My Life in a Nutshell.

Ok, so...not too much is going on; work is work. After work is after work. Weekends have been on-the-go and full of driving (my all time favorite thing). There’ve been lovely nuggets of fun in between (bachelorette weekend, South Alabama State Fair, all things Sister related), but I’m horrible at documenting my life, so my recaps tend to lack any sort of visual backup. Which leaves me with only blogging on Project Runway. Which is, um, in a word: Awesome. But still. I’m more than judgmental snark, right? *crickets* Right? Ok, maybe not, but I should at least try to blog about more than one TV show.

So now I’d like to invite you into the world of my scattered thoughts. None important enough for a blog of their own, but with their powers combined they form a pretty comprehensive understanding of Mellie the Biddy. Let the randomness begin.

*Am still very much in love with Kurt Hummel. Want to squeeze, nurzzle and sing Liza-Barbra mashups with him.

*My current grocery list consists of trash bags, toilet paper and cat food. Could it get any sadder? Why don’t I just add depilatory cream and Hot Pockets. That’ll round out the embarrassment quite nicely.

*So apparently this is the new *it* shoe.

The new Birkenstock/Wallabee/Sperry/...? Ok, I didn’t keep up with any new shoe after the boat shoe. Sue me. Apparently this one is organic. And a poor kid gets a pair whenever you buy one. That’s nice. But I find them aesthetically not pleasing and quite strange in the toe. Also, I prefer my new shoes sans hemp, danke very much.

*I don’t know what "Steampunk" is, but if it means I get this dining room, I’d be cool with it. She has an apothecary table with Felix Felicis and Wolfsbane. I want one. I also want her wicked awesome penny desk. I mean seriously. How frickin cute? In case you’re wondering whose furniture I’m coveting, it’s the same girl behind the disastrously awesome Cake Wrecks. Am kind of wanting her life right now…

*Am watching the Biggest Loser despite it being two hours long every week (TWO HOURS.). That’s a movie. Every week. Needless to say, there’s lots of walking around/doing other stuff time during that big chunk o chunks on Tuesday nights. But I’m making predictions now:

This guy's gonna be the way hot one.

This one's gonna look like Luke Danes. Trust me.


And this one’s gonna get too pretty for her own good and be knocked up by the finale.


*I literally have piles of clothes all over my apartment. But, I semi-cleaned my kitchen last night so that makes the former completely acceptable.

*While scouring the Sip n Strokes galleries for a painting that I can knock off for Sister’s new bedroom, I find this. This exists. Twenty-some odd people are going to buy a bottle of wine and pay $35 to paint this:

People who create fan art should be put down for their own well being.

*Food blogs make me happy. Not necessarily recipe blogs, but blogs of what people are eating. Because of this little number, I’ve become mildly obsessed with Cliff bars, made curry chicken salad and have bought the fixins to make pumpkin gnocchi. I have not, however, embraced her Fage and granola obsession. There should never be a cause to eat plain yogurt. It’s like chewing on paste. [And as a sidenote: Went to her website to get the URL and I see a recipe for pumpkin nutella bread staring at me. Holy crap. Winner. Must. Make. Now.]

*I want to own this:

And this:


And while I'm at it, this one too:

Must become friends with Jim Horwat. If he would do a Chorus Line or Bad Seed print, I might just have to marry him.

Pajama Party on PR

I feel ya, Wretchen. Let's talk about it.

Well, welcome back for another magical week, er, no. Another illustriously talented, hmpf, nope. An episode chock full of colorful characters and unprecedented skill and taste...Nuh uh. Oh whatevs, welcome back to another week at Project Runway where they make glorified sweat suits for Heidi.

Yup. This week Heidi's the client because Project Runway no long has any favors left in their arsenal and are forced to turn to their "Not Even a Victoria's Secret Angel Anymore, So Really What Say Does She Have In Fashion?" host. Ohh--oh, she's about to answer my own question. She has a New Balance line now. Pardon? I'm pretty sure this woman has never even worn a pair of tennis shoes, so I'm quite confused how the good folks over at New Balance even got her number. Anyway, the point is that the six minions left will design a look for her collection that will be sold on Amazon.com. To give them a better understanding of her "aesthetic," *coughbullshitcough* she's bringing out their models to show off her blood, sweat and elastic waists.

It's Little Grey Slopping Hood.

And the extras from Flashdance.

This is a travesty. We are two cuts away from the finals. And they're about to design a velour track suit for a challenge? Am completely appalled. *This* is where terms like 'avant garde' and 'couture' should be popping up. *Not* 'drawstring' and 'fleece.' If this right here is high fashion, then my sock drawer is a Mecca of runway readiness. I'm even agreeing with Wretchen (I know, the pearls are clutched), that her line is retail and basic and obviously not meant to be exercised in. Oooo G just fashion bitch slapped Heidi. Anyway, I wanna punch this challenge in the tooth.

Ah, but we've only just begun. Heidi gives them giant bolts of grey crap, so the trip to Mood is really just for buttons and butt zippers. And there's no Swatch. Officially wearing cranky pants. Duke of Earl Grey and Pinkies Up enters the workroom to check on his dear little foundlings, but. He's not alone. Enter Heidi. Now a few short weeks ago we had Sir Michael Kors in the workroom and it was Heaven. Will today produce the same results? Eff no. She's abrasive and trying on clothes and being a first class snotty pants. Maybe Mondo just hasn't put in a zipper yet, Heidi. Uncle Tim. Reel. Her. In. So yeah, Herr Heidi's visit derailed dear funny like a monkey Mondo and set him back to weird introverted Episode One Mondo. All in all, she made people gape at her commentary, throw fabric and was a capital C U Next Tuesday.

Work, work, commercial break, work...And Lord Gunn is back. There's more to this challenge. Of course there is. Everyone's pretty much done with their sacks of grey "active wear." They have to add two more pieces to their "collection," but they won't have to work on their own. TG introduces the help (aka the people who hate Michael C). Poor Just Michael is pissed that the C is back on the end of his name, and would rather have the mothers back to help with this challenge. And with the exception of Casanooooova, so would I. You can imagine my joy to see Miss Soap Palate herself back in the room.

Anywho, Mondo picks Val Pal; Gretchen's with Casanoooova; April and Peaches are reunited; Andy's with Michael D (who's already taking "Must Dumb Down Shit for Michael D" Ivy pills.); Michael C picks the lesser of two evils with AJ, and Christopher ends up with Ivy (Which is oh-so-tragic. The past few weeks he's been channeling Ivy with his dishwater designs and having the actual her on his team is so not gonna help the situation.)

Randomly and mid-sew Ivy starts pointing that crooked bony finger of hers at Just Michael calling him a cheater, cheater pumpkin eater for "taping" his model into her Jackie O dress. Oh good Lord. Just spit up in my mouth a little bit. After Just Michael asks her how it feels to be eliminated for a crappy design, Ivy leaves the sew room, tells everyone she can find that she made MC cry and then got a needle to the eye ball. Ivy, Karma. Karma, Ivy. Now that introductions are complete, we await the Gunn's imminent arrival.

"I hear there are some accusations of cheating. Well, if it had happened we would have seen it with one of our many cameras. Fuck you, Ivy. Get back to work, you little butter-designing snake."

And it's Runway Day. Mondo came dressed as Kate Gosselin.

Gretchen came as a tranny Heidi. (The kind with mountains and lame Clara, not the one with short skirts and Seal.)

Let's just skip over the fact that Krazy Klum forgot her makeup today (Maybe Gretchen should have shared...) and get right to the runway, shall we? We shall.

The Not Good Enough for New Balance

Gretchen

Is that a turban?

Oh it's all just so tacky and dated. Pretty sure that computer chick from Weird Science would wear every single one of those outfits. Once again, Gretchen can't fathom why she's in the bottom. I swear, if the judges aren't motorboating her, there's just nothing that can please her. Bugghhh.

Just Michael

Ok, so um. I love pumpkin-spice everything. But not so crazy about it in MC Hammer pant form. I can't complain about a giant cardigan hoodie, but that belt with the terry cloth dress is indeed wack-a-doo. But this was in the bottom because the other MC strayed from Heidi's vast color palate of grey and greyer.

The "No Sweat"s (ba dum bump)

April

Of course she made her signature black short shorts. The rest looks as if it's been designed and constructed by Omar the Tentmaker. And I'm sorry, but an arm band does not "active wear" make. I don't get this challenge.

Mondo

Ah, I actually like. The headbands are wack-tastic but cute, and they make these spruced up pajamas look like a collection. I think I would've let Mondacious Mondo win four in a row...

The Blue Light Special

Christopher

K-Mart clearance bin. Nothing more; nothing less. Just sad, paltry excuses for clothes.

The Grungeon Master

Andy

I mean. It's all right. It's channeling a zebra. Or an exoskeleton. And is ginormous. Andy claims to have loved this challenge because he loves being comfortable. Really? Mr. Slip of a Tank Top likes to be comfortable? I never would have guessed. Whatevs. Guess it would have been too embarrassing to hand Mondo over his fourth win in a row. He can start the streak again next week.

So I'm afraid we have to say goodbye to our hot hottie Christopher.

Hate to see you go, but we love to watch you leave.

Brave Like a Monkey

Like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of our Runway…Cue orchestral music, swelling crescendo, and fade to workroom. (What? This was an emotional and kind of grown up episode. I gotta class it up in here. Sort of.) Seriously though. There’s some hard hitting info this week. Does that mean I’m sticking snark in the closet this recap? Goodness, no. I’d have nothing to write about. I’m just warning there may be a little sap. A little bit. This is not a writing element I am comfortable with. I don’t sap, wallow or gush. It’s hard. I don’t like it. But come on, it might happen in the upcoming paragraphs and you should brace yourselves.

The cast of characters. A healthy mix of Party of Five, Kids Incorporated and My So Called Life.

On to the workroom!

The designers enter to find tons of fancy shmancy HP-tough-thinga-ma-jigs with lots of baby pictures. A-dorable. Mondo was a matador. Just Michael was a cross dresser. I love the mini baby designers. It reminds me of when the muppets have flashbacks. They’re just so stinkin precious. I now want all the baby designers to burst into song and speak in high falsetto voices. I think it’d make an adorable spin-off.

Mondo would be Gonzo. How much you wanna bet next week he'll wear a red jumper with a yellow chick on the front? I'll put 5 buck on it.

Anywho, the oo’s and ah’s cease as Duke of Masterpiece Theater and Tassel Loafers enters the room with the HP lady. Ah, it’s another sponsor-inspired challenge. Maybe next week they’ll have to design a cocktail dress out of Garnier bottles. But yeah, the challenge. They’re bringing back the “create your own textile” from last season. Which I actually really liked. I’m just hoping in the back of my head that no one pulls an Emilio Sosa and makes his own tacky branded fabric that will go on to win. That made me vom. So anyway, the HP lady painfully gets through her speech to the designers. I don’t know what she said. It hurt to listen. She sounded as if she was in lots of pageants when she was younger. And lost lots of pageants when she was younger. Buugh. Thankfully Dr. Gunn takes the reins and finishes the details. The designers will use something from the childhood/life to inspire their fabric. Alright. I can get behind that. That kind of rules out anyone using their initials in the print, so…Winner. Oh, and TWO DAY challenge. Yes.

The designers get to planning: Valerie’s creating a print reminiscent of blue prints like the ones her dad would bring home from work and let her play with. That’s kind of adorable. I hope she pulls it out this week. Just Michael’s making something to do with an evil eye. Quoi? Like at Mordor? I think his familial life is a topic I shall stay away from…

Gretchen is inspired by a sun bonnet. OK. Nothing says high fashion like a sun bonnet.

"I am Wretchen. I am also known as Femullet."

April’s making a divorce dress. Think it’ll be black? Hrm. I wonder. Tough call. Mondo gets to chatting about his print and I’m thinking he’s gonna be making a coming out dress. And not a Sally Moffet/Meg March coming out dress either (ba dum dump. Ah, literary humor.) But then…Whoa. Mondo tells us he’s been HIV+ for ten years. And he’s been afraid to tell his family. This makes me muy le sad. I want to hug. And the fact that he’s been going through that alone makes me want to cry. Sniffles.

Oh, and Andy’s print is going to be memory bubbles. Christopher’s using his mom’s favorite color and something about San Francisco. Read: Cop out. Come on. Boo. Be more like Mondo.

Little Lord FauntleGunn enters to share that there are some special guests in the building…It’s family day on PR! Tears, mouths agape, pearls clutched…Lots of blubbering happiness. I hate Gretchen less when her poor mother who she never gets to see because she’s taking care of her invalid father walks into the workroom and tears abound. Just Michael cries crazy machine gun tears and scares his child. Most of the designers get their moms, but Christopher got his partner JJ. Oh the adorable man-love.

The Fashion School Marm announces that class is dismissed early and the mothers/children/lovers of the designers and co. skip off into the New York sunset to enjoy the day.

Day Two: It’s Valerie’s birthday. Uh oh. I have the feeling if you announce your birthday on a reality show, you’re gonna get kicked out. Because these shows are a bitch. And want to make you feel bad about yourself on every level possible. Am now quite worried for Val Pal.

Tim comes to visit and check out their wares. April’s up first, and yes the story’s there but the judge’s won’t respect your emotion. Tim knows his shit. He makes her get rid of the crazy fluffy shoulder and makes her dress better. Michael’s feedback was positive. He’s already edited. Tim approves. Christopher wants to make a shell…Because of something to do with the ocean…Tim looks at him funny. Andy has nothing, so Tim can say nothing. Egads. Gretchen made a yoke. That does not sound promising in the world of fashion vernacular. Valerie’s is deemed an 80s ice dancer with a pu pu platter of construction patterns. Yikes. No bueno. Mondo doesn’t give the meaning behind his pattern away, but Timmy loves the print. As dear Papa Gunn goes to leave the workroom he gets all verklempt and teary eyed. He’s so proud. Love so much. Want to squeeze.

Runway day has arrived and Mondo’s rocking the curly pompadour like Lyle Lovette and that kid from Biggest Loser last season for the occasion.

And holy holy shit. Did Andy just say that Michael has grown on him? And someone in the workroom actually said they “loved” Michael C. Brr. Think I just felt a cold front come in from hell. Wow. And with that …

Runway time!

Not Goin Anywhere

Gretchen

I actually like the print. I'd wear that outfit with a cardigan and without the ass apron, but what does that say? I'm wearing a Ross dress right now. This is not high fashion. This show is. Step it up.

Just Michael

Um...Not the biggest fan of mustard piping. It's impossible for that color to not read Ronald McDonald. Overall, I give it an "eh." Safe.

Christopher

Bored. It's Ivy in aqua. There's nothing special about it. Pretty sure you could find that outfit in any JC Penny near you.

The Close But No Cigar

April

Well it's black. But at least she's got some white in there this week with her fabric. Despite her design being a little "emo kid drawing his soul" or "Breakfast Club chick with the snow dandruff," it's one of my favorites this week. But dear lord, can I see some color next week? Please. Pretty please? Then maybe they'll let you win again. Sidenote to Nina: Please don't call a print that represents the tearing apart of a family, "charming." Baahhh.

The Should've Been

Andy

Oh, he should be embarrassed. It's business casual meets hooker. It's atrocious and he should be escorted from the premises. Your outfit has upset the guest judge. It's sad, disappointing and unwearable. Ew.

The Kiss Today Goodbyes
(Yes, this is from A Chorus Line. Yes, I meant you to read it in your head with a sing-song voice.)

Valerie

Ok, um. This isn't a losing outfit. So the lining's a little weird. And the top's a little "Kenley Spears" from a few seasons back. And the bottom's a little reminiscent of her party store dress. It's still more interesting than half of the stuff on the runway. And you so can't point the finger at Valerie for referencing a past design when April sends something tight and black down the runway every week. It should have been safe. Christopher should've been in the bottom and Andy should be home where he wants to be. That's it. The end.

Once, Twice, Three Times a Winner
(Again, to be read in a sing-song voice)

Mondo

Way to go, lil buddy! I will say the pants are far too high. The judges and I both agree on that. Once again, his print combos seem completely wack-a-doo, but again I really like it. And dear Lord, I'm pretty sure Nina Garcia came when the model took off her jacket to reveal the matching lining. And I really didn't want the judges to make him tell them the background to his inspiration. It's his business and he didn't have to share if he wasn't comfortable.

Come the end of judging, Mondo works up the courage to tell his story. And look at his outfit: This is not a manipulation tactic. He doesn't need to say anything to get the win. He's brave and honest and doesn't cry and makes beautiful clothes out of an unfortunate situation. I lurv him. Brave like a monkey, is he.

Tom and Lorenzo had a lovely little Mondo blurb among their fashion cutdowns and witticisms:

We're thrilled that he won and that he had this emotional breakthrough but we're even more thrilled at the idea that tons of little babygays may have watched last night and learned that being honest about oneself is not something to fear and that there is a place in the world where those who are true to themselves - no matter how hard that may be; no matter how much of a price may be paid - are better off than those who suffer in silence. Lately it seems like a gay kid is killing himself every other day. It's not hyperbole at all to suggest that Mondo may actually have saved some lives last night.

Back in the waiting room, the newly auffed Valerie goes around the room and addresses each designer individually about how much she loves and respects them. Good God. Couldn't you just write them a note or something? Was Tim running late? Did the producers ask you to stretch out your goodbye time? It's like sitting in on the sharing circle from the last night of sleep-away-camp. Cut it out.

Tim, the proud papa, enters and while I know his duties are to send Valerie up to the workroom to clean up her space, I know deep down he just wants to swaddle our Mondo and rock him to sleep. You can see it in those dear bedroom eyes of his.

In the words of Jerry Springer, until next time, take care of yourselves and each other. (Gah, that would be such a nice sentiment if it didn't come from Jerry...Just pretend the Dalai Lama said it, ok?)