Are you speaking foreign?

Oh my lovelies, we are back. It's been far too long since Lord Gunn, Patron Saint of Kicky Textiles has graced my screen and I'm oh-so-thrilled he's made his silver fox return. Let's jump right in and meet the designers, shall we? Thankfully Lifetime put together a Road to the Runway special so I can make snap judgments that may or may not last the the whole season...But only time will tell. Let's start with:

Straddling the Fence Between Fab and Fail (or Boring)

Gunnar
#1...That's not a real name. Don't play like it is. #2 I want to like you, with your adorable Flock of Seagulls hair swagger and your cun-try flair, but I'm just not feeling it. Oh, plus you presented Heidi with a pink, satin Derby dress. Yeeeeah. Not smart to do in front of the frau.

Kimberly

I jus--Eh hrm. I think she's gonna make me tired. A little too much sass. A little too much diva. We shall see.

Bert

I so want to love Bert, the old queen. Give him a nice noble title; something like Honorable Lord Bertie Blass Givenchykikins, but he's just kind of falling flat.

Anya

I don't want to like her. She's wearing a giant romper. She entered a beauty pageant on a whim, became Miss Trinidad and Tobago, went on to Miss Universe, made a sex tape, and despite not being able to sew, has made it on to the show. But she opened her mouth and I didn't hate her. Hrm. Gotta wait this one out.

Viktor

Don't remember much about Viktor. Hence the category placement. Dig the shoes, though.

Cecilia

Only wears her own designs. (hrm) And seems kinda like a bitch, but maybe a funny bitch. Let's see how far that horrible satin jumpsuit of yours takes you.

I Dig Ya

David

There wasn't much to little Davie's personality. Inoffensive is a pretty good descriptor. But I really liked his designs. I think he'd make pretty things without pissing me off. That's supposed to be a winner, right?

Becky

Aw spunky Becky. A little older than the other chippies this season, but she's not here to play mom like Peaches or Wendy Pepper. (Nor would she ever wear Peach's country club sweaters or Pepper's horrific, well, anything. P.S. Lurv you Peaches! P.P.S. WP...You can still suck it.)

Anthony

The Baton Rouge Color Blind One Ball Wonder. And he calls Tim, "Mr. Gunn." Adore. (But the cancer schtick is gonna get old quick. Have a feeling he'll be able to reel it in once the obligatory "story-telling-meet-the-designers" first few episodes are over though.)

Rafael

I like anyone who looks like David Blaine but sounds country as corn pone. Work it, Raffie.

Julie

Did not expect to like her. I mean, she looks like she's on her way to softball practice and the pieces she presented to get on the show were variations of that typical stoner hemp hoodie, drug rug. And with everything being so "naturally draped" and held together with belts I was afraid we'd have an English-speaking Ping on our hands. But ya know... She's no nonsense and no bullshit. Like it. Dig it.

Fallene

She reminds me of a little pixie. A little hipster pixie. I can work with that.

Olivier
Still don't know if his name is Oliver (as in "and company") or Olivier (as in "first name Laurence"), I also don't know if that accent is legit or Madonna-inspired, but I kinda find him adorable.

Bryce

Doh...Lil socially awkward Bryce who just desperately wants to design for Lady Ga-ga. Wanna put him in my pocket.

Josh

Someone should really tell this "looking for the right girl Mormon" that his ascots, bubble butt and tendency to cuddle against the other Josh of the group would make him a fabulous homosexual. Let's see what happens!

Nuh Uh. We're Not Gonna Be Friends

Amanda

I did want to like you...I really did. You went to Alabama. I would like to have that connection when I talk about Project Runway with people. "Oh yeah, Amanda's design was awesome! You know she went to Alabama. I think some people I know knew her..." But yeah. Way too chipper. Too too chipper. And pink. So much pink. And tacky ruffles. Yikes. "Taste level" will definitely come up in judges conversation.

Serena

You are inexplicably offensive. I get the feeling you're a mouth breather. You design too much sheer shit. And you're a bit too obsessed with Tim Gunn. (Which I did not believe was possible. But there's a threshold. And starting a girl band in his honor is it.)

Joshua

I should love him. He's quite fabulous. But all I can see is a bitchy queen menswear designer. Do something endearing so I change my mind, mmk?

Danielle

Ugh. Just meek and mousey. And doesn't open her mouth to speak. It's weird. Mumble Mumbleson, I don't think there's much hope.

Laura Kathleen

Woof. Atrocious little person. If the only rationale you can present for having you on the show is because they haven't had anyone as pretty and perky as you on before, congratulations. You are a twatwaffle. Please hop networks and go on Toddlers and Tiaras where you belong, ok?

And Now...The Real Show!

Ok, I’m so loving how we started this season putting each designer head to head with the I Ching of judging panels, because you’re not on the show yet, bitches. Four, count em 1-2-3-4 are going home before we even make it to the workroom. Or a random rooftop for champagne. (By the way, note to Cecilia: You showed off a white collar button up to Heidi, Michael K, Nina and Tim. Something an Olive Garden server might wear. What the hell is wrong with you? You’re swiftly moving into Not Gonna Be Friends territory.)

Now for the early auffed: Serena (Ooo maybe you shouldn’t’ve [What? That’s a totally legit contraction.] canceled that wedding of yours. Woops.) Amanda (It’s all for the best, m’dear. Nina Garcia would have ripped that princess Quinceanera aesthetic of yours apart.) David (Wah wah wahhh. Somebody was too boring for TV. Sad.) Gunnar (Told ya showing that Derby dress was a bad idea. Wuh oh.)

Ok, the Sassy Sixteen have been chosen so let the games begin!

The Challenge: After a dapper Tim in orange gingham rouses you from your slumber, use your pajamas and bed sheet to make a look, any look will do. They will provide the dye, buttons, flotsam and jetsam. Go!

(Although, before the work can begin, the designers must parade through Time Square in their sleepy-times. And I begin to fall for Kimberly as she points out the Red Lobster with the vain hope that they’d get some cheddar biscuits. Bless her.)

Work room wasn’t terribly exciting. Got to see Anya learn to sew, Tim says “pubic patch,” the vile Laura asks Olivier if he’s speaking foreign when he and his model are conversing in Italian. (FACEPALM), and Kimberly says “nut juice.” (Yes, you are moving up to the Dig Ya category, m’dear.)

Let’s just hop on over to the runway. I warn you. I’m gonna say boring. A lot.

The Safe and Sad


Viktor--Actually kind of adorable. I'd totally pair it with a cardigan and wear it to work. But maybe that's not a good thing. Guess that's why you're just safe, kiddo.


Olivier--After seeing what he auditioned with, I'm not the least bit surprised to see a suit jacket on top. I am surprised to see the first of many throw away bottoms. Jesus, there is nothing to that skirt.


Laura--Sad rain cloud loosey goose pants. A whatevs top. Bluh. And bluh to you just for being you, Laura!


Kimberly--I'm actually feeling good about the top. But. Yeah. That is one ill-fitting trouser. Yikes.


Joshua--Pretty boring. And that skirt is ridiculously short. Seriously--Are sad tube skirts back in style? No one told me. But ya know...Sir Joshua is reminding me of a fabulously eye-brow-arched version of Ryan Reynolds. I'd be happy to watch you progress, sir.


Fallene--Actually kinda cute. Even if there is a puking clown...Not bad.


Danielle--Nothing to it. Bored. Sleepy. Guess there are more parallels between this challenge and sleepwear than I originally thought. And the fact that Danielle said upon being safe, and I quote, "I am not in the right spot. Like, what the hell. Like, that’s not good enough.” Um. This is why I didn’t like you, Danielle. And that’s why my opinion of your mousy ass has yet to change.


Cecilia--Good God at the curtain call. I can't even concentrate on the rest of the outfit because that skirt is on the verge of assaulting my eyes. Not to mention it's somehow sporting a marsupial pouch. Just weird.


Bryce--I've never been a fan of the bell sleeve and Bryce isn't making a believer out of me. And again...Is that another boring tube skirt? The answer, in case you're curious, is yes.


Last but not least, Becky--Kinda cute. Again, I'd totally throw on a cardigan and work that at the office...Again, probably not a good thing on this show. Woops.

Yikes That Was Close


Julie--Julie, Julie, Julie. Don't make me regret diggin' ya, lady. First of all, the fact that you're a grown woman and wearing those pajama pants is just sad. Were they a gift? Woof. And B. Those pants. That abomination of a pant. Buuuhh. Although, I do think Michael Kors coined a new term with the "I Like Myself Pocket," and really I think we're all better for it. Do better next time, mmk?


Josh--Never have I seen cotton look more uncomfortable. It's channeling Little Gray Riding Hood. The sad, poorly dressed fairy tale. And how did he construct shorts that managed to give his model a penis? I guess that's kind of skillful. But oh the reverse seaming and that horrible front panel. You should be thanking Joseph Smith that you're still here, man.

Something Had to Rise to the Top


Anya--You know, props for "not knowing how to sew" and making pants and sewing silk on your first challenge. Now, the judges loved these pants. They were deemed good ass pants, but. Um. I find that crotch atrocious. What's she smuggling down there? Please do tell me.


Anthony--I like the top. He didn't totally redesign what he had already or anything, but still: it's pretty cute. The skirt though. Jesus H. Christ. Enough is enough. Damn. Tube. Skirt. Except this one comes with a feather landing strip. No. Bueno.

Adios Amigo


Rafael--Too bad, dog. You know I liked ya, but there is no excuse for that swegging (that's sweatpant legging for those not in the know) you put before me. A gray, high waisted, swegging. Ewwww. At first glance the top looks near decent, but one close up and you see pulling threads and sloppy sloppy construction. Not even gonna talk about that leopard bib. But it's totally a bib, man.

Victorious!


Bert--Way to go, Bertie!! Totally cute dress. Definitely deserved the win. And now that the stress of the first show is over I can tell he's loosening up and is becoming the the dear-heart I knew he could be. Looking forward to lurving you! (But dear Lord, let one of the young kids help you style your girls. That hair is Desperate Housewives woof-worthy.)

Until next week folks...Keep the snark alive.