Biddy and the Bachelor: Part Deux

I never intended for this blog to be an outlet for all things reality TV, but I've come to find that, well, my life is boring and the Bachelor is hilarious. So...There ya go. This week the ladies find out they are hitting the road. In RVs. Hello Bret Michael's Rock of Love Bus. Jake I thought you were better than that. Are hair extensions and cowboy hats next on the list? Are you going to walk into a giant moving prop at the Tony's? Oh we shall see. So the girls pack away the hot rollers and bumpits in their Barbie Dream Suitcases and away they go. They also introduce a new character this week. Hello, flannel. Meet Jake. Together you shall form the Brawny Man. I'm not complaining. I'm a sucker for flannel in all forms.

There are lots of aerial views of buses and coastline and Jake vrooming on his motorcycle and I can't help but think with a little editing, just a smidge, we could cut this show down to an hour like it belongs. Seriously, I'm a biddy. I don't stay up late and these two-hour shows are cutting in my my lying-around time. Ok, so Gia gets the solo date. Yeah, yeah you're a swimsuit model so I shouldn't like you, but you've got a little bit of a lisp so I'll forgive you for it. Their very grown-up-in-a-vineyard date starts with a rousing game of "hide-and-seek" aka "go-one-row-of-grapes-over-crouch-slightly-don't-forget-the-exorbitant-amounts-of-running-and-giggling." By the way I-love-to-type-like-this. Might want to get used to it... But back to more important subject matter, God bless you Gia, you might as well have put your hands over your eyes and legitimately believed that since you can't see you, he can't see you. Ok, so the date goes on to reveal that Gia was picked on in school (Jake. Stop laughing. Insensitive much?) and Jake's buddies called him "Mr. Dateless," which made Sister go on to say, "Yeah...I see his classmates were as original and edgy as he." Good call, Sister! Touche! They play spin the bottle and go "all the way," which for our buddy Jake means closed mouth kiss, head tilt, neck nuzzle, moan "uhh." What? That's how it went.

Then there's a group date, they play in the sand, dune buggies. I'm stuck. Jake got us out. He's so strong. Of course he is, didn't you see the flannel?

Jake, the ever easy-to-please, is delighted to see the girls clean sans sand and the one-on-ones commence. Ali, you're fine. I don't even have to pay attention to you. Vienna wants the last meeting because she's a tool. Tenley, we might as well call off the show now and arrange for a PG honeymoon, (maybe Lego Land?) because you're going to win. Jessie (had to actually look up her name because to me, she's just been Mrs. Ray Ramano. What? Hello, Patricia Heaton 20-years ago. You're on the Bachelor.), didn't even get footage shown. Did he even talk to her? Have they chatted? Since I have no idea who the eff she is, I'm gonna guess no. Ashleigh, you're an embarrassment. I can see your c-u-next-Tuesday and you're chatting about leg room on the RV. You honestly can't think this is good. If you say "How are you?" more than once in a one-on-one, go ahead and pack your bags. You're done.

Kathryn (who I always forget) and Ella have the discount bin, two for the price of one, date and one will definitely be going home. Kathryn calls Jake out for never talking to her (Hey, I forget about you, but you speak the truth lady. Don't let him get away with having favorites by saying he gets lost in your eyes. You're a flight attendant. You get that bullshit all day), and Ella pretty much says she's cool to take a kid vacation to stay and let him fall in love with her. Her acrylics are too long. Jake's not gonna marry you based purely on your manicure. In the end, both go home. Eh. Whatever. Figured something like that would happen. I do think they should have waited a while before Jake met the kid though...Isn't that a single mom faux pas? Introducing their kids to men too early? "Where's Uncle Jake, Mommy? Don't I have a new pilot daddy?" "No baby. Uncle Jake loves 6 20-somethings more than us. Go enjoy your feeling of abandonment."

Blah blah blah, rose ceremony cocktail hour. Ray Ramano gets her first bit of screen time when she tells the Bach he should get rid of Vienna, because she...who he's bonded with soo much...knows that Vienna's not good for him. Babes, just because you pulled out the green eyeshadow and the too 80s for comfort velvet dress doesn't mean he's going to keep you. Holla.

Congrats Ali and Corrie, you got your roses before it went hella awkward. Jake doesn't want to give out all of his roses so he gets his daddy, aka the host guy to break the news. Adios "Everybody Doesn't Love Raymond" and "I Can Make You Love Me with a Flash of Thigh." Everybody is shocked that Vienna is still there, but apparently they're not watching the same show I am...

At this rate, I'm pretty sure the finale will be week after next because there are what, four girls left? Until then...Happy TV watching!