Monday, January 10, 2011

No eHarmony for Womack: The Ladies

Ok, let’s recap the ladies, shall we? The caliber of women can be defined by the fact that there’s not one, but two Chantels. No my apologies, one Chantel and one Shawntel. Good Lord woof.

Ok, let’s start with the ultimate dead weight. The rejects that didn’t even get the courtesy of an exit interview. First we said adios to the normal named, regular occupation holders: Cristy: the attorney, Lacey: the insurance adjuster and Renee: the nanny. We also went ahead and got rid of Sarah, the musical theater performer (She was so close to me loving her! But then she went all, “Um. One thing you should know about me is that I can’t snap my fingers.” Well. Danke, freshman-orientation-one-weird-thing-about-me girl. You have a nice life singing about being alone.) and J, the operations manager. Yeah, just the letter. And it was her birthday. This year she got both rejection and embarrassment. Her cup runneth over.

The chicks that got Brad’s might-as-well-have-worked-at-Sizzler “Thanks for coming out” speech include an esthetician, sales director, paralegal, high school teacher and sales consultant. Yup, get those normal bitches out of the way. Two notes for a couple of the ladies: Paralegal Britnee how bout you not make your first impression as a demanding Needy Mcneederson with bad hair making Brad break protocol and open your door. They have P.A.s for that. Esthetician Rebecca…It’s true what they say about not buying cows when you can get milk and shit for free. Don’t be that girl that makes out with strangers. Especially if you’re not gonna be good enough at it to make him want to keep you around just for kicks…Just sayin.

As far as the ladies who are sticking around for one more week:

Ashley, the southern girl turned NYC nanny won the first impression rose. Is she Tenley’s baby sister, Ninely? If she does an interpretive dance any time within the first four episodes…I’m taking that as more conclusive evidence than a blood test.

And a quick recap of the rest of the cast:

Michelle the hairstylist (Mom #1)
Kimberley, marketing coordinator and mouthbreather
Madison the model and hissing vampire ratings booster
Emily the Children’s Hospital event planner, Mom #2 and race car driver widow
Raichel the manscaper. Apparently that’s a legit career these days. The spelling of the name though…Farthest thing from legit. Ever.
Keltie the bendie Rockette and most awkward runner since Phoebe Buffay.
Ashley the extremely lucky dentist. I say this because the woman was wearing a sparkle tube dress and I’ve already pegged her as this season’s Mrs. Ray Ramano. If she even gets one solo confessional I’ll be pretty surprised.
Lisa M. the marketing coordinator who owns ruby slippers for grown ups. I have a feeling they were left over from a particularly whorish Halloween costume from years past.
Lindsey the first grade teacher
Alli the apparel merchant named for a non-FDA approved weight-loss program that induces the shits. She should be proud.
Sarah P. the drunk real estate broker that forced a proposal out of the Womack moments after introductions. I’m just gonna leave it at the fact that the champagne was free and the wait was long. I’m sure it seemed like a good idea at the time. Yeah.
Marissa the sports publicist. Her intro: “I’m the closest thing you’ll ever get to screwing Erin Andrews so you better take advantage. I’m gonna walk away now.”
Britt the food writer who brought Womack trail mix. Whatevs.
Stacey the bartender aka “I don’t know who you are because I’m too cool to actually watch the fucking Bachelor”
Shawntel the funeral director. He’ll say adieu at the first whiff of formaldehyde.
Jackie an artist. That likes to make up songs and sing. Much like a five year old. Bet she uses finger paints too…
Melissa the waitress who took a running leap into the Womack. Guess those, um assets? Buoys? Ok, whatever, her giant bouncing boobs, paid off.
Chantel an executive assistant who slaps strangers for dumping women she’s never met. I think he would’ve had full rights to smack her back. Maybe next episode?

Ok, I'm off to watch some Actors Studio. Because I just can't bring myself to watch Barners and Ducks this evening. If I succumb to the Bachelor: Round Two, I'll be sure to express my opinions of snark and disdain. Until then, happy TV watching, whatever it may be.


F.F.A. said...

dear lord you're funny.

F.F.A. said...

Gave you an award to today on my blog. It makes me feel like I am in a good part of high school again.