Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I hate this show.

I really really really really do. Why, dear Lord did I get myself mixed up in this crowd? I was always a good kid. When did I stray to the dark side?

Was this episode not extra painful to watch? I actually feel bad about my snarky judgments. It's like if the Soup were to make fun of the Special Olympics...But civilities be damned! Let's get down to business.

We're in St. Lucia (and I knew I was right about that horrible choker last week!)...

What's the big deal? Why does the Biddy keep raggin on my choker. My neck missed the companionship of its former turtleneck, and as we all know, the dude abides. And I'm a dude. Because I've got this rad choker.

...and apparently no
w this is the ideal place to fall in love. Funny. Two weeks ago that was San Francisco. Make up your minds people! How many times and how many places can you fall in love? With the same person? This is not a Woody Allen film. This is a TV dating show. Your emotions are vapid, at best, so at least try to remember if you've already fallen in love or not, ok? Thanks, bye.

Despite Ali leaving last week, we still can't get rid of her. She just ke
eps poppin' back up. From hence forth, she shall be known as "The Herp." Wah, wah, blub, blub...I made the wrong decision. Squishy face herp sad now. Suck it, Herp.

Gia gets the first date. Boat ride, street market, broken cymbal/pickle tub drum set, cut-off shorts, awkward reverse hump dance (Yeah, that would be humping side to side instead of front to back. Hella disturbing and Jake's signature move), tacky, tacky jewelry. Gia claimed she would always wear the necklace Jake got her...on her wrist. Because, um, [what was the reasoning, ABC intern that you whispered in Gia's ear?], oh because she wears her heart on her sleeve for this boy. And because it's way easier to cover with long sleeves or a nice tailored jacket. The date ends with,
[surprise, surprise] a romantic, candlelit dinner and a back and forth of "I love you more." "No...I love you more." Blah blah. Oh lookie, a letter from host man has arrived. In short, it says if you wanna get down and get funky we've got a room for that, but hurry up the hot-tubbing because they charge us by the hour. They get as naked as you can on net TV and leave the rest to our imaginations.

Tenley gets the next date, and I'll admit it. I was doing laundry, so I was distracted. But apparently Jake wanted to show Ten his passion (Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Oh. Wait. Yo
u meant flying? Gotcha.), so they take a helicopter (Time out: I'm just sayin, if this were really his passion, wouldn't Jake be flying? Guess ABC couldn't get insurance clearance, could they? Time in.) and proceed to wander around the jungle. Tenley's still very excited at the prospect of dancing with Jake forever. Insert the cartoon birds that have come to create her romantic candlelit dinner gown. Now insert 47 soundbites of "I'm falling in love with Jake." "I'm falling in love with Tenley," and you'll feel how I feel. Worn the eff out. Seriously, if it weren't so painful I would go back and count how many times "I'm falling in love with [insert googly eyed freak here]" was uttered and would realize how many times my soul died a little that night. Buuuhhh.

Anyway, despite the big deal Tenley made out of having only spent the night with her ex-husband, she too accepts the host man's "get down to just your business socks" hotel suite for a night of...Well. Hrm. If the two of them were going to have a code name, I'd guess it'd be along the lines of a Milton Bradley game, so...yeah. T
hey had a romping night of "Hungry Hungry Hippos."

After Jake sunk his battleship (boo yah!), it was time for his Vienna date. He takes her to one of the ships
used in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. What a perfect adventure for a child. "Oh m'gaaaahhh. This was used in a movie??? I saw that on a screen in the dark! And now it's here! Does this mean we're in a movie too? This is AMAZING." Shoot me now. Someone (damn you, whoever you are) gave Jake an eye patch and sword. My soul is literally caving in on itself. There's not going to be anything left by the time this season is over. Anyway, I'm completely distracted the rest of the date because I can't decide if Jake looks more like Captain Ron or Pippi Longstocking. You decide.

What do you know, another romantic candlelit dinner. I think they should be at Chuck E Cheese. Jake asks what kind of ring Vienna would want, and in my head...Her response sounded extraordinarily like Dane Cook's imaginary girlfriend. Or any Dane Cook girl voice for that matter.

Ummm. Well. I have teeny fingers, so ummm. I need a skinny band. You knoooow, just like me, and I'm a princess. Daddy's little princess, soooo I want a princess cut. Oh oh oh, and um. I want a little bling. Yeah. Some bling just around the ring. Yah. I. Want. Some. Bling.

And what do you know, the host man's, "We've stocked the room with Marvin Gaye and Beanie Babies, what else could you want? Get you ass in some lingerie and show America what it's really like to be a patriot" overnight suite card arrives, and did we really think she wouldn't accept? I just hope her dad didn't follow them out to the island. Awkwaaard.

Day of the rose ceremony and the Herp just can't leave us alone. Ring Ring. Hello? Hi...It's Ali. And now...Ali's defense: Hi. Um...I made the wrong choice. I err. Love you? So miserable blub blub. Want to come back? I um...remember how you liked me? We saw Chicago? I wore yellow? We spun around in the ocean and I ruined my boots...blaaah. Love? Come back please?

For the next five minutes Jake's ramblings were both incoherent and exhausting. Looks like someone took a cue from the Peter Griffin School of Acting. Jake's lesson for this scene starts around the 1:00 mark.

In the end he told Herp to suck it. She left. He loves three other women now. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Holla.

Rose ceremony. AKA "We know Gia's going home, so let's get these girls out of the sun before their makeup lacquer starts to melt." Looks like Mr. Dateless just wanted to bone the swimsuit model to make up for those high school years (that'll show em!), but couldn't afford her footwear habit...Oh well. You win some, you lose some. Gia was a very good sport though. I'll give her that. Even with copious amounts of glitter mixing with the sweat and the tears, she managed to be kind and coherent. You go, Glen Coco!!

Until next week, when both the crazies and forgettables (ah yes, that would be you, Mrs. Ray Ramano) come out of the woodwork, happy TV watching!


Lacey said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA This is awesome. I Love It!!

This episode was so awkward... I cannot wait for next week... Women tell All!!! That should be interesting!

Katie said...

Baahahaha!!! Ali is the herp, Tenley is a disney princess, and Vienna is a child. Love the Dane Cook interlude! Umm I'd like some gold coins and the bamboo cup! You go Glen Coco! Amazing! Oh! And don't forget Tenley's bold statement about how she sticks to her commitments...or just gets a divorce. Whatev.

Mellie said...

I know, next week is gonna be a winner! Ooo, I feel the pain already :)

And I can't believe I forgot to throw that in, Sister! Yeah...She's real committed except for when it comes to being committed. Hrm. But you know she has no experience with married life. Disney movies never cover that part of the story.