We kick off the evening with a shorts-clad Jake (second cousin of the turtle-neck clad Jake). That global warming is a bitch... Or could you producers be stealing material from next week’s St. Lucia visit? I think you are. Especially after I saw Jake in a Rastafarian choker in a confessional. Jake doesn’t wear chokers. Jake bought that from a small child/old man peddling homemade/Korean-made goods to tourists as they hop off the fancy ocean liner. Seriously producers. Stop blatantly robbing Peter to pay Paul. It makes Peter sad, and also makes for pretty crap TV.
Back on track: Jake’s off to NYC to meet Gia and the fam. But before the evening of family fun commences we’ve got to take a boat tour and have Gia point out the Empire State Building. “It’s that one. With the pointy thingy on top.” Uuughh. It hurts a little. Then we forget all about the boat tour and move on to “Supermodel Documentary Hour!!”
I vas just walking down ze street one day and the man come up to me and he say, "Would you like to be a supermodel?". And I say "Oui" and ze next day I'm in New York on ze cover of Vogue.
What? You so know you remember it.
Yeah it’s a good thing you had that camera Gia. It’s not like you’re on a reality show. Being filmed. Constantly. But I guess there’s no other way for a photo montage in sepia tones, huh?
We finally meet Gia’s family. Mom’s in a very short dress. Her step-brother’s a Jersey Shore reject. Holy eye brows and hair gel, Batman! Jake doesn’t fit in with him. Jake, you should probably just go hide in the corner before brother breaks you. No, he was serious about that. Don’t laugh it off. Pocket-guido knows people. But besides the threat of being broken there’s no real drama. They like him. He likes them. It’s all good, take our daughter off our hands. Evening comes to an end doing one of Gia’s favorite things…Sitting on stoops. Really? I saw that flash of red Louboutin sole earlier. Pretty sure your favorite thing to do in NY is not sit on stoops. Jake asks the ever-clever-where-on-earth-could-he-be-going-with-this, “Ever kiss on a stoop?” Gia barely gets out “N” before Jake swoops in for that ever-passionate closed mouth neck nuzzler combo. Jake. Don’t rush your lines. Let Gia answer the way the writers want her to (because I’m pretty sure she’s had her share of stoop lovin). You look too anxious. Calm down.
Adios NYC and hello…whatever town Ali lives in. Apparently Ali was a ratard as a child and wished on falling leaves. That just doesn’t seem fair. I mean, when I was a kid you had to work for wishes: wait for a birthday, see a shooting star…She catches leaves. And wishes on them. This visit is gonna suck. Next Ali wants to introduce Jake to her grandmother. Who died before she came on the show. In my head all I can think is, “Please don’t take him to a cemetery. Please don’t take him to a cemetery.” Then I hear Jake say, “Oh this is cute.” My head: “Jake, please don’t tell me you called a cemetery cute. Please don’t tell me you called a cemetery cute.”
Turns out she’s taking him to dead grandma’s house. And…I’m sure this was special for her. And I’m just putting this out there. I’m calling “dead grandmother” the new “V Card” of reality dating shows. I would’ve put money on it that Jake would leave Ali without a rose this week. Ali, aka girl I think is awkward and hate now, confides in Jake that if he were to ask her to get married right now she’d say yes. Jump the gun much? You wait. Don’t put that out there. This game is not over, and you and grandma are hosting the welcome wagon to Crazy Town. Jake stares blankly and in either a moment of A) Passion or B) How do I make this girl stop talking?, kisses, pecks the nose and the awkward conversation is averted.
Oh, he also met the family. They all liked each other. Boring.
I don’t remember where Tenley lives, but they went there next. There are lots of trees and they walk through them… All of a sudden giant cups of cocoa and flannel blankets appear as if from no where (Why, danke, producers! I’m sure they appreciated that little treat). Tenley then takes Jake to her dance studio where she grew up (Really Tenley? You grew up there? Like you have a room? You kept your dollie collection there? Confused.), to show him a routine she choreographed just for him. And what do you know…it’s to Canon in D. The second most popular wedding march ever. Does somebody have a hidden agenda…? I think so! Ugh. Anyway, Ten goes on to exclaim how wonderful it would be to have someone to dance with forever!!! I threw up in my mouth a little at this point. What? No, really. What? Maybe the first marriage failed because Tenley never learned that real life isn’t like a Disney movie.
Jake meets the family and his generalities and vagueness astound me. I swear tonight he told us that “Family is very important to me” and “I was raised to do the right thing.” Well… Good for you. And thanks for opening up there, buddy. I mean, are you really going to say family isn’t important to you and you were raised to be a little shit? No. If you want these girls to “open up,” you’ve got to, too! There. I said it. You suck a little.
Anyway back to how the weepy Tenley home was brought to us by the color purple. Did anybody else notice?? So much eggplant!! Did they plan this? Wow. Well, I guess if any family was going to go Sesame Street, it’d be the Tenleys.
Oh lookie. Vienna’s here. Yay. She is such a child. And dressed like a Flashdance extra. Gah I hate her and her cockeyes. I pretty much ignore their boat tour. But it went something like this, “I love the water. This is my plaaaaace. Hope you can tie a knot!!! Oh m’gah a turtle!! It’s on a rock. I’m gonna throw you in if you’re bad!!!” Shut your face. We go on to find out that she’s done everything she wants to do and is ready to get married. Really? At 23? You’ve done everything you want to do? What is wrong with you?? Go back to school. Learn a trade. Roll pennies. I don’t care just don’t talk anymore and get off my TV.
Holy shit. I hate her tacky house. Her dad’s glasses have a constant glare and make him look like Mr. Magoo. Jake goes country to impress her dad. Really, Jake? Are you really from the Panhandle? Do you own an airbrush/henna tattoo shop? Why are you so strange and twangy?? Ugh. This visit is making me tired. But we do find out that literally, no one likes Vienna. Or has ever liked her. Her entire life. This is the norm for her. Geez. I think she’s really a Daddy’s girl because no one else can stand her. After an awkward make out session interrupted by Dad…He’s a peach. Like father like daughter…our Vienna visit comes to a close.
The last hour consists of weepy, drunk Ali. She tells Jake (after about 20 minutes of whines and cries) that she has to choose between staying here and going back to her job. She says she needs his help. But the way she said it…I was like, “Help…as in, with your rent? Because that’s what it sounds like.” At this point she can just leave. You annoy me. After her chat with Jake she mopes out to make her way back to her room, and apparently the pressure of it all has drained her of all her luster and energy and she absolutely has to collapse onto the hotel floor. Flopsy mopsy is an embarrassment. Boooo. Can’t believe there’s a whole 30 minutes left. And I know it’s going to be chock full of Ali drama.
I was right! Come rose ceremony, scruffy ragamuffin Ali asks host man to talk to Jake. Gaaah. Seriously? We just did this! I hate this show. Conversation went something like this. “Like like like buh whaah sad like uh love? Wuuuhh sad don’t know drunky drunk.”
Get the eff out.
Jake could care less about your incoherent ramblings and he does not appreciate the snot you’ve graciously wiped on his sleeve. That’s a nice suit, woman!
What I don’t understand is…Did she not think that if she “won,” she’d have to get a new job anyway? That was her ultimate goal, yes? Screw it and just get a new one. Hell, if you left your job for Jake and he didn’t pick you, you know you’d be a shoo-in for the Bachelorette. Reality TV could be your new job. People do it on Vh1 all the time. Use your noggin! Not just a hat rack, my friend. Oh squishy-face, sloppy girl, just leave. The best part of her hitting the road? No, not the crying or the absence of awkward rose ceremony. But this:
The most awkward stance in, well, possibly all of history. Both awkward and uncomfortable, it perfectly reflects what this show is. So let’s all take a moment. And appreciate that we are not a part of this world.