Friday, October 21, 2011

Wanna Fanta, Don't You Wanna Wanna Fanta.

The season that will be known for its mediocrity and hair gel is coming to a close. The four stitching mignons are wrapping things up for a long nine days to design a 12piece collection for fashion week. (Seriously. They only get five weeks? That's insane. Didn't they used to get three moths? That's why they all blow. Boooo.) Anywho, Joshua packs up his tank tops, Viktor presses his Bermudas, Anya gathers her curtains and wind socks that she pretends are real clothing along with her bushels of bangles and Kimberly...Well she dresses relatively normal, so she just takes her hoop earrings and peaces out. Onward, ho!

They can barely blink an eye before Timothy Gunn, the Pinstriped Piped Piper comes a knocking at their door with the intention of leading them out of the fashion slums and into the light of couture where the streets are lined with gold lame and even whispering the word "jegging" calls for immediate exile.

Kimberly of Maryland is up first. There's equal admiration of each other's hotness, motorboat, motorboat, let's check out your studio. Kim's gotten a lot of work done (in probably 72 hours) for her Hard Edge Brooklyn Girl Gone Good line. Notorious TFG likes that it looks like Kimberly. I think it's loud. But I don't hate it. Probably because I like Kim. She shares her sad story (there are many this season), Timmy has lunch with her family and friends and they have leaves in their water. Gunn out, Bitches.

Next up Lord Gunnderson glops on his zinc oxide, secures his Windsor knot and heads to Trinidad to visit Aaaaaanya. They hop on a boat, she shares her sad story. Her brothers tell Gunny that their sister has become more than a pretty face and a sex tape. She makes maxi dresses now. However, she has not made any for her collection. She hasn't made anything. Because she can't draw any "new shapes." Oh good lord. Shake a can of pennies at it and make it go away. Apparently she's spent all of her time snorkeling and staring at her computer wallpaper inspiration and forgot she had to make shit. Get to work, strange mohawk girl.

Next up, we're back to New York to see Viktor. Tim pretty much doesn't stop drooling from the time he stepped through the door to the meeting of the Opie Howard boyfriend. Viktor's pretty golden with his brother's death anniversary inspiration textile and crazy coveted pearled leather jacket. You can take it easy, bro.

And last but not least...Joshua. In Queens. How fitting.

They have lunch with his sister and relive his track and field days (the Dapper Dan has only made him more aerodynamic) and Zack Morris Time Out: Why aren't the designers taking more advantage of Tim's visits. They used to do fun shit. Daniel V made him help pick out a fashion week outfit. Jay wore a wig and showed him his gun. Laura Bennett's kid made him touch turtle poop. I miss those days. Time in. On to Joshua's collection thus far...

Oh I'm sorry, is this a runway show or a mid-90s soda commercial? There is so much Fanta going on, it's not even funny. Gunnderson is horrified by his frumpy fug vintage textile, and appalled by the plastic-cross-your-eyes fabric he hadn't-yet-but-very-excited-to use fabric in the corner. In a word, he's concerned. As. He. Should. Be. Joshua freaks and...Commercial break.

The long five weeks are up and the designers are back together again, getting all sly-eyed as each unveils their designs. (Joshua drools over Viktor's leather and pearls. Who'da thunk it?) They're to present three looks to the judges that represent their collection and the weeding out will commence. Go!


The first to be sent on his merry way to fashion week. All I can say is: Quoi?

This strange toga-catsuit hybrid was the first collection sent to fashion week. Buuhhh. There ya go. That's the caliber of this season.

Modesty tab, my ass...If I can still see side cuppage, there is no modesty. But at least with her neoprene cocktail dress she can scuba at a moment's notice. And if she can't scuba...What's all this been about? (Name that sitcom.)

Um...Club Girl plays racquetball? Jacket's all right. The go-cart safety belt is kinda tragic.

Viktor aka Who should have been called first.

I mean, seriously. Heidi made the model give her the jacket. She wants it. She didn't want to crawl in Josh's satin ass pants. This should justify Viktor having first pick at the free waters in the green room. Oh, and it's a really pretty dress.

Love this. It's actually pretty flawless. Let's just leave it at that.

Yeah, it could definitely do without the leather harness. Seriously, a little editing feedback from the judging panel of Short N Tight (although she was totally sporting a Mondo T, so...You go, Glen Coco), Orange and Fab, and Viktor has a pretty obvious winning collection.


I can't talk about these individually. Because they all have the same problem. #1 They're not going to sleep away camp so leave the overnight bags at home. #2 I think she asked Garnier and L'Oreal to style them like Fly Girls. Or Lida and Melina. It's true talk. They just look dirty and in need of a good scrub-down.

Anya the Auff...Wha??



Saddest. This is a fucking black bathing suit. Show me a Wet Seal that doesn't carry this shit.

Now, I'm all for the tricky, "You're all going to fashion week!!" if they're all good. These were not all good. There was an obvious auff, and it was Anya. Her designs came in a palate of sawdust and were poorly done and not original in any shape or form. Not OK. I'd be pissed too, Ryan Reynold's Sassy Twin. So come next week we're at the same point we are now: Waiting still on inevitable mediocrity. And crying in foreign dialects.

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