Are you speaking foreign?

Oh my lovelies, we are back. It's been far too long since Lord Gunn, Patron Saint of Kicky Textiles has graced my screen and I'm oh-so-thrilled he's made his silver fox return. Let's jump right in and meet the designers, shall we? Thankfully Lifetime put together a Road to the Runway special so I can make snap judgments that may or may not last the the whole season...But only time will tell. Let's start with:

Straddling the Fence Between Fab and Fail (or Boring)

Gunnar
#1...That's not a real name. Don't play like it is. #2 I want to like you, with your adorable Flock of Seagulls hair swagger and your cun-try flair, but I'm just not feeling it. Oh, plus you presented Heidi with a pink, satin Derby dress. Yeeeeah. Not smart to do in front of the frau.

Kimberly

I jus--Eh hrm. I think she's gonna make me tired. A little too much sass. A little too much diva. We shall see.

Bert

I so want to love Bert, the old queen. Give him a nice noble title; something like Honorable Lord Bertie Blass Givenchykikins, but he's just kind of falling flat.

Anya

I don't want to like her. She's wearing a giant romper. She entered a beauty pageant on a whim, became Miss Trinidad and Tobago, went on to Miss Universe, made a sex tape, and despite not being able to sew, has made it on to the show. But she opened her mouth and I didn't hate her. Hrm. Gotta wait this one out.

Viktor

Don't remember much about Viktor. Hence the category placement. Dig the shoes, though.

Cecilia

Only wears her own designs. (hrm) And seems kinda like a bitch, but maybe a funny bitch. Let's see how far that horrible satin jumpsuit of yours takes you.

I Dig Ya

David

There wasn't much to little Davie's personality. Inoffensive is a pretty good descriptor. But I really liked his designs. I think he'd make pretty things without pissing me off. That's supposed to be a winner, right?

Becky

Aw spunky Becky. A little older than the other chippies this season, but she's not here to play mom like Peaches or Wendy Pepper. (Nor would she ever wear Peach's country club sweaters or Pepper's horrific, well, anything. P.S. Lurv you Peaches! P.P.S. WP...You can still suck it.)

Anthony

The Baton Rouge Color Blind One Ball Wonder. And he calls Tim, "Mr. Gunn." Adore. (But the cancer schtick is gonna get old quick. Have a feeling he'll be able to reel it in once the obligatory "story-telling-meet-the-designers" first few episodes are over though.)

Rafael

I like anyone who looks like David Blaine but sounds country as corn pone. Work it, Raffie.

Julie

Did not expect to like her. I mean, she looks like she's on her way to softball practice and the pieces she presented to get on the show were variations of that typical stoner hemp hoodie, drug rug. And with everything being so "naturally draped" and held together with belts I was afraid we'd have an English-speaking Ping on our hands. But ya know... She's no nonsense and no bullshit. Like it. Dig it.

Fallene

She reminds me of a little pixie. A little hipster pixie. I can work with that.

Olivier
Still don't know if his name is Oliver (as in "and company") or Olivier (as in "first name Laurence"), I also don't know if that accent is legit or Madonna-inspired, but I kinda find him adorable.

Bryce

Doh...Lil socially awkward Bryce who just desperately wants to design for Lady Ga-ga. Wanna put him in my pocket.

Josh

Someone should really tell this "looking for the right girl Mormon" that his ascots, bubble butt and tendency to cuddle against the other Josh of the group would make him a fabulous homosexual. Let's see what happens!

Nuh Uh. We're Not Gonna Be Friends

Amanda

I did want to like you...I really did. You went to Alabama. I would like to have that connection when I talk about Project Runway with people. "Oh yeah, Amanda's design was awesome! You know she went to Alabama. I think some people I know knew her..." But yeah. Way too chipper. Too too chipper. And pink. So much pink. And tacky ruffles. Yikes. "Taste level" will definitely come up in judges conversation.

Serena

You are inexplicably offensive. I get the feeling you're a mouth breather. You design too much sheer shit. And you're a bit too obsessed with Tim Gunn. (Which I did not believe was possible. But there's a threshold. And starting a girl band in his honor is it.)

Joshua

I should love him. He's quite fabulous. But all I can see is a bitchy queen menswear designer. Do something endearing so I change my mind, mmk?

Danielle

Ugh. Just meek and mousey. And doesn't open her mouth to speak. It's weird. Mumble Mumbleson, I don't think there's much hope.

Laura Kathleen

Woof. Atrocious little person. If the only rationale you can present for having you on the show is because they haven't had anyone as pretty and perky as you on before, congratulations. You are a twatwaffle. Please hop networks and go on Toddlers and Tiaras where you belong, ok?

And Now...The Real Show!

Ok, I’m so loving how we started this season putting each designer head to head with the I Ching of judging panels, because you’re not on the show yet, bitches. Four, count em 1-2-3-4 are going home before we even make it to the workroom. Or a random rooftop for champagne. (By the way, note to Cecilia: You showed off a white collar button up to Heidi, Michael K, Nina and Tim. Something an Olive Garden server might wear. What the hell is wrong with you? You’re swiftly moving into Not Gonna Be Friends territory.)

Now for the early auffed: Serena (Ooo maybe you shouldn’t’ve [What? That’s a totally legit contraction.] canceled that wedding of yours. Woops.) Amanda (It’s all for the best, m’dear. Nina Garcia would have ripped that princess Quinceanera aesthetic of yours apart.) David (Wah wah wahhh. Somebody was too boring for TV. Sad.) Gunnar (Told ya showing that Derby dress was a bad idea. Wuh oh.)

Ok, the Sassy Sixteen have been chosen so let the games begin!

The Challenge: After a dapper Tim in orange gingham rouses you from your slumber, use your pajamas and bed sheet to make a look, any look will do. They will provide the dye, buttons, flotsam and jetsam. Go!

(Although, before the work can begin, the designers must parade through Time Square in their sleepy-times. And I begin to fall for Kimberly as she points out the Red Lobster with the vain hope that they’d get some cheddar biscuits. Bless her.)

Work room wasn’t terribly exciting. Got to see Anya learn to sew, Tim says “pubic patch,” the vile Laura asks Olivier if he’s speaking foreign when he and his model are conversing in Italian. (FACEPALM), and Kimberly says “nut juice.” (Yes, you are moving up to the Dig Ya category, m’dear.)

Let’s just hop on over to the runway. I warn you. I’m gonna say boring. A lot.

The Safe and Sad


Viktor--Actually kind of adorable. I'd totally pair it with a cardigan and wear it to work. But maybe that's not a good thing. Guess that's why you're just safe, kiddo.


Olivier--After seeing what he auditioned with, I'm not the least bit surprised to see a suit jacket on top. I am surprised to see the first of many throw away bottoms. Jesus, there is nothing to that skirt.


Laura--Sad rain cloud loosey goose pants. A whatevs top. Bluh. And bluh to you just for being you, Laura!


Kimberly--I'm actually feeling good about the top. But. Yeah. That is one ill-fitting trouser. Yikes.


Joshua--Pretty boring. And that skirt is ridiculously short. Seriously--Are sad tube skirts back in style? No one told me. But ya know...Sir Joshua is reminding me of a fabulously eye-brow-arched version of Ryan Reynolds. I'd be happy to watch you progress, sir.


Fallene--Actually kinda cute. Even if there is a puking clown...Not bad.


Danielle--Nothing to it. Bored. Sleepy. Guess there are more parallels between this challenge and sleepwear than I originally thought. And the fact that Danielle said upon being safe, and I quote, "I am not in the right spot. Like, what the hell. Like, that’s not good enough.” Um. This is why I didn’t like you, Danielle. And that’s why my opinion of your mousy ass has yet to change.


Cecilia--Good God at the curtain call. I can't even concentrate on the rest of the outfit because that skirt is on the verge of assaulting my eyes. Not to mention it's somehow sporting a marsupial pouch. Just weird.


Bryce--I've never been a fan of the bell sleeve and Bryce isn't making a believer out of me. And again...Is that another boring tube skirt? The answer, in case you're curious, is yes.


Last but not least, Becky--Kinda cute. Again, I'd totally throw on a cardigan and work that at the office...Again, probably not a good thing on this show. Woops.

Yikes That Was Close


Julie--Julie, Julie, Julie. Don't make me regret diggin' ya, lady. First of all, the fact that you're a grown woman and wearing those pajama pants is just sad. Were they a gift? Woof. And B. Those pants. That abomination of a pant. Buuuhh. Although, I do think Michael Kors coined a new term with the "I Like Myself Pocket," and really I think we're all better for it. Do better next time, mmk?


Josh--Never have I seen cotton look more uncomfortable. It's channeling Little Gray Riding Hood. The sad, poorly dressed fairy tale. And how did he construct shorts that managed to give his model a penis? I guess that's kind of skillful. But oh the reverse seaming and that horrible front panel. You should be thanking Joseph Smith that you're still here, man.

Something Had to Rise to the Top


Anya--You know, props for "not knowing how to sew" and making pants and sewing silk on your first challenge. Now, the judges loved these pants. They were deemed good ass pants, but. Um. I find that crotch atrocious. What's she smuggling down there? Please do tell me.


Anthony--I like the top. He didn't totally redesign what he had already or anything, but still: it's pretty cute. The skirt though. Jesus H. Christ. Enough is enough. Damn. Tube. Skirt. Except this one comes with a feather landing strip. No. Bueno.

Adios Amigo


Rafael--Too bad, dog. You know I liked ya, but there is no excuse for that swegging (that's sweatpant legging for those not in the know) you put before me. A gray, high waisted, swegging. Ewwww. At first glance the top looks near decent, but one close up and you see pulling threads and sloppy sloppy construction. Not even gonna talk about that leopard bib. But it's totally a bib, man.

Victorious!


Bert--Way to go, Bertie!! Totally cute dress. Definitely deserved the win. And now that the stress of the first show is over I can tell he's loosening up and is becoming the the dear-heart I knew he could be. Looking forward to lurving you! (But dear Lord, let one of the young kids help you style your girls. That hair is Desperate Housewives woof-worthy.)

Until next week folks...Keep the snark alive.

Letters from the Biddy

Yet another idea I hopelessly stole. But the ramblings are all mine.

Dear Fellow Elliptical User,

If you could pretty please with a cherry on top not use the neighboring elliptical pedal as a key holder that’d be great. You see, when there are only four machines to choose from during the 5:30 post-work workout rush hour, these babies tend to fill up fast. And your keys make it look like the machine’s user is just in the bathroom or something, and I’m forced to hop on the squeaky tredmill. And also forced to jog to a podcast because I have not prepped myself with the proper playlist.

Mal-prepared,

Mellie

P.S. I don’t care if Comedy Bang Bang is funny. It doesn’t exactly come with a beat.

P.P.S. Oh, if you could also not lather up with shea butter before your workout, that’d be awesome.

P.P.P.S. If you do, wipe that mother down when you’re done. Come on. Not wiping down your machine is the equivalent of emerging from a bathroom stall, forgoing the sink or bacterial hand gel and just licking your palm instead. It’s just icky.


Dear Josh Ritter,

I think I love you. So what am I so afraid of? I’m afraid that I’m not sure of…Well, a love there is no cure for. And you make me quote David Cassidy. And I fuckin hated the Partridge Family. Ridin around on their abrasively painted bus, playin tambourines, velvet vests. Weirdos. But you are delightful. I dig your red socks. And your bear hugs. And when you tickle yourself (figuratively, not literally) and giggle in the middle of your songs.

Hopelessly devoted,

Now-she’s-channeling-Grease Mellie

Strategically photoshopping this and sending out Save the Dates would probably be creepy, right? Dammit.

Dear So You Think You Can Dance,

You rock. But you’re over-doing the mid-routine kiss shtick. Unless your names are Kent and Lauren and you’re pretending to be at prom, I don’t need you locking lips. So far this season we’ve had at least seven routines to involve tongue, and I just think it’s strange. And Sasha, your little ploy to plant one on Alexander after a mediocre routine in a vain attempt to be kept out of the bottom four…Uncool. And Nigel, you kind of mouth raped Mary. Also uncool. And skin cringing.

P.S. Now, if all-star Robert and NPH wanted to makeout a little on last week’s episode that would’ve been totally different.

P.P.S. And let’s face it, a way better show.

P.P.P.S. Having said that, if Sasha and Twitch had decided to take their lyrical hip hop a more coital route, I’d have probably been OK with it.

P.P.P.P.S. Twitch…Um. Call me, mmk?


Update:

Dear Pinterest,

Why must you make me awkward? All I wanted was to be able to keep track of delicious-sounding recipes and potential, future craft items. But for some reason you made me "follow" everyone who's ever thought about Pinterest that I may somehow know through someone on Facebook. Holy face palm.

Doh!,

Mellie

P.S. It's hard enough for me to not be awkward already.

P.P.S. Danke for making me spend my first hour on Pinterest clicking "unfollow" instead of actually pinning shit.

P.P.P.S. Um, did you actually make me sit on a "waiting list" before I signed up? Losers.

Truly, Truly, Truly Outrageous

Imitation is truly the sincerest form of flattery. It’s also the quickest solution to blogger’s block. Which is why I’ve chosen to employ the illustriously sassy and curmudgeony, Una-current-blog-icon-LaMarche’s potentially meme-in-the-making blog post “Ten 80’s Movies Outfits I Covet Beyond All Reason,” make it my own and thus receive all future credit.

I hadn’t really thought about it before, but there really are some outfits that I put-the-lotion-in-the-basket coveted growing up. As in, had Debbie Reynolds put any of the costumes listed below up for auction, all would be hanging in my closet (except for the cartoon ones. I’m whimsical, not illogical.), and I would be in ridiculous debt. But it’d be worth it. Because, my friends, my childhood fashion diva would finally be at peace. (Time out. Ok, you haven’t seen what I’m about to show you yet, but there’s no way I can describe my younger self as a “fashion diva.” Should really rethink that phrasing, but I’d like you to go into this thinking I’m about to lay some serious fashion on your ass and then have you spit up a little, mid-chortle, as you come across the first poofy sleeve and ankle boot. Time in.)

Let’s begin, shall we?

Molly Ringwald in Breakfast Club

My favorite Ringwald of all the 80s Ringwalds. What you can’t see in this picture are those killer knee high flat boots and her wicked awesome leather bomber jacket. I would seriously wear that outfit tomorrow. Ok, maybe not tomorrow because it’s hot. And that much leather in the hot sun does not a good day make. (Insert mental image of Sweaty Leather Pant Ross)

And the lotion and powder have formed a paste!

Liesel from Sound of Music

Ok ladies (and some gentlemen), you just try and tell me you didn’t daydream to dancing around a gazebo with a young, blond, not quite a Nazi yet, telegram delivery boy. You can’t. It’s impossible. Because you did. I still do when I let my mind wander. I want to wear that dress and squee in the rain in front of oddly placed tree limb shadows so it looks as if I’m missing teeth. (Go back and watch that scene. You’ll know what I’m talking about.)

Belle from Beauty and the Beast

Enter the first cartoon. And I’m thinking outside the illustrated box. Nope, not jumping on the yellow ball gown bandwagon. The red, playing in the snow dress is my absolute fave. I want that fur lined cloak. Except mine would come with a muff. (Hold the jokes. This is a family-friendly movie, folks.)

Baby from Dirty Dancing

Let’s kick up the heat, mmk? Now Baby’s not quite what one would call a fashion icon, despite my love of the last-dance-finally-does-the-lift-dress (Oo, or her white jeans and peasant top she wears when she finally sleeps with the help), but that’s not what we’re here to talk about. This outfit, ladies and gents is the Nobody Puts Baby or Her See You Next Tuesday in a Corner outfit. Get it girl. I never knew how she managed to fold pantyhose over bikinis, but by the grace of Jehovah, she pulled it off. Rarr.

Felicity King in Tales from Avonlea

I am indeed a woman of extremes, and here we jump to the opposite end of the spectrum. I pretty much loved any outfit worn in order to run through the fields of Prince Edward Island. The little ankle booties, the aprons of no purpose, the giant lace collars…De-lightful. In truth, I’d wear whatever would get me closest to Gus Pike, so maybe that’s why I chose Felicity as the Avonlea poster child instead of Sara Stanley. Who knows. (Actually, I do. And that’s exactly the reason. Mmm Gus Pike.)

Gidget (a la Sandra Dee, not Sally Field the almost flying nun) in Gidget

I was so all about this orange dress. I was also all about her saying screw you, Moon Doggie, I’m getting with the Big Kahuna, so you could say my childhood fantasies were somewhat misguided. But whatevs, the Kahuna was hot and I’ll sucker punch anybody that tries to tell me otherwise.

No brainer, right?

The Chipettes in Chipmunk Adventure

Come on. Those belly dancer outfits are fab. Despite Brittany’s cape and head scarf, Elanor’s sassy teal was definitely the fave. And poor Jeanette…Always a mess. Even just standing there…A complete mess. By the way, have harem pants come back in style? I mean, the laws against good taste and aesthetics would prevent me from wearing them, but oh I would so drool in guilty wantingness.

Jennifer Connelly in Labyrinth

In a quest to find David Bowie in an early form of jeggings, JC ignited my not-so-secret-anymore love of poofy sleeves. I mean. The popped collar, the billowiness, the vest, those eyebrows. Shut up. I love any ensemble that could also serve as a parachute in the event of an emergency.

Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman

Even in my youth I was like...This chick should be wearing a bra, but nevertheless, I loved this hooker-turned-class dress. Could this be where my affinity for belts came in? Perhaps. Just makes me wanna shout, "Hollywood! Hollywood! What's yo dream?"

Dottie and Kit in League of Their Own

Not only are those wide leg, high-waisted trousers Edna-and-Patsy-worthy AbFab, this scene hosted what would become a tagline of sorts representing the Bassett Sisters: "This is our daughter, Dottie. This is our other daughter, Dottie's sister." Nothin but love for ya, Dottie--I mean, Katie :)

Last but not least: Jerrica of Jem and the Holograms

Yes, as in "Truly, truly outrageous; Jem is her name; no one else is the same; Jem is her name" Jem. Before Miley Cyrus had Hanna Montana and that Toddlers and Tiaras bitch, Madison, had Tootie, Jerrica had Jem. And I had this Barbie. With that outfit. Pretty sure that belt was the best Mattel accessory ever mass produced. Ah, many a day I wished to grow up and wear that beret...Thankfully, for my own sense of well being, that never came to fruition. But I may just have my Halloween costume for next year.

So what'd I miss? I challenge you to give me a smack-my-forehead-in-realized-absent-mind-ism.

UPDATE!

Oh m'gosh, Sister is so so right. Maggie's dance dress from Lucas was totally envy-worthy.



Even on the hood of a car and paired with a sweatshirt it was fab, because that meant you got to make out with the then sane-and-quite-handsome Charlie Sheen. Brava, Sister. Brava, indeed.