Confession.

I've been watching the Bachelor. Now, typically I have very good taste in television (with the exception, of course of all of my Vh1 guilty pleasure shows. And Jersey Shore. Yeah. But other than that the taste is impeccable.). But what’s a girl to do when nothing good comes on Monday night and my recent employmenthood has forced me into a life of tired, hermit-like solitude and the episode premiere is on? And so the shame-fest began.

Let’s start with Jake, the bachelor. Loves Jesus and flying planes. Undoubtedly a Texan Republican. But he’s a very nice boy with lovely teeth. I of course could never think of dating him. Not because he’s a douche (i.e. More to Love Mike or the Ass Bachelor Jason), he’s just so pretty. And vanilla. The sickly sweet Ken doll.

And the girls. Oh, no. Sorry, the “bachelorettes.” Now, I’m not going to talk about all of them because half have been kicked off without me even knowing who they are (i.e. Valisha. She got auffed this week and I swear, when the camera panned to her at rose ceremony, I thought some poor girl had wandered in off the street, because I swear, I’d never seen her before in my life). Camera time is important, ladies...

But speaking of Valisha, apparently she was a mom and homemaker. And single. How does that happen? Does daddy own a money factory? Because I’m pretty sure to “make” a “home” and feed a kid and all you need a paycheck. Just guessing.

Vienna: Can not stand this girl. Neither can anyone else. Apparently she’s “mean” to the other girls in the house. I just think she’s stupid. That’s all. Jake likes her though, reinforced by the fact he took her bungee jumping. And I’m sorry, but I’ve got to say: Jake, you are a complete ra-tard. You’re afraid of heights and you took a girl bungee jumping. Voluntarily. You made yourself look like a giant puss. Voluntarily. Congratulations. If it were me, the show would’ve been over right there. “Thanks, Jake. You have a lovely jaw line but you just peed on my leg. I gotta go.”

Then there’s Ali. She started strong with the private Chicago concert…Poor Chicago. I feel bad for them. She wore her Converse to the rose ceremony. Seemed like a normal girl, but things have taken a turn for the bitchy. I’m sorry you don’t like Vienna. I don’t either. But don’t be a tattle-tale. You’re a grown woman. Snot.

Ella: Country hairstylist with a kid. Pretty sure she’s the token minority (ya know, a mom) in this group of ladies and he’s keeping her around for that fact (not that I don’t like her…she’s fine. I’m just sayin). I guess Channy would have held that title had she not gone all, “Me love you long time.” On the first night. Come on. He’s a nice boy. This is not Vh1. We don’t make Cambodian landing strip jokes on day one.

Tenley: Sister and I have decided she’ll be the one. She’s just a sickly sweet, butterscotch pudding as Jake. They’ll have sparkling teethed babies with six-packs. She’s not my favorite (well, none of them are), cries a little too much, and again is a little too vanilla, but whatev…At least she’s not:

Michelle: Crazy. Flat out ridiculously, certifiable crazy. I am proud of Jake for taking his balls out of the mason jar and kicking her out though. Interaction went something like this:

Crazy: I think I need to go… [subtext: tell me not to go] Jake: Yeah. I think you should.

Yes! Score, Testicles: 1 Crazies: 0. Holla!

OR

Elizabeth: Started out seeming normal. Pretty. Then she read Jake her letter. (Time out: Least favorite thing to see on any reality program: Letter reading. You seriously couldn’t just chat? You couldn’t retain that much information? You had to write it down like a 14 year old? Good for you. Time in). She says she doesn’t want Jake to kiss her until he picks her to be the last one. Ok. That’s fine. You’re that kind of girl. I like you less, but as long as you fly low on the radar I’ll forget all about it. Fast forward 20 minutes later and she’s taunting him. “Do you want to kiss me. I want to kiss you. Tell me you want to kiss me. I’m a good kisser. You’re not going to kiss me? Good. But you want to, right? Me too.” Shut. Up. Don’t be that girl. Now just replay that interchange about four more times and you’ll be caught up to speed. It finally clicked with Jake that this girl is just playing games and he doesn’t put up with that. He confronts her, she thinks he’s mad because she hasn’t kissed him. She’s officially a ra-tard. Guess who gets knocked out of the game next?

Yes! Score, Testicles: 2 Crazies/Teases: 0.

She leaves delusional. Much like she arrived and I’m perfectly fine with that.