Wednesday, September 28, 2011

He is...quite large.

Ok, let's keep it short and sweet since the new episode is on tomorrow and I had the rare opportunity of watching this episode with Sister, so let's face it: I was selfish and sucked up all the funny the night of and now the snark well is dry. (Ok, nearly...) To begin, let's start with the transcription of Oliver's one on one interviews.

Camera Guy: Tell us how you feel about this challenge.

Oliviiiiier: Well. I don't like it. Because my man is quite large. Massive, really. I don't have enough money for bolts of fabric. And even if I did our mannequins aren't equipped to handle the weight of that amount of textile.

Camera Guy: Is he really that big? He seemed sort of average.

Olivurieoruer: Oh no, he is ginormous. I'm quite surprised he was able to fit through the door to the workroom with those Shrek like shoulders. It frightens me. His guitar is actually seven feet long to appear in proportion to his Sequoia-like torso.

Camera guy: At least this is a menswear challenge. Menswear is your specialty, yes?

Olivaaaarlirrirrr: Well. Sort of. You see, I design for myself. And like my accent, my gender is a bit muddled. So really I design for flat people (Flat. Not fat. Fat scares me.)

Camera Guy: Well this should be a good learning experience. Not every client is going to be Barbie.

Olivooouuier: Oh Barbie would be a terrible client. You see, she has boobs. And those are unsettling. They just hang off one's chest being aesthetically unpleasing. And they're also filled with fat.

Camera Guy: Ok, we're done here.

Oliviiiiiiaur: But I haven't even talked about that band man's hot dog fingers. I just want to spread them with mustard. They stare at me and I find it unnerving.

Camera Guy: Seriously. Go away.

Oliviureousr: You're fat.

Oh, and there was a challenge (aka 90 minute Garnier commercial). Make the Sheepdogs, an unsigned rock band, stylish and what-not for their Rolling Stone cover debut. They were split into two teams but that was only for logistic's sake since each designer designs for each band member and there are four members, not eight. So each Sheepdog gets to try on two horrible outfits. GO!

First up the drummer. Good lord this poor man should have never said "tunic," because each of these ladies went dashiki crazy.



There's no need to review them individually because they're the same terrible muddy-brown, Shaggy-Greg-Brady-Bowler-Chicken-Shack costume. Sooo sad.

The Bassist (I think...) By the way, this guy is totally channelling Riding in Cars with Boys Steve Zahn, the coked out years.

Sorry, man...

Anthony Ryan


There's just fringe and tacky. Fringe and tacky everywhere...And I'm with Adam Lambert. I dig the "Check out my Wang" zipper Joshua installed. The front row fans are gonna be looking for it anyway, might as well give 'em easy access.

Guitarist a la Laura

Relatively well made-ish. Those bell bottoms are excessive and none of the seams popped a la Anya, so... Whatevs.

Lead Singer Rock Star According to Bert.

What the hell, man? And WHY oh WHY is this being praised. 1. He gave a grown man pigtails. 2. It's a total Maude outfit. Tell me. Just tell me that Bea Arthur wouldn't throw this on to head down to the (gasp) abortion clinic. COME ON!

Lead Guitarist (Thank you, Viktor, for making one non-fucktarded look)

Hello obvious winner. Took pleather to a new level, made fringe not tacky and gave him real jeans that one wouldn't be embarrassed to wear in public. You rock, sir. Do work, son!

How Oliver the Douche would dress a Rock God

Ok, so maybe lead singer Sheepdog isn't an Almost Famous Golden God yet, but come on. Swans? Giant leisure suit front pockets? 3/4 length sleeves. GFY, Oliviiiiiier. We all hate you. Excuse yourself. No one will miss you.


1 comment:

Katie said...

BAHHAHAHAHAHA!!! LOVE the Oliver interview. Awesome.