I...Buh..Wha? No.

I got nothin.

Seriously. Nothing.

There was a "reunion." Not only did they not tar and feather Ivy for being a complete C U Next Tuesday, we didn't even get a Lord Gunn vocabulary montage. Therefore, I paid no attention. In a nutshell: The gays love Peaches. No one likes Gretchen. April's going through a Bitter Betty Princess Leia phase.


Valerie has had marriage proposals and celebrates by dressing like a referee.


Runway day has zero drama.

Andy wears his Jackie O pants.


Gretchen has an affinity for granny panties and decided to pair them with April's resortwear.




Country as corn pone Jessica Yee-Haw Simpson chewed her cud while disguised as a bedazzled flying squirrel. She liked them there dresses on that there runway.


Andy sent down a doldrums of a collection in shades of grey and pea green taffeta.

Funny like a monkey Mondo showed a fun and unique array of Mondoisms that was an obvious (ahrm) winner.

Gretchen made some stuff that I didn't totally hate in shades of dirt and thunder (apparently).

In possibly the longest judges session ever, after immediately knocking Andy from the running for the title (because, um. It blew.), Michael Kors and Nina Garcia changed the name of the show to Project Ready to Wear and decided Gretchenstein should be the winner. At least she has some cash now, and won't have to peddle her wares on the street out of a shopping cart.

Funny Like A Monkey Mondo will always be the winner to me. Just wanna stick him in my pocket and carry him around for a while. Precious.

That's it. I can't talk about it anymore. Project Runway and I are on a break. We'll see where we stand come next season.

Actually, one last thing:

There's Power in the Velvet

I should have known that Project Runway was going to be an epic fail this week because it broke my DirecTV. Ok, ok, the crummy satellite reception and overall darkened soul of the company in general probably did it, leaving me cable and DRV-less until Monday. (Thank God for the complete second and third season of Mad Men…), but I like to think the trio of bad decision makers and puppy kickers had something to do with it too.


So because of my general annoyance and disappointment, I’m keeping it brief. Let’s get to it.

Tim’s at home visit begins with him not knock, knock, knocking on Andy’s door, which I found surprising. Come to find there was no door to knock, knock, knock on.


We find that Lord of I Prefer Land Mammals has a fear of catfish and Andy has nothing sewn yet. Yikes. Hope those textiles all the way from Laos are worth it.



Michael has tons and tons o outfits. TG thinks he needs to focus, focus, focus and stop designing. Just Michael’s boyfriend fills us in on how craptastic JM’s parents are. Poor lil fella.

Mondo’s house is very Mondo. Colorful and delightfully wackadoo. His collection is Mexican circus meets Dia de los Muertos. He’s so gonna win and everybody knows it, including the proud Papa Gunn.

And then there’s Gretchen. Yes, with a “G,” not a “W.” I actually don’t hate her as much this week. I mean…her life is kind of crumbly. No more relationship, money or house. Bless it. And dear dear Gunny Bear opens up about his disastrous failed relationship that resulted in his moving to New York and becoming the Baron Von Awesome that he is today. I swear that man is chocolate dipped and filled with caramel. Love.

The designers reunite in New York at the “brought to you by Hilton” suite, and the velvet bag makes its valiant return. Ah, but it’s not holding a gremlin of a surprise this week. All the contestants get a trip for two to a Hilton resort. There is much rejoicing and Gretchen wonders how much she can get for it on eBay.


The challenge: Present three looks to the judges, one of which you have to make right now. Go.

Runway day arrives, Gretchen, once again, dresses head to toe in pumpkin flavored crushed velvet. I believe this textile to be the secret of her powers. And the Trail of Tears commences:

Mondo

The clear and obvious winner of the season. I could do without the Pebbles Flintstone-Snookie bumps, but overall...He's Mondolicious. And destined for funny-like-a-monkey greatness.

Gretchen

Michael Jackson takes a Caribbean vacation.

It's working girl Melanie Griffith before she raids Sigourney Weaver's closet. Tell me it's not.

Meh. Crunchy granola jumper. I'd probably wear it with a cardigan.

Andy

Those nimble and swift Laotian fingers may pleat like a mad man, but I don't like it. Color's atrocious. The skirt's a throw away. Whatevs.

Ew.

It's a fancy, silver, day romper. That's a combo that makes no sense and annoys me.

Just Michael

Love this look. Haven't seen JM do pants since his resort wear jumpsuit, and these are a vast improvement. Adore the top.

Mondo and Gretch were the first to receive their tickets to fashion week, and for some reason this little moment made me choke up a little.

Mondo: Good.

Little, petite and packed full of punch. Just like our dear one.

In the end, it was Andy's name called, not Just Michael's. And the heart breaking began. He went from Blair Witch Project...

To full on Terms of Endearment, machine gun tears.

He really doesn't want to have sex with a woman again.

Pretty sure these tears were brought on by the close vicinity of that outfit.

Finally Pappy Tim came in to rock and swaddle little Just Michael to a slow, soft whimper.

He bogarts the tissues and makes his exit.

Just Michael's a precious little thing that should be going to fashion week. I saw all of the collections when they were released months ago, and his was always one of my top faves. He'll find a way to tell his family and if his mom tries to get him to give up fashion and marry another girl, Tim Gunn will come down and kick some ass.

Next week: Mondo wins.

Recapping in Protest

Know the best part of this episode?

Just Michael in Taliban Chic. Cousin It in chiffon.

And the valiant return of Swatch. That's it. The End.

The hour of bullshit begins with Gretchen meeting the mayor of New York in white leggings and puss in boots boots. How does that feel, Gretchen? Does it feel like trash of state fair proportions? Because it should. Even Mondo left the jorts at home. Go sit in that corner and feel ashamed of yourself.

Oh, and Lord of Perfectly Pleated Ascots and Pocket Squares issued the challenge of creating, well. Anything. They have lots of money so impress the judges with it. Oh, and they have the entire city of New York to draw inspiration from. Am wondering where the "this look will jump start your fashion week collection" speech is. That's standard for this challenge, yes? Bugha.

The designers set off to get "inspired." Whatevs. April and Mondo are both channelling the Brooklyn Bridge. Just Michael heads to the Statue of Liberty. I mean...That's kind of your outfit right there. You can't exactly design a structured business suit inspired by the Statue of Lib, can you? I'm guessing draping will be involved... Andy heads to Central Park. He's inspired by the natural paths in the park. Um, Andy. The park wasn't carved out by the American Indian. Engineers were involved in its design. There's not too much organic about that, sir. Oh, and Gretchen heads to the Lower East Side. She doesn't want to be "literal," so that means she's going to design whatever the hell she wants and justify it later.

These kids suck at inspiration. Want to see inspiration? Think Jay McCarroll. Season 1. Episode 3. Chrysler Building, anyone?

Or Andre's gutter water dress. Season 2. Episode 8.



So yeah, they sewed. Timmy critiqued. Mondo napped. Andy's designing a cocktail dress for a Chinese madam that serves dim sum and happy endings. Wretchen made Papa Gunn hug her. This makes me cringe. Scanning the workroom, I can tell this runway is gonna be one for the books. The really big book of ugly shit.

Now, let me remind you all that this is the challenge to get a chance to design a collection for Fashion Week. You know, to win the effing show. Just for some perspective, let me remind you of several other designs that came out the challenge before the finals:

Kenley

Leanne

Jillian

Christian Siriano

Chris March

Yeah. That's talent. That's how one is to design to deserve a collection of your very own. And ah, this is what the rag tag group of misfits came up with and were praised and rewarded for:

I present to you, the Parade of Bullshit. Up first, the Fashion Week Bound:

Andy

Oh good Lord. The judges claimed this to be the "perfect black dress." Um, for a hooker. I think it's tailor made for a dominatrix on casual Friday and horrid. Oh, and it has absolutely nothing to do with Central Park. Apparently the "challenge" has nothing to do with the judging. I want to see a picture of Central Park that somehow relates to this outfit. Then maybe I can get behind Miss Saigon going to Fashion Week.

Just Michael

It's pretty. And despite being a centimeter away from our Lady Liberty showing ass crack, it falls quite beautifully. But the judges keep saying how wonderfully draped it is. Ummm. It's a sheath. It's pleated. And has a slit. There's no draping. It hangs. You wanna see draping, call yummy Rami back to the runway. Still though, this was the best this week.

Mondo

Once again it's wackadoo, but cute. I like it and I'm not sure why. Judges know he doesn't use color as a crutch, but he might be using houndstooth and herringbone. Just sayin. He's adorable though. Oh! And when he was the only one who picked Just Michael to come to Fashion Week with him and lil JM's face lit up like a Christmas tree...J'adore.

Wretchen

Bullshit. Absolute bullshit. An ill-fitting skirt, a sloppy blouse and a substandard jacket. She was designing for "real girls." Well, hun. "Real girls" don't belong on a runway do they? They belong in Sears catalogs; so take your wares there and sell them alongside the tires and washing machines, ok? I don't need you in my life. Why must the judges hang on to this girl? Yes she won the first two challenges, and was high in the third, but since then...She's been middle of the road 4 times, in the top twice and in the bottom twice. One of which was last week. That's what we call, "not stellar." On the other hand we have:

The Dismissed

April

Now we all know that I've been on the "April Should Use Actual Color" Bandwagon for a long long time, but. BUT, this was one of the very few outfits on the runway that actually had some presence. It actually made a little noise. And it's definitely not hanging on the racks of a Burke's Outlet mall like someone else's outfit...*coughGRETCHENcough* And her track record? Oh, let's see: She's been in the bottom twice, safe six times, won once and was in the top three times, two of which were the past two episodes. Ya know...I say that's way better than the bitter monger Gretchen. Oh, not to mention the fact that, 1. Andy designed in black about 90% of the time and that was never effin mentioned by the judges, and 2. April has never once been reprimanded for repeating designs or not using color. Just saying. Once again. Bullshit.

But for some reason the judges decided to keep Femullet. Because they know she just ran out of steam and she has a personal style that will serve well as an inspiration in the final collections.

Yeah, judges. Sure. I know I trust a woman in lilac crushed velvet Hammer pants's personal style. Yeah. Look at what you've done. Look at what you've subjected the world to. Hang your heads in shame you tacky little wenches.

Despite being the bitter biddy that I am, I do have a few things to look forward to. Come next week, I'll get to hear the Baron Von Lichtenfashion say "design diarrhea" and hold up Gretchen's granny panties. I guess there is such a thing as redemption.