe this will be their first date. How is that possible? I've already registered them at Baby Gap for the children they are bound to have. Ok, the date starts and I can't concentrate because holy turtleneck, Batman! Oh Jake. We don't do that. If you're cold, get a scarf or man-up, because that is not going to fly around here. So, I'm highly distracted and concerned because I can't see that Adam's apple of his, but I do know that these have got to be the whitest kids in Chinatown. Ever. All this time I'm just hoping and praying they'll run into "Me Love You Long Time" where hilarity will ensue, but...No luck.
Cut back to girls in the penthouse suite. Gotta love network programming. If this show were on Vh1, they'd make them stay in the RVs. Or a Holiday Inn Express, but I digress. Ali continues to steam and openly express her hatred for Vienna. We get it. You don't like her. No one does. Here's a medal. This chick has got to learn to just be passive aggressive. Active aggressive makes you look horrid. No one will wear their "Team Ali" shirts, and there's no way you'll get your own season of the Bachelorette, so calm it down!
Ok. Back to Mr. and Mrs. Brawny. It's dinner time and this is a first date. First date, people, and we're talking about divorce and new theories on marriage, how would you treat me as a husband... Um. Tough Love and Patti Stanger have taught me that these topics are first date no-nos. Oh the mixed messages!!! I guess everything's different on net TV. All in all, they should go ahead and call the game. Vanilla pudding for the win!
The two-for-one date is back this week and this time it's with Vienna (bluh bluh we hate you) and Gia. Before their slumber party castle date they get to play dress up. An entire trunk full of clothes is at their disposal and they pull out the most confusing ensembles ever. Ever. Gia continues the turtleneck trend of the episode (except hers is backless. A backless turtleneck. It just doesn't make sense. Like a stripper wearing a cardigan...Strange and not really acceptable.), and Vienna closed her eyes, reached in and grabbed a sequin tank, wool scarf and tight rolled jeans. I just. I. But. I don't...It just hurts a little. Ok, judgment complete (well, with the outfits anyway), on to the date!
In that huge castle they apparently don't have a table because the dynamic trio are sprawled out on the floor for dinner. I mean, yes, it's easier to snuggle when you're surrounded by pillows and soft-lighting, but it makes it somewhat difficult to eat. If it were me in the situation, just go ahead and give me a drop cloth, because I'm going to miss my mouth and get salmon all over our comforter. Hey, nothing says love like a giant bib. Anywho, Jake and Gia go off for some alone time. And call me crazy, but I like her! They chat about falling. Gia asks if it's ok to. Jake says hell yeah. Neck nuzzling ensues. Oh it makes me giggle. I love the nuzzling. It's like I'm watching Lion King all over again...
Vienna gets bored. She doesn't want Gia's salmon, she wants her man, so she takes a little walk around the castle to find and disrupt whatever is going on. Vienna, you are a pall over all that is good and nuzzled. Unfortunately for her she get lost and scared (bah ha!), so not only does she not break up the love fest, she makes herself look like a ratard. This trend continues as she makes her way down to Jake's room in the middle of the night in a desperate attempt to throw herself upon the unsuspecting, half nekkid (his word, not mine) Bach. He's a good boy and sends her back up to her room sans lovin. Heh heh. Take that Vienna. Hope you like the taste of rejection because you were just served a heaping pile of it.
The Other Sister managed to get some, and she was a ratard. A ratard. (Oh for the love of Juliette Lewis.)
Oh look! Corrie's still on the show! Yeah. Zero camera time so far this episode. I was wondering if Jake had gone ahead and booted her out too after the cameras stopped rolling last rose ceremony. She gets the crap, left over date. "Hey, let's go to the park. We can walk. We can get a row boat. No castle for you." In said row boat, we've constructed a scene straight out of Little Mermaid (apparently this was a Disney themed episode...). Water. Awkward silence. Bird squawking. No kiss. Oh my, what a trainwreck of an encounter. And then she throws out a Hitch reference. Corrie, I don't like you anymore.
Then they get to go to a museum and eat with the fish. Romance abounds... Corrie throws out the V card. The true reality dating gauntlet. Jake seems fine with it. He's a nice boy, I'm sure this isn't the first virgin he's come across. Jake's no amateur in the PG Rodeo.
So it's rose ceremony time again. Jake's having a hard time this week because he's really "fallen for all the girls." Sure you have, hun. But it serves you right. There's a reason why we don't knock out four girls in one show (aka last week). You keep some losers around as a buffer, so you don't have to make these hard decisions so early. Come on, Jake! Get with the program.
Anyway, the girls are all lined up and I'm just wondering where the hairstylist is hiding. There's no way those up-dos did themselves... Anyway, I'm half paying attention because I know exactly how this is going to go down. Tenley, come on down-do you really need to doubt yourself? Ali (oh yeah, Ali got to take Jake around her San Fran. He got her flowers, they brunched, she was "so excited!!!" and expressed that a lot, ran into the ocean in her boots, spun around, happy times) of course you get a rose. Get your ass down there. Gia you're next. Jake wouldn't have said fall if you couldn't fall. He's not that big of an ass. Finally...Yeah Vienna, you get one too. Jake wouldn't have showed you his boudoir if he was going to kick you to the curb. Corrie, you're out. And no, it's not because you played the V card; it just took you too long to get there. If you had, I don't know, done something radical like talk to the boy three episodes ago, you might be further along than you are now. And he'd like you more. Than Vienna. But not Tenley, Ali or Gia. Sorry. Those are the real contenders.
Corrie is sent away in her limo and we've got a case of drunk virgin in the back seat. Yikes, it kind of hurts to watch. And on that delicious note, we call it a week. Until next time (with Vienna's psycho dad [Yes!]), happy TV dreams to all!