Recapping in Protest

Know the best part of this episode?

Just Michael in Taliban Chic. Cousin It in chiffon.

And the valiant return of Swatch. That's it. The End.

The hour of bullshit begins with Gretchen meeting the mayor of New York in white leggings and puss in boots boots. How does that feel, Gretchen? Does it feel like trash of state fair proportions? Because it should. Even Mondo left the jorts at home. Go sit in that corner and feel ashamed of yourself.

Oh, and Lord of Perfectly Pleated Ascots and Pocket Squares issued the challenge of creating, well. Anything. They have lots of money so impress the judges with it. Oh, and they have the entire city of New York to draw inspiration from. Am wondering where the "this look will jump start your fashion week collection" speech is. That's standard for this challenge, yes? Bugha.

The designers set off to get "inspired." Whatevs. April and Mondo are both channelling the Brooklyn Bridge. Just Michael heads to the Statue of Liberty. I mean...That's kind of your outfit right there. You can't exactly design a structured business suit inspired by the Statue of Lib, can you? I'm guessing draping will be involved... Andy heads to Central Park. He's inspired by the natural paths in the park. Um, Andy. The park wasn't carved out by the American Indian. Engineers were involved in its design. There's not too much organic about that, sir. Oh, and Gretchen heads to the Lower East Side. She doesn't want to be "literal," so that means she's going to design whatever the hell she wants and justify it later.

These kids suck at inspiration. Want to see inspiration? Think Jay McCarroll. Season 1. Episode 3. Chrysler Building, anyone?

Or Andre's gutter water dress. Season 2. Episode 8.



So yeah, they sewed. Timmy critiqued. Mondo napped. Andy's designing a cocktail dress for a Chinese madam that serves dim sum and happy endings. Wretchen made Papa Gunn hug her. This makes me cringe. Scanning the workroom, I can tell this runway is gonna be one for the books. The really big book of ugly shit.

Now, let me remind you all that this is the challenge to get a chance to design a collection for Fashion Week. You know, to win the effing show. Just for some perspective, let me remind you of several other designs that came out the challenge before the finals:

Kenley

Leanne

Jillian

Christian Siriano

Chris March

Yeah. That's talent. That's how one is to design to deserve a collection of your very own. And ah, this is what the rag tag group of misfits came up with and were praised and rewarded for:

I present to you, the Parade of Bullshit. Up first, the Fashion Week Bound:

Andy

Oh good Lord. The judges claimed this to be the "perfect black dress." Um, for a hooker. I think it's tailor made for a dominatrix on casual Friday and horrid. Oh, and it has absolutely nothing to do with Central Park. Apparently the "challenge" has nothing to do with the judging. I want to see a picture of Central Park that somehow relates to this outfit. Then maybe I can get behind Miss Saigon going to Fashion Week.

Just Michael

It's pretty. And despite being a centimeter away from our Lady Liberty showing ass crack, it falls quite beautifully. But the judges keep saying how wonderfully draped it is. Ummm. It's a sheath. It's pleated. And has a slit. There's no draping. It hangs. You wanna see draping, call yummy Rami back to the runway. Still though, this was the best this week.

Mondo

Once again it's wackadoo, but cute. I like it and I'm not sure why. Judges know he doesn't use color as a crutch, but he might be using houndstooth and herringbone. Just sayin. He's adorable though. Oh! And when he was the only one who picked Just Michael to come to Fashion Week with him and lil JM's face lit up like a Christmas tree...J'adore.

Wretchen

Bullshit. Absolute bullshit. An ill-fitting skirt, a sloppy blouse and a substandard jacket. She was designing for "real girls." Well, hun. "Real girls" don't belong on a runway do they? They belong in Sears catalogs; so take your wares there and sell them alongside the tires and washing machines, ok? I don't need you in my life. Why must the judges hang on to this girl? Yes she won the first two challenges, and was high in the third, but since then...She's been middle of the road 4 times, in the top twice and in the bottom twice. One of which was last week. That's what we call, "not stellar." On the other hand we have:

The Dismissed

April

Now we all know that I've been on the "April Should Use Actual Color" Bandwagon for a long long time, but. BUT, this was one of the very few outfits on the runway that actually had some presence. It actually made a little noise. And it's definitely not hanging on the racks of a Burke's Outlet mall like someone else's outfit...*coughGRETCHENcough* And her track record? Oh, let's see: She's been in the bottom twice, safe six times, won once and was in the top three times, two of which were the past two episodes. Ya know...I say that's way better than the bitter monger Gretchen. Oh, not to mention the fact that, 1. Andy designed in black about 90% of the time and that was never effin mentioned by the judges, and 2. April has never once been reprimanded for repeating designs or not using color. Just saying. Once again. Bullshit.

But for some reason the judges decided to keep Femullet. Because they know she just ran out of steam and she has a personal style that will serve well as an inspiration in the final collections.

Yeah, judges. Sure. I know I trust a woman in lilac crushed velvet Hammer pants's personal style. Yeah. Look at what you've done. Look at what you've subjected the world to. Hang your heads in shame you tacky little wenches.

Despite being the bitter biddy that I am, I do have a few things to look forward to. Come next week, I'll get to hear the Baron Von Lichtenfashion say "design diarrhea" and hold up Gretchen's granny panties. I guess there is such a thing as redemption.