Tuesday, February 23, 2010

On the Wings of Bull

So this was the big "Tell All" episode, folks. Apparently in the minds of ABC, "tell all" means catching up (aka watching the spread of venereal disease) with Bachelor alum, letting Mrs. Ray Ramono ramble like she always wanted, witness Rozlyn be incoherent and crabby and watching old footage. That's one thing I still don't understand with reunion shows. Why spend the first five segments catching us up on this season? The whole reason we're watching the reunion show is because we have in fact watched the whole season. The show is repetitive enough on its own. Were we to learn something from this little reminder? Tenley's divorced?? Ali left?? No one likes Vienna?? We do not need your clip show. We're good.

I paid very little attention to the first half hour because I haven't watched a full season of the Bachelor since Bob Guiney, and I didn't even keep up with that guy. Or buy his CD.

This is apparently available for a penny on Amazon. You could literally find enough money in the gutter to purchase this album. If it weren't for the postage, it might just be worth it...

Anyway, when all the old Bachelor/ettes aren't cruising (Time out: I don't know these people, but did I see an O'Connell? Like...Could be Jerry O'Connell's brother/cousin/stuntman. What the eff? And who's the chick that's crazy about bears? I don't like her. She's like an even creepier Vienna. Oh, and the one that's apparently the asshole of the crowd...the one with the girlfriend on Jillian's season? Did he say that since he was voted baddest-guy-on-reality-dating-shows-that-give-flowers-and-rings-instead-of-chains-and-crabs that the number of nipples in his dating life had increased? Nipples? Quoi? Such confusion and pain. Time in.), they are doing charity work. The working in the food bank is good. Yay you. But. Painting lifeguard stations? For Haiti? Really? That's...the best...you could come up with? Call me insensitive, but that's the equivalent of sending potted plants. Let's take care of making sure people have homes before we worry about landscaping, ok? If there are any Haitian beach parties planned in the near future, and this opinion derails the psychedelic lifeguard stand initiative, and thus the colorful ambiance, my apologies.

Finally, the ladies arrive to the party about 45 minutes into the show, (Fashionably late, much?) and I assumed we were going to get down to business. I assumed wrong. Three of the girls share stories of "inappropriate behavior" between Roz and the producer guy, which will all be repeated in half an hour when Rozlyn takes the hot seat. Note to producers (that aren't screwing contestants. Ooooo snap.), we don't need to hear these stories twice. Once will make plenty of impact. How about when you bring the accused out? She can be Hester Prynne. The bachelorettes, the angry townsmen. We'll brand her with a scarlet SFB (Slutty Fake Boobs) and be done with it. Oh well.

Bob Barker (eh, I mean, the host guy) tells Gia to come on dooowwn! Let's relive your broken heart, shall we? Not much to report. Her dress was crazy sparkled, and while I would look like a misshapen disco ball, I think she looked lovely. I'm on Team Lispy Gia. Screw you, Ali. Let her be the next
Bachelorette. She managed not to cry that much, and even though she said Bachelor was the best experience she ever had...Eh...I still like her. Bob B. told her it was "a pleasure doing business with [her]" (Seriously? No really, seriously?), and sent her on her way.

Then he might have well said, "And now the girl that should have been in the final three, come and join us dear, dear Ali." Ali, I hate you and your sack dress and your sad attempt to make up for being a "blunt," sloppy, whiney,
douchbagette. I don't care about the things you say. Did you really think Jake would come fly after you? This is not real life, met at a bar, had a few dates, make a grand gesture scenario. He's contractually obligated to a be on a TV show. You are not that special. However, you are in fact, a ratard.

Absolutely no opinions of women were changed this episode. Ashleigh's still mostly drunk and slutty. Mrs. Ray Ramano is just as irrelevant as she was on the show, except now with more screen time (she didn't shut up, did she?). Elizabeth aka "You know you wanna make out with my forehead all night" still sucks. Not so much a big surprise that was your "strategy." If this show were Survivor you'd never make it to the casting call, much less the island, with a plan like that. Michelle is still unbalanced, but she is right: Falling in love on TV is not the ideal, and doesn't exactly have the greatest success rate (Shut it, Ali! No one was talking to you!). Corrie and Channy...Yeah. Guess who got zero screen time? Well, I take that back. I think they both got awkward looks to the camera but zero talking. Everyone else, congratulations! You've been deemed highly forgettable and can go on leading regular lives.

I'm not even going to go into the Rozlyn segment. She was just catty, rude and full of poo. Hate chu. And we get no real answers. No video, pictures, confession, producer's n
ame to Google, nothin. Boring. But did her walk in not look like she was being escorted on to Jerry Springer? Heh, heh. I got a good giggle out of that one.

Kind of surprised she didn't flash the audience in response to the incessant boos, shouting, "Wha? Wha? Wha? You know you like it!! I don't need you!"
Totally watched that show too much.
Am trash by association.

Jake the Bach makes an appearance to be sickly vague (i.e. "My heart cries..." Puss.) Does he really need to be there? He obviously doesn't want to because he just threw on a blazer over his sweatsuit. I mean, come on. If you're gonna wear a suit, don't you dare go all Miami Vice in winter with a sweatshirt under your jacket. You wear a starched collar shirt, and you like it! If host man can wear cufflinks, so can you! Jake says nothing of any real importance and I could feel the end getting closer and closer...

Finally we get to the blooper reel, which is actually pretty funny. If the producers had any smarts, they'd incorporate that kind of thing into the actual show, because there was more entertainment in that three minutes th
an the whole of the entire season. Except for Corrie farting on the RV. Bless her. Now she's just gonna be known as the gassy, virgin reject. What a way to go.

In the end, I care about these people even less. I think Tenley and Vienna are more ridiculous than I thought they were before (I guess that flashback footage was good for something...), and feel kinda sorry that Jake has to pretend to marry one of them. And I feel sorry for whoever Jake's sister gives the stink eye next week. Whoo! That's potent. Until next week, I wish you peace, love and trashy TV.

1 comment:

Lacey said...

This is absolutely HILARIOUS!!!! I can't wait for the FINALE tonight!!!

btw I'm getting the Bob Guiney CD for you for christmas next year... didn't even know he had one... but you must have one! haha