I like food with character. Danke, Xpress 101.

I’m pretty sure my love of cheap goods, As Seen on TV products and super stores has been well established, so would it really be a surprise to anyone that I purchased the Xpress 101 for $12 from Big Lots? Twelve. Twelve bucks. Best money I ever spent.

Sorry, Magic Bullet; Turbo Cooker, you never had a chance; this is my favorite infomercial ever.

No, it’s not the revamped Xpress Redi-Set-Go with the removable inserts. This is the original: Two wells. One shape. And it is a-mazing. One part of Sister Weekend that I didn’t talk about was the initiation of the Xpress 101 into our little lives. Because it deserves a post all its own.

Honestly, you never expect the As Seen to function properly. Nad’s hurt like hell. I don’t care if it was all natural and you could eat the wax. It was evil in a jar. Kinoki detox foot pads are complete bullshit. And make your house smell like Beggin’ Strips. As much as I love the Magic Bullet, it smells funny when the motor runs, and it occasionally won’t cut off. They don’t show that on the commercial… And now that I’m thinking about it—I don’t think it’s ever been used for anything but drinks. I tried to chop an egg once and it turned to yellow powder. Obviously I never learned chopping moderation. I’m gonna take a wild guess and assume that the Ronco Food Dehydrator sounded like a combine and would take a week to make beef jerky or craptastic fruit roll ups (Come one, you know those can’t taste good. Add a little high fructose corn syrup and maybe we can talk).

This, though. This one works. Granted, it’s been used mostly for baked goods thus far, but really…Isn’t that the most important thing?

So now, let me take you on a tour of my half moon shaped culinary adventure:

We start, with the illustriously delightful breakfast pastry: the canned cinnamon roll. It’s true what Cathy Mitchell says, even if you can only cook four at a time, it’s still faster to do two batches in the Xpress than preheating the oven and baking the whole roll. And they come out a little wonky, which gives them character. And I like my breakfast to have character. And icing.

Our next stop: The grand poobah of quick baking; What makes Sister go all Buffalo-Bill-it-puts-the-lotion-on-its-skin covetous: The mini cake. ¾ cup cake mix, ¼ cup water, 1 egg and 7 minutes are all you need for pure, unadulterated joy. Now, I rationalize making these because you don’t use any oil. That makes it better for you. The can of frosting though…there’s no rationalizing that. Whatevs. Nom, nom, nom.

Now if you’ll all direct your attention below, you’ll find the Xpress’s first non-baked good experience: The breakfast concoction: bottom layer of biscuit dough, topped with egg, followed by a layer of fake bacon (fakon, if you will) and lastly a layer of provolone cheese. The results were…Well, it wasn’t bad. I learned a lot. First of all, I need to let the dough cook a little before going layer crazy. Secondly, cheese doesn’t need the full six minutes. Because if left unattended it gets crazy crispy. Like, goes under a chemical change-no-longer-cheese-anymore crispy. Oh, and don’t cook the fakon to full-on-crispy beforehand. (By the way—where does the grease come from in fakon? Isn’t it made of broccoli and whey or something? I find that strange. Plus my microwave still smells like Bacon Bits. Two weeks later.)

Finally, I’d like to introduce you to the Xpress 101’s answer to the corn dog. Ok, I admit, it looks a little special. Like, an appropriate snack for Cartman special. If this meal had a fanfare, it’d be “Dur da dur!” But ya know what? Like it’s intellectual equal, bologna, it’s delicious.

This weekend I was feeling particularly continental and decided to take a trip south of the border. With my mouth. (That came out dirtier than I meant it to…). Yeah, anyway I made tostada bowls. Shove half a tortilla in each well, spoon in beans, taco meat, mexicorn, olives and cheese and come back in 5 minutes. Mmmmm. I forgot to take a picture. Because my tummy distracted me. Anyway, it was delicious. I made a burrito with the leftovers for lunch today. And toasted it in my Xpress 101. Because I could.

Try not to be jealous of my As Seen on TV goodness. I know it'll be hard. That's what she said.